My Life......

April 26th, 1996 / Friday

Well, Scott's playing risk, so, Im watchin' T.V..... I want Chris to get home so we can go somewhere. Peace-out.


April 30, 1996

Well, I dont think I can handle being with Scott anymore. I dont think I can even handle living anymore. I feel as if this world isnt for me... I dont think it ever has been. I feel like a piece of a puzzle that doesnt fit in anywhere. Im so scared and confused. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont even know who I am now....

I know Scoo's sick of me, Ive been a huge bitch, but the weird thing is that I never know why. I cant handle all this. I think Im gonna do it..... I know Im going to do it. Sometime soon. Im tired of hurting, and of crying. Im tired of trying to solve everything, but there are so many things on my mind and I have no idea where to start.

GOD- Why, oh, why did you give me this life? Why not any other? But guess what, God, Im solving that problem soon, and nobody .... Including you... can do anything about it. THanks a lot for what you gave me.... Yeah right!!!! Fuck everyone.- AMEN

Well, I guess Scott can go find someone else. I know it wont be long until he has somebody else. He cant go without sex for that damn long. Atleast we will both be happy. Anyway, Bye.



May 2, 1996

Well, me and Scott had a wonderful day today. Until now... It's 3 am ... and all I wanted was a kiss goodnight. But he just turned over. I honestly wonder if the feelings are mutual sometimes. I guess sooner or later I will find out.


May 5th, 1996

I cant wait until my birthday. I will finally be 17. 1 more year to go 'till me and Scott can get married. I cant wait... I will finally be able to give my heart to Scott for eternity. I can do that now, but you know what I mean!!! I love Scott so much, and honestly, that scares me. I know how much it hurt when me and guys that I didnt love split up, I cant even imagine how Id feel if I lost Scott. I know Scott loves me.... But I get worried sometimes. I worry if I make him feel good in bed. I had no real experience before him. Love always, Gena


May 9th, 1996

Today's been a bad day. Scott's been fighting with his mom. Im sick of hearing it. Im tired of this town...of this fighting. I wish everybody would just shut up.

May 12th, 1996

I cant handle this anymore. Scott doesnt love me anymore. I know better. I really want to die. Maybe if I cut myself I will feel better. If not , I will write more in a minute.- Gena

May 3rd, 1996

( Found written in my journal )

Once upon a time I was falling in love... But now Im only falling apart. Ive never f***in' cheated on you. I love you, so much.... more than you will ever know. I stopped in the middle of the sentence out of respect for you. I dont want to fight with you. I wanted today to be a good day. Ive been trying to talk to you more and more, but I guess you cant see that. I love you, so much, Gena. Ive been trying so hard to open up to you and also to start over. But sometimes it seems like you dont evn want to start over and that you dont even care. God damn, Gena.... Ive been trying so hard and it seems like everything just backfires on me. I try so hard. Baby, I love you so much. I wish you could understand me so much, baby.

Love Always,
S.E.R.

Scott + Gena 4 ever & ever



So, I responded.............


Scott, You know that I know that you will never read this. But what I want and need is just for you to love me. Hold my hand.... Tell me you love me, and not like you usually do. You think you show me, but you dont. Who knows.... Maybe this is nothing more to you than a sex thing.... or maybe just a crush. But "True Love"....... ? Who knows.... Maybe it is...... But I dont want to live without you. So, if I lose you, I wont. Forget it. You would just get pissed at me anyway. Who f***in' cares. Its not like you will even bother to read this anyway.

GOD- Forget a baby. I will trade that dream for Scott... But if I dont have to I want both.

May 23, 1996 ( 2am )

Scott and I havent been fighting for awhile now. Its nice this way. I guess I will get you up to date. Scott's dad got $4,000.00 and spent it all on coke. Then he ditched Audrey at Smitty's in Chick.... so, we all walked home. So, like, he is kicked out. Me and Scott moved back to Bethany so we can both get jobs, so we can get a car and our own place. It will take awhile but it will be worth it. Ive had 4 periods in the last 2 months. These birth control pills are messin' me up. Today, Ive cleaned all day and finally got high. I thought it would put me to sleep, but apparently not. When Scott and I had sex tonight... I dont think he got off.... Im so afraid that he is going to leave me for someone prettier and with more experience. I have been trying to not get depressed about it, so, I have been doing laundry all night. Scott's asleep. He is so confusing. I know Im not beautiful and Im not great in bed. Plus, I used to be a huge bitch to him.... But he still loves me. Why? After all we have been through, why? wish he would be sweeter. You know, like, midnight walk's and sweet notes.... He used to do all that. But not anymore. The only time he has been romantic is when we are fighting and he wants to make up. I love him with all of my heart. I want to be with him forever. Fuck, gotta go do another load of laundry.

Gena