Think Your Job Is Tough?

The dumb son of a bitch had better get his shit together. I am not a James Bond type. I cannot rescue him every time he gets his lame ass in a crack.
The stupid motherfucker needs to pay attention. There is no way you can be a professional burglar and not keep your mind on what you’re doing. He's going to get me busted is whats going to happen. I'll have to kill him in a jail, and then I'll never get out.
I mean for cryin' out loud. It’s not like we are stealing jewels, for Christ’s sake. It’s relatively simple. We are stealing grandmas, so you have to pay attention.
Stealing grandmas isn’t some pansy type of theft. Those old birds can be feisty. You would be too if somebody were trying to stuff you into a large plastic bag. They tend to get a little irate. A bit resistant even.
You cannot smack one in the head and then just take a breather. You have to keep up with your follow through. I mean, let's face it; you never want to hit them too hard. They aren't worth much if they're damaged. Even their fuckin' teeth have to be with them. Apparently, they are needed so you can feed the old bats.
Grandmas are a real selective item to steal. A good one will bring in quite a bit of cash. Nevertheless, if they are damaged then you get much less than you should. So, if your stupid, and don’t pay attention, then you may have to knock the hell out of one of them, take a chance on damaging them and having to take a significant cut in the going price.
It was the same way back when uncles were popular. Being uncles, they were mostly males, unless there had been some kind of freak accident in your family. They could always be counted on to put up a fight. If you happened to catch one that had a lot of spirit in him, then you may as well get ready to rumble. But the money was good.
Grandmas didn’t pay as much but then they were usually less work all the way around.
Unless you were partnered with this Einstein. I am almost tempted to sell him and keep grandma. She isn’t bad looking for an old lady. She can probably cook and I know she don’t smell as bad as this moron.
But I doubt he's worth very much as he is. I would have to prep him in some way before I could get a good price for my efforts. An 'as is' price for an idiot isn’t worth it.
That’s it! I'll sell them both as some kind of package deal. Bump up the price, get rid of a headache and have a little more cash to show for it. I been heisting grannies since the market changed and they have proven to be the easiest to handle. Hadn't been anything that easy to work with since we stopped harvesting local weathermen. Those boneheads were as easy as taking candy from a baby.
All you had to do was smile a bit and treat them like small children. Give them candy and shit. Do that and they would follow you off a cliff. Real stupid sumbitches. I have often wondered if my partner was possibly one of them that had gotten loose. When this job was over, I had already decided I was giving him back to the handlers. Take the monetary loss. It would be easier that way. Cause as dumb as he is I can’t sell him to anyone and come out on top. In the long run, I would lose money. And I'm all about money.

I’ve given serious consideration to switching product. Grannies were getting to difficult. They can be violent. Once, this one granny grabbed me by the ear and wouldn’t let go. It took three other guys to get the old bat off me. They want to spit, scratch, kick, and unlike Maytag repairmen, they try to kick you in the balls. As far as demand, the only people interested in hot grannies, is your parents that want to shut the yaps of the rug rats who want to know why they don’t have a grandma like little fuckin’ Billy down the street. The parents themselves can be a pain in the ass. I’ll give you a piece of friendly advice; do not accidentally, while shit faced on pills and gin-spiked prune juice deliver a Roto-Rooter guy to a buyer expecting a granny. That’s no way to inspire confidence in customer satisfaction. There has to be an easier way to make a dime than stealing grandmas.

Though the only thing I can think of that will bring in the same amount of money as grannies is probably Ecuadorian papaya-pickers, but I’ll need to do a little research before I commit to that. One, I don’t want to travel to Ecuador and two, Ecuadorian papaya-pickers sound fraught with inherent problems of their own. I’m not a ’out of the frying pan, into the fire’ kinda guy. The whole point of being a theif is to not have to work. Having to smuggle Ecuadorian papaya-pickers in and out of a country doesn’t sound the slightest bit pleasant either. Can you imagine shoving an Ecuadorian papaya-picker up your behind while you crossed the border? Thieves don’t qualify for workman’s comp. Or what if one fell out of your ass as you were coming across? I mean shit, it really doesn’t matter whether they fell out head first or feet first, I think someone’s going to notice and more than likely have something to say about it.

There is one option I thought might work. They didn’t bring in quite as much money and you virtually never had a problem with anyone missing them. I found out why very quickly. Homosexual schizophrenic chimney sweeps alienate quite a few folks during the course of a day. They’re a bit like free neighborhood newspapers, nobody gives a damn if you take ten, twenty, or even fifty. Most people don’t care until you start leaving them strewn all over the street to accumulate under hedges and along the curbs. And they jabber all day. Yap, yap, yap, yap. All fuckin’ day! I’m a thief, not a killer, but those homo schizophrenic chimney sweeps almost drove me to it. To add insult to injury, about the only thing that will satisfy the yappin’ fools is another crazy homo chimney sweep. Then, before you know it, they’re all over the freakin’ place. Runnin’ around, yappin’ and jabberin’, trying to sweep a chimney you don’t even have. I think that’s how they reproduce. A person becomes one after prolonged exposure to them. I got out of that business in a hurry.

I don’t know. You always think the grass is greener on the other side of the street, but it rarely is. Everything has its drawbacks. Sometimes its better to stay right where you’re at. I tried praying about it to the God of Health, Prosperity and Double Coupon days at the Piggly Wiggly, but I didn’t get a response. He was busy that Wednesday or something.

The easiest and most sensible thing to do is to keep swiping grandmas. They’re violent and unpredictable, they are missed pretty quickly and some people do attempt to get them back, but for the money they are the best thing going. Before I forget, for you guys thinking of getting into the business, you have to always make sure the old lady you steal is actually a granny. Just because a woman is gray-haired and has false teeth, you cant assume she is a grandma. If you snatch one, make delivery and then learn she doesn’t have the slightest idea of how to be granny-like the customer will demand their money back . If you have ever tried to put one back quietly, you know its an impossibility. As soon as the gag comes off, they start hollerin’. So, be careful. You may get busted because who is going to believe you were putting her back? Then when you get to jail and they find out what you’re in for, its almost a certainty that one of the other inmates has had his granny stolen and then they want to come after you. I know it sounds ludicrous that other thieves would be sentimental about grandmas, but if they know what you’ve done they get very upset and want to fight.

Maybe it would be better to go straight and get a real job. One stealing jewels, cars or cash. The special order crap just don’t feel worth it in the long run. Until I do, all you grannies, weathermen, uncles, Roto-Rooter guys, Maytag repairmen, Ecuadorian papaya pickers and homosexual schizophrenic chimney sweeps had better watch out. I may have my eye on you.

Peace.