Writer's Block

(Lights up on stage. The stage is set like a messy room either a bedroom or living room. Maggie is sitting at the desk, her head is down. A moment passes Heather enters)
Heather:
What’s going on?
Maggie:
Huh?
Heather:
You haven’t answered your phone in 3 days.
Maggie:
Oh yeah
Heather:
What’s wrong?
Maggie:
I am … I am just stuck.
Heather:
In your chair?
Maggie:
No, stuck on this story.
Heather:
What’s it about?
Maggie:
Well this guy wakes up and he doesn’t remember anything and he doesn’t know where he is, but there is this woman here, and she hides him, and that’s where I am stuck.
Heather:
You know what this sounds like.
Maggie:
Don’t say it.
Heather:
Writers block.
Maggie:
No, no I don’t have writers block, just a temporary lapse of creativity.
Heather:
Fancy words for writers block.
Maggie:
Which I don’t have.
Heather:
You make it seem like a horrible disease or something.
Maggie:
It is, kind of.
Heather:
So for these past three days, you’ve been sitting alone in your apartment because of writers block?
Maggie:
Yes


Heather:
Why didn’t you go out and try to get some inspiration. That’s what I do when it happens to me.
Maggie:
If I go out, I’ll get inspiration for something, then I’ll start another project and won’t finish this one.
Heather:
So?
Maggie:
I have to get this in by the deadline.
Heather:
When’s the deadline?
Maggie:
Tomorrow.
Heather:
Wow. Okay. I am going to help you with this, I’ve worked with quick deadlines before. I won’t leave till you have your entire project finished.
Maggie:
Okay. Are you sure you can help me, this isn’t like writing for a newspaper.
Heather:
I know. All right, I am really good at problem solving. This is going to be a piece of cake. Speaking of cake have you eaten?
Maggie:
Focus.
Heather:
Right you need that. (Laughs) Okay what have you done in the past to eliminate writers block?
Maggie:
You don’t want to know.
Heather:
Oh come it can’t be that bad.
Maggie:
Yes it can.
Heather:
Just tell me I can handle it.
Maggie:
Oh you can handle it, it’s…. it’s just embarrassing.
Heather:
What is it?
Maggie:
You are going to think this is weird, but I never…. I never had that thing before.
Heather:
You never had writers block before?
Maggie:
Nope.
Heather:
Oh come I don’t believe that.
Maggie:
Believe it. But before I never had this quick of a deadline. (Pause) I am screwed.
Heather:
You need something to eat. (She exits right. Maggie walks over to the desk, looks at what she has written, and she scribbles something, and then tosses the pencil aside. Heather enters, with snacks and a business card in hand)
Maggie:
What is that?
Heather:
I found it, on your fridge.
Maggie:
What is it?
Heather:
It’s a business card, for someone named Alvin. “Alvin’s house of…”
Maggie:
House of what?
Heather:
I don’t know? It says Alvin’s house of and then there are three dots. See.
Maggie:
Weird
Heather:
Do you remember where you got it?
Maggie:
No
Heather:
Well it was on your fridge.
Maggie:
Maybe someone but it there, last party I had.
Heather:
Hey look it has writing on the back.
Maggie:
Yeah?
Heather:
In need of some inspiration, call crazy Alvin.
Maggie:
Huh Weird.
Heather:
This is a sign.
Maggie:
What?
Heather:
A sign. You need some inspiration; this Alvin person has got it.
Maggie:
It’s probably a joke.

Heather:
It’s got a number and everything.
Maggie:
Doesn’t mean its real.
Heather:
We could try it, it wouldn’t hurt. Give me your phone.
Maggie:
It’s probably some sex line or something. (Heather dials phone.)
Heather:
It’s ringing. Oh hello….Yes….No….Maybe…Okay I’ll hold.
Maggie:
They put you on hold.
Heather:
The music isn’t half bad. Oh Hi… Yes some inspiration….okay…..okay?...Bells Boulevard, Apartment 2A, yep Bells apartment complex. Okay….yup bye (hangs up)
Maggie:
You gave them my address?
Heather:
Well sure you needed some inspiration.
Maggie:
We don’t know who these people are.
Heather:
Maybe they won’t even show up. (Doorbell ring) Or maybe they will. (Answer the door.) (Alvin enters, dressed loudly, his assistant Maribelle enters with bags of stuff)
Alvin:
Hello ladies. I rushed right over as soon as possible, as soon as I heard what troubles you were having. So which one has the writer’s block? No wait let me guess. (Points to Heather) You.
Heather:
No I called though.
Alvin:
Well why do you call if you don’t have writer’s block. I will be very displeased if you made me waster my precious time.
Heather:
My friend has the writer’s block.
Maggie:
That’s me.
Alvin:
You?
Maggie:
Yes.
Alvin:
I’m Alvin, Nice to meet you. This is my assistant Mary.
Maribelle:
Maribelle actually.

Heather:
Nice to meet you.
Maggie:
You know I am very curious to see how you are going to solve my writer’s block?
Alvin:
I need a chair. (Maggie gestures to chairs behind him) Okay sit. (Maggie sits) Right hold still. Marilee my bag, please. (He grabs the bag fishes around for something. Turns quickly around next to Maggie and screams)
Maggie:
Ah what was that for?
Alvin:
Making sure you can hear, and to keep you on your toes. I usually have a foghorn device (finds it in his bag) Oh here it is, do you want to do it again?
Maggie:
No my hearing is fine.
Alvin:
Okay, get up. (Maggie rises. Alvin looks her over. Then he sits in her chair)
Maggie:
Why did you want me to get up?
Alvin:
Oh huh, I just wanted a seat. So what are you working on?
Maggie:
A story its about…
Alvin:
Say no more. A writers personality is based on the book they read (looks around) Do you have a bookcase?
Maggie:
No, I just moved in a few…weeks ago.
Alvin:
Books Isabelle.
Maribelle:
It’s Maribelle. (Hands him books)
Alvin:
Poe, Hamilton, Hemmingway, Fitzgerald, crap all crap. How do you keep such filth around?
Heather: They are…
Alvin:
You need some decoration, so bland so plan. Bella. Do something here. (Maribelle grabs thing from various bags and puts it around the stage)
Maggie:
Oh yes I am really getting some creative thoughts.
Heather:
Really?
Maggie:
No. This guy is nuts.

Alvin:
Some would be delicious thank you.
Maggie:
No I didn’t offer you nuts, I said you were nuts.
Alvin:
Oh. Is he always this disagreeable?
Heather:
Sometimes.
Alvin:
Do a little temple message.
Maggie:
Okay. (Alvin sits) Oh
Heather:
I’ll do it.
Alvin:
No wonder you have writers block, this, this place is so drab. A little harder on the right, honey.
Maggie:
So do you insult everyone who hires you?
Alvin:
If necessary, yes.
Maggie:
How long have you been in this kind of work?
Alvin:
The work of what?
Heather:
Inspiration.
Alvin:
About six or seven years, I was in sales before this. Maribelle’s new here.
Maribelle:
I am a temp. I won’t be doing this forever. (Alvin gets up)
Alvin:
Where is the bathroom?
Heather:
That way (points offstage. Alvin exits)
Maggie:
What’s his deal?
Maribelle:
Alvin, I don’t know.
Maggie:
Does he work out of an office?
Maribelle:
Yep. I only just started working with him, his assistant before me was some blonde actress trying to make it big. I think they had a thing going on. Never got her name wrong. (Alvin enters)

Alvin:
As I was using the bathroom, I thought up some new ideas, to get some creativity flowing throughout the space. (He goes to chair and stands on it) Join me. (Maggie joins him)
Maggie:
What am I suppose to be doing.
Alvin:
Close your eyes. (They close their eyes) AAAHHHHH
Maggie:
What?
Alvin:
You aren’t feeling that?
Maggie:
Should I be feeling something?
Alvin:
You need to try harder. (Pause) Are you feeling anything now?
Maggie:
Umm…no
Alvin:
(Getting off chairs) Obviously you are not trying hard enough, I can’t help you, and I can’t work with this.
Maggie:
Okay, see ya.
Heather:
No, She’ll try harder; you’ll try harder won’t you.
Maggie:
What?
Heather:
You need this, remember tomorrow is your deadline.
Maggie:
Okay, Alvin I’ll try harder.
Alvin:
Well I don’t know if I want to stay now. Annabelle my things.
Maribelle:
It’s Maribelle. Not Bella, Marilee, or Annabelle, Maribelle. You should know the name of the people who are working for you.
Alvin:
I am sorry…
Maribelle:
Maribelle.
Alvin:
Right okay, now back to work. What is your favorite genre?
Maribelle:
Me?
Alvin:
Yes you’re my assistant; we need to start getting acquainted.

Maggie:
Hey its great you two are bonding and all, but see I have this deadline TOMORROW, and my writers block ain’t going go away by itself.
Alvin:
You have a deadline.
Maggie:
Yeah
Alvin:
You didn’t mentioned that before hand, now we’ll have to really get to work. (Arranges the two chairs next to each other) Lie down. (Maggie lies down) Relax, close your eyes. (He starts putting various things on Maggie’s body and face) Keep relaxing. Tweezers Maribelle (she hands him tweezers)
Maggie:
Tweezers?
Alvin:
Don’t worry, its just a little (pulls hair) hair.
Heather:
How is this helping?
Alvin:
SSHHH. Master at work here. Maribelle, hairclip. Maribelle sponge me, Maribelle kiss.
Maribelle:
What?
Alvin:
Sorry force of habit when Danielle was working with me. Okay your done. Sit up. (Maggie sits up, Maggie looks ridiculous.)
Heather:
How is this going to help?
Alvin:
Mirror.
Maggie:
What? How does this help my writer’s block? (All laugh) It’s not funny.
Heather:
It is a little.
Alvin:
This is helps me quit a bit.
Maribelle:
I am enjoying it.
Maggie:
Get this stuff off me. (Alvin and Maribelle work together and get her close to normal looking as possible)
Alvin:
I have another idea.
Maggie:
Does idea include deformities?
Alvin:
No. You sit (heather sits. He starts to rub her shoulders)
Maggie:
Is this one of helping you things again?
Alvin:
Maybe it all depends on…
Heather:
Heather
Alvin:
Ah yes. Classic name.
Heather:
Not really
Alvin:
Sh no words. (He continues to rub her shoulders)
Maribelle:
What are you doing?
Alvin:
Rubbing Helen’s shoulders, what does it look like?
Heather:
It’s Heather.
Maribelle:
Oh so I guess being your assistant means nothing to you.
Alvin:
Well I would like you more if you let me call me whatever I want to call you.
Maribelle:
You don’t (Alvin gestures to keep going) you never cared about (fake cries)
Alvin:
Oh enough of your crocodile tears.
Maribelle:
Uh (she fake slaps him) you horrid man.
Maggie:
Ok nice try, its not working.
Heather:
What?
Alvin:
It was worth a try.
Maggie:
I don’t work with the soap genre.
Maribelle:
How did you know soap was my favorite genre?
Alvin;
I asked you during your interview.
Maribelle:
You know you act like you don’t remember things but you really do.
Alvin:
Sorry Maybellene did you say something, I was getting a genius idea. Maria and I will be the characters in your story. What’s the last thing they are doing?

Maggie:
Uh, the guy just comes out of hiding.
Alvin:
Is there a romantic attraction between the two characters?
Maggie:
It’s implied. (Alvin and Maribelle start acting an improvised scene. Heather and Maggie sit and watch them.)
Heather:
What do you think? Getting rid of your writer’s block?
Maggie:
Maybe, it’s very entertaining. When I am not being made up to look like a fool.
Heather:
So…you’re welcome.
Maggie:
Hey I am not out of the writer’s block woods yet. How long do you think they will go, if we don’t stop them?
Alvin:
(Breaking away from the scene) I get billed hourly.
Maggie:
Okay, this is all good but I am still not…
Alvin:
You’re kidding?
Maggie:
No
Alvin:
You are the hardest writer I had to un-block. What’s wrong with you?
Maggie:
Nothing. Well except the writer’s block.
Alvin:
I think I am loosing my touch.
Maribelle:
NO
Alvin:
I am. Oh I can’t be loosing my touch, I’d loose my only job I’ve ever liked and had. I would loose the house, and the Winnebago.
Heather:
I think you’re doing a fantastic job.
Alvin:
No the writers block is usually gone by now.
Heather:
Do something he seems really upset.
Maggie:
What?
Heather:
I don’t know, think of something.

Maggie:
If I could think of something we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Heather:
Just go.
Maggie:
Uh, oh Alvin don’t be upset.
Alvin:
Why?
Maggie:
Well maybe loosing your Winnebago wouldn’t be so bad; it’s not that good of a car. No, I am only joking. I’ll harder.
Alvin:
No its not you its me.
Maribelle:
Alvin you have a real challenge ahead of you, it might seem like a problem but if…when you rise above it you’ll be able to solve any other problem that might come your way.
Alvin:
Well that was nice and sappy but your right. You might be my toughest one yet, but you won’t be my last. Give me a sec the muse needs inspiration (sits and meditates)
Heather:
What is he doing?
Maribelle:
Getting inspiration.
Alvin:
Okay I got it. Lets play a game. I need my cards Maribelle. (She hands him cards)
Sit and tell me what you see?
Maggie:
Okay, um…
Alvin:
What do you see?
Maggie:
An inkblot?
Alvin:
How did someone like you become a writer? That’s it I give up.
Maggie:
What do you mean? I still have writers block.
Alvin:
I tried everything.
Heather:
Oh come that couldn’t have been everything.
Alvin:
It was.
Maribelle:
Can’t you think of new things Alvin?
Alvin:
That’s not how it works. These exercises take months to perfect, and practice.
Maribelle:
What about the Irish Ivan?
Alvin:
How did you find out about that?
Maribelle:
It was in one of your files.
Maggie:
Irish Ivan that sounds interesting.
Alvin:
It’s not ready; you shouldn’t have brought it up.
Heather:
How long have you been working on it?
Alvin:
Six
Heather:
Years, oh come it doesn’t take that long to get an idea together.
Alvin:
Oh no, six days.
Maggie:
What does the Irish Ivan consist of?
Alvin:
Oh it’s so amazing…but it’s not ready. Oh but its so good, it would defiantly work, but its not ready.
Heather:
Listen Maggie’s desperate, even something extreme would help.
Maggie:
Um can I have a say in this.
Heather:
No
Maggie:
Lets do something to benefit me.
Alvin:
Is it always about her?
Heather:
Yes
Maggie:
I am the one with the deadline. I have the writer’s block.
Alvin:
Oh yes right. Okay Irish Ivan time. Where’s the kitchen?
Heather:
Through there. (Points. Alvin starts off)
Alvin:
Maribelle. (They exit together)
Heather:
Any thing?

Maggie:
Not really.
Heather:
Okay now I think you are trying to be difficult.
Maggie:
I am not.
Heather:
I called this guy…
Maggie:
Who has done nothing except embarrass him, and call his assistant by the wrong name?
Heather:
Okay so he might be the most beauteous or inspiring thing but he’s funny, he’ll make a great story.
Maggie:
I wish I was feeling inspired. Maybe he’s right; maybe I am not cut out to be a writer.
Heather:
Oh come on, don’t listen to him, he’s crazy. (Alvin enters)
Alvin:
Nice to know what you really think about me. Drink this.
Maggie:
What is it?
Alvin:
Nothing bad. (Maggie shrugs and then drinks it, she coughs)
Maggie:
What’s in this?
Alvin:
How should I know, I found the stuff in your fridge.
Maggie:
This isn’t suppose to be the Irish Ivan is it?
Alvin:
Oh Jesus no, it’s just the first part, don’t insult me.
Maggie:
So what come next?
Alvin:
Stand on your head.
Maggie:
I don’t know if I can do that.
Heather:
I’ll spot you. (Somehow they get Maggie to a headstand)
Maggie:
What do I do now?
Alvin:
I don’t know.
Maggie:
What you mean you don’t know.
Alvin:
I mean, you are suppose to know what to do. Aren’t you? This isn’t helping?
Maggie:
No (gets out of headstand)
Alvin:
Oh well let’s try something else. Spin.
Maggie:
What?
Heather:
What?
Alvin:
Spin in a circle like this (spins)
Maggie:
Okay (starts spinning) when can I stop?
Alvin:
Whenever you are feeling particularly inspired. (Maggie stops) Why did you stop?
Maggie:
I think it worked.
Heather:
What?
Maggie:
Yeah, Oh I got the best idea. (She runs to desk and writes something) Oh wow this is really good.
Heather:
Spinning?
Alvin:
It works? I find people are always different when it comes to what inspires them. I’ll send you the bill. (Him and Maribelle start off)
Heather:
Oh you forgot one of your bags. (Heather picks it up and happens to see inside.) What is this?
Maribelle:
Oh it’s nothing.
Heather:
Is this a house painters uniform?
Maribelle:
One of our…
Alvin:
Props.
Maribelle:
Yeah props.
Heather:
This is all painting stuff.
Maribelle:
More props.

Heather:
But you didn’t use any of it.
Alvin:
Wasn’t needed.
Heather:
You said before you used everything you had.
Alvin:
Hm weird, well we must be going.
Heather:
Wait a second; you were calling her by the wrong name because that’s not her real name.
Alvin:
No I am just egotistical.
Heather:
This is a scam. You are just housepainters.
Maribelle:
Room painters, we do interiors.
Alvin:
Sarah.
Maribelle:
What everyone just assumes we do exteriors, we don’t, it takes another kind of painter to do interiors. You know it’s your fault for not remembering my character name.
Heather:
Why did you come here, be honest.
Alvin:
We wanted to have some make some money on the side, also we’re novice actors on the side of our painting business.
Heather:
You made her do all the stuff…
Alvin:
We must be going (Runs off with Maribelle)
Heather:
They were room painters, do you believe that?
Maggie:
Huh what?
Heather:
That wasn’t Alvin or Maribelle; they weren’t the people from the business card.
Maggie:
So.
Heather:
What?
Maggie:
So it worked.
Heather:
But…
Maggie:
It’s not their fault they got an old number of some crazy person named Alvin.
Heather: But they were strangers, you drank something they gave you.
Maggie:
Oh yeah.
Heather:
What if it was poison?
Maggie:
They didn’t seem like they would poison someone.
Heather:
What they didn’t seem deranged to you.
Maggie:
A little weird maybe but, hey it was your idea to call. Probably would have been better if you just thought the painter stuff was props.
Heather:
It’s weird.
Maggie:
And it’s not weird to have someone come to your house and inspire you.
Heather:
True, still weird though.
Maggie:
Makes a good story though.