I wish I knew

Have you ever noticed -you- as a person, as an individual change? Are we ever able to pick up on the clues that demonstrate change in our lives, in our behavior, in our philosophy on life? I suppose we could go back and think about specific moments in our lives; traumatic events, falling in love, a book we have read, all of these things may lead us to comprehend life a little better. Now let me tell you about the event that changed my life.
Before I tell you about this story, I feel a need to explain that I was normal, if there is such a thing. The right life for the person I saw in the mirror every morning. My job was like any other, a nine-to-five computer programmer gig with co-workers I liked, and even had drinks with. Friends that were always fun to hang out with, and were there when I needed support. And, my beautiful wife whom I loved very much. Janet, she was the only woman who stole my heart. The woman I never doubted would love me forever. We met in college, by chance I think, being that I never really lived anywhere else other than the library. Janet worked in the reference department as a work-study employee. One afternoon, I happened to be writing a paper for my philosophy class and needed help finding one of my references. I think it was a book on Descartes, or maybe someone else, I suppose it does not matter. However, Janet offered some help; but it was not love at first sight.
Interestingly, it would take two months before I asked Janet out on a date. But from that moment on, I knew there was something special about her. Soon dating turned into an exclusive relationship that continued into our marriage. Okay, okay, I know what you are saying, "I know this story already, people fall in love, live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah. Where is the life changing experience, where is the dirt?"
So, I guess we are clear on the "normal" thing, now on to the main event. One night I walked into a local wine and spirits shop, to pick up a bottle of wine for dinner. Nothing special except for one fact: there was a woman in the shop that I could not take my eyes off of. Now, I know you do not want to hear it, but I have never cheated on my wife, and I never intended on cheating on her, either. So, this woman and I start a conversation on what else? Wine. I have to tell you that there was a certain excitement to the whole thing, but, I do not think I intended on acting on it, until I was about to walk out the store. We decided to have lunch the next day, which I rationalised as an innocent "lunch meeting." A few days after that lunch meeting, I started an affair with the woman I met at the liquor shop. I suppose I should be clear about a few things; guilt, shame, and dishonor constantly swam in my mind, like waves crashing unto a rocky shore. But, I did not feel any different than I did before I started the affair.
I think you would agree that this would constitute as a life changing moment; however, for me although I loved my wife very much, and I knew I was cheating on her, I still felt the same. But, there were changes in my life, for one, Janet knew me better than I knew myself. That meant she had my daily routing down to the "t." Which meant I had to pay very close attention to my behaviour, what time I got home, and what lies I was telling. I have to tell you, I thought I was doing a great job, and having a lot of fun at it too. Of course, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but, isn't an affair as normal as a cheeseburger? Does it not happen every minute of the hour? And in a way, it did spice up my marriage. I felt incredibly attracted to Janet, in ways that I never thought of.
So, I suppose maybe you want details, or maybe you do not, which is fine, because I guess the detail of this affair do not matter. I do not think I was unhappy with Janet. Bored? Maybe, but who isn't? I suppose what drove me to act on my desire was my need to project something I never felt, appeal. It was different than the attraction I felt from Janet, this woman seemed passionately attracted to me, it seemed all physical. However, when you are in the position I am in now, again, none of the details matter. As I lay here on this bed, with two holes in my stomach, blood spilling from inside me; a possible dead woman to my left, and my wife staring at me like a dark shadow in the night, I know that this is the defining moment in my life.
Not because I am about to die, not because I am shocked that somehow my wife found out. That seems distant now, fading as fast as my life slipping through my fingertips. But, because I thought I could get away with the whole charade, I did not think I would get caught. This is the moment I realise the evil I have done, and how ugly I have become.