Last Night

When I’m sitting alone in my room I get a lot of thinking done, at least most of the time. It’s like a tiny refuge for me to sit and think about all the shit going on in my life, although most of the time that just fucking upsets me. Sometimes I try to avoid it for that reason because sometimes thinking about it is worse than not thinking. That was the fucking case tonight after she got mad at me again, and it’s only worse because it’s over something so fucking stupid.

So when I stepped in my room tonight I immediately dreaded it. Usually I don’t sleep in my room, usually I find some reason like “it’s too cold” which will work most of the time. My room is cold though, I mean it; it’s the fucking basement of our house. It’s a nice little place to get away because everyone forgets about me down there when I’m sitting on my futon staring at the cream plaster of my walls. My family knows when I’m down there not to mess with me so I just kind of zone out and time ceases to act rationally. Tonight I couldn’t get a reason to not sleep down there, and I desperately wanted one.

“It’s cold down there, and you just turned on the air conditioner,” I said, and I wasn’t lying. It was colder than usual tonight.

“Take the heater down. You’re gonna mess up the couch if you keep sleeping on it,” dad said.

That was fucking bullshit. He just thought it was weird that I always slept on the couch, and maybe it was, but it made me feel comfortable and not me. I didn’t want to be me tonight.

“Dad, you can’t even feel that heater. It’s still cold.”

“Get more blankets. You’re not sleeping up here tonight.”

His tone and pitch was going up in his voice. His face had begun to shows signs of pink and his eyes narrowed. It was fucking pointless, and with that I had grabbed the heater and walked down the stairs.

It was dark, pitch fucking black, down there, and of course my light switch wasn’t until the bottom of the stairs. Normally this wouldn’t be so hard because I would just hold the railing and reach around the wall and flip the switch, no problem right? Wrong. Tonight I had that stupid heater and so I had to hold onto it so it wouldn’t fall down the stairs. I stumbled down the stairs with it, and I knew the night wasn’t going to get better.

I plugged the heater into the wall by the water faucets that ran up the wall of my room. They were random and I don’t know where they came from but they were there and they fucking dripped continuously so I tried to avoid putting my stuff by them. My futon was over on the other side of the room and it was covered with shit. Clothes, books, candy, my Playstation, it was all on it so I decided to sit on my little brother’s bed instead. We technically shared a room but he never came over so I always had this perfectly made bed in the corner of my little mess of a room. It was like the fucking eye of a hurricane where it was calm but right outside of it was dangerous and a fucking mess.

I was dead tired but I couldn’t sleep so I just lay there, looking at the fucking ceiling in the dark and thinking. Today had been shit, and it had been that way before I even fell asleep last night. It was just a bunch of bullshit high school drama but it was one of those things that fucking gnaws at you until you finally confront it. I had pissed off Natalie and Kristen, two of my best friends, and it was over something stupid. I’ve told you about Natalie before and I guess that would explain why this bugged me but she was one of those people I didn’t want mad at me. Kristen was different from Natalie because we were close but really I couldn’t stand her most of the time. She was nice but always trying to find out things about me and then tell the world like it was something I was just dying to let be known.

That’s what had happened last night too; Kristen had messaged me and wanted to know who I masturbated to. It was fucking weird, and so I didn’t tell her. Should be no problem right? Wrong. She just went insane, saying we weren’t good friends anymore, and that I was arrogant and a bad friend. I really didn’t say a whole lot back because if you know me then you know when I say one thing I just explode until I’ve fucking ruined any chance of retribution. So I didn’t say anything, but then she did it.

She brought in Natalie saying that was the only person I cared about anymore. For some reason that stung because I had never said anything like that to her ever. I did care about Natalie but I knew I had no chance anyways so I didn’t fucking try that much and the only time I had talked about her with Kristen was when she asked me what was wrong. I thought I would tell her and it would be okay, but apparently it wasn’t. So I went off, and I went off bad.

Tonight though Natalie had found out about my fight with Kristen and asked me about it. I didn’t want to bring it up with her because it had been stupid anyways. Kristen had told her about it. So I went off on Kristen again and this pissed Natalie off because I guess Kristen means more to her than me. That was what stung the most, and that’s why I didn’t want to be in my room tonight.

I knew I would get to that part of the story in my head and breakdown.

And I did. I fucking cried myself to sleep.

Because that’s what people do when they’re upset.