The Foxworthy Code

Jeff Foxworthy has made his fortune making fun of Southern folks. The Beverley Hillbillies and The Andy Griffith Show grossed mega millions and they're still earning royalties from the shows. There have been countless movies too numerous to mention, that poked fun at us as well.. But now I would like to take this opportunity to tell Y'all a little secret. It ain't true. They made all that stuff up!

Yep. All lies. You non-rednecks have been duped.

Besides being one of the most intelligent groups in the world, folks from the South also possess a sixth sense. It's called common sense. (often referred to as horse sense) Yes. We learned early on that you can catch more flies with honey than you can vinegar. We live by the motto "Haste Makes Waste". We are slow, but we aren't stupid. We figured out that y'all laugh at us whenever we poke fun at ourselves. And the more y'all laughed, the more money we made from our fun poking. See what I'm saying?.

Now I will admit that nearly every small town in the South has a Gomer Pyle, a Jethro Bodine, and a few Ellie Maes, Aunt Beas and Andies. But when you study them really closely, you'll see that they are really Einsteins in overalls.

Show me something that's broken and I'll show you a Southerner who can fix it. It's a rare thing for a Southerner to take something into a shop to be repaired. The majority of the males were taught how to tear down a car engine, or any other engine for that matter, and put it back together, before they were taught how to drive. A lot of our ladies can do that as well. They were taught by their fathers and grandfathers how to build houses, long before they had need of homes of their own.

They can hunt and fish and grow their own vegetables, grind their own grain, make their own whiskey, wine and beer. In fact if you put a few Southerners on a deserted island, with only a hoe, a saw and a hammer, in no time at all, they would have a whole new state developed, complete with antebellum mansions, a general store, a church, a school and a couple of factories up and running. It's due to that sixth sense called "common".

And the food! You have never tasted food until you've had it Southern Style. Country Ham, Red Eye Gravy, Grits, Cat Head Biscuits. It's enough to make your tongue slap your brains out. Real Southern ladies are taught only four methods of cooking. They either fry it, bake it, barbecue it, or roast it. And they never do any of this without lots of grease, salt and/or sugar. Forget saute, poach, blanch, steam, puree, or garnish, nor do they serve the food as a presentation, to be admired for its creative style and elegance. ( you'll never witness it being placed in the middle of a huge plate in a pool of sauce, then shaped into a quenelle, then crowned with this, and dusted lightly with that, decorated with something else, then served up looking like a glob of house paint with the sponge left in it.) They chop, stir, flip, pour, add a pinch of this and a dash of that, then when it's cooked they put it on a plate and it's ready to be eaten.

Never tell a Southerner to hurry. He just doesn't do that. Southerners like to drive slow and brake often. They're a friendly bunch. They can't wave to their neighbors if they're driving 97 miles per hour through town. They like to make each day an experience, and make it as much fun as possible. It is a common site to find clumps of them, shaking hands and hugging one another, everywhere you look, from the grocery store to the post office. To not say, "Howdy, how 're you today?" is considered a humongous Faux pas. No matter how much they need to get done in a day, they always find the time to chat. What they don't get done today will be there tomorrow anyway. They take life slow and easy because they've learned that one's time here is short enough anyway without rushing through it.

Southerners are not hesitant to speak their minds, or to fight against injustice, but they have learned to do it in a tactful, soft-spoken manner. If you have ever been upbraided by a true Southerner, you might even come away feeling like you just received a compliment.

Of late, there has been a huge influx of Yankees on our sacred Southern soil. Maybe it's time we looked into a little immigration reform for the South. Perhaps Homeland Security should station the National Guard near the Mason/Dixon line, and have them check everyone who is crossing to make certain they have acquired their Redneck visas, and passed the test for their Southernship.

Another thing that I would suggest is that if a Yankee is going to immigrate to the South, then he should be made to learn the language. This is for their own safety and well being. They need to be able to speak slowly, drop the 'ings' from all words ending with i-n-g, know the difference in a house far and a fur distance. Minor points I will admit, but very important in the event their house catches far. They need to know that the far department is a fur ways down the road and that they should call immediately when the first puff of smoke is discovered. Also they need to pronounce it as "house far", so they will not be misunderstood and confused with the County Fair that might be in town that week.

Recently a poll was conducted to determine why so many Yankees are now moving to the South. When they were asked the question, "What do you like most about the South?", 87% of them said it was because the people were so friendly. 10% said it was a toss up between the people and the beautiful scenery. The other 3% said something, but their accent was so sharp and nasal that we couldn't understand what they said. We're guessing they said it was the moonshine, the home brew, and the blackberry wine.

Let me now leave you with this one last word of caution. The information contained in this article is just between the two of us, so don't go tellin' everbody up there in the North. They might not laugh at poor ole Foxworthy's redneck jokes anymore. Then he'd have to move up there with y'all and live in the subway or in a box in an alley someplace.