Loving Me

(Ring, Ring) “Hello?” I said groggily, refusing to open my heavy eyes to check the clock.

“Hey baby how you doin?” Devon’s smooth voice sounded like he had been up for hours.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” I didn’t bother trying to mask my anger.

Devon, still on his best behavior said, “I was just thinkin about my baby, and I wanted to call before I left for work.”

Ok, this sap sucker can’t think I’m going to fall for this. “I’m asleep, call me back when the sun comes up!” I said. Ignoring his latest ploy for attention I let the cordless drop to the floor.

I can’t believe he keeps calling me at four in the morning. I guess he thinks his four o’clock wake-up calls will make me forgive him. Wrong answer. Although I have to admit he’s more persistent now than I’ve ever known him to be.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, hoping to fall asleep. I still have two and a half hours of sleep left. The moon shone brightly through the blinds making it hard to get back to sleep.

Making matters worse my movements had awaken Shady, my three year old Chow Chow. She had maneurved herself to the middle of the bed, laying flat on her back with her paws in the air. She had taken control of most of the bed.

An hour or so later the chirp of the alarm clock caught me off guard. "It’s time to get up already? It feels like I just went to bed a few minutes ago."

These early morning phones are wreaking havoc on by beauty rest. Why can’t he just send flowers and candy like anyone else? Oh, I know why. Cheap bastard. I don’t know why I stayed with him so long anyway.

(Ring, Ring) Here we go again. He seems to be taking this thing to a whole new level. I could feel my anger rising as I reached for the phone.

“What do you want now?” I snapped, expecting to hear Devon’s voice.

“What’s your problem answering the phone all ghetto?” Trina asked trying to sound insulted.

“Hey girl, I thought you were Devon.” Hearing my best friend’s voice, I felt a sense of relief.

“Don’t tell me Devon is still making those early morning, I love you please take me back, calls?” Trina asked. She had already told me to change the number.

I yawned and stretched before answering. “Yeah girl, they are wearing me out.” “Between him and the dog, I’m not getting any sleep.”

“I told you, you shoulda sent that damn dog with him. Somebody forgot to tell that buster his game is played" said Trina matter of factly.

“I know that’s right. I tell him all the time, he just won’t listen. So, what’s up with your early morning call?” I asked knowing that she's never up this early.

"I almost forgot, Trina exlcaimed exitedly. "You would not believe who I saw last night."

“Who?” I said curiously.

Trina could barely contain herself, "Girl I saw Xavier, and he asked about you!"

“Oh, you saw X, where was he?” I asked, trying not to seem interested.

"Of all places, the book store." She genuinely seemed suprised. "He was in there looking at a magazine and drinking coffee. I didn't know he could read. We talked about nothing for a minute. Then he asked about you."

“Mm really?” I said nonchalantly.

"What do you mean, mm really?" Trina said. "Not long ago that would have brought a smile to your face. I know you want to know what he said, don’t you?" She didn't want to let it go.

Answering too quickly I said, “Not really, what difference would it make anyway? Things have changed, I have changed” I’m not the same person he use to kick it with. I’ve grown up.” I hoped my response would her to just change the subject.

She said, "Alrighty then Ms. I’ve grown up. Hell, I’ll tell you anyway. He wanted to know how you’re doing and whether you still lived in the same spot."

“Really, what did you say?” I asked, afraid of what she might have said.

Sensing my fear, Trina said, “What you think I said? I said she’s happily married with two kids.”

“You what?” I said, missing the sarcasm in her voice.

Trina said, “Oh, so now you care uh? That’s what I thought.” Amazing, this chick knows me too well.

Trina tried to reassure me. “I told him you’re still in the same place, just working hard and livin life. I think he really wanted to know what’s going on in your personal life. But I didn’t go there…not my place. I did tell him yo number ain’t changed. As I was walking away, he said he would holler at cha.”

Trina never could accept the fact that me and Devon couldn’t work through our issues. She always said X was my prince charming. I don’t know what that makes Devon.

I really didn't know what else to say, I told Trina I would call her after work.


***
Driving to work my thoughts kept going back to X. I can’t believe Trina saw him last night. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. There are so many things I wish I had done differently, things I wish I had said. I guess everything happens for a reason.

I remember the first time we met, like it happened yesterday. It was my junior year at Up State College. My good friend and roommate introduced us.

***
“Girl, I’ve got the perfect guy for you” said Jeanette in her ultra, high pitch voice. Jeanette and I have been roommates since our freshman year. We're totally opposite. She's outgoing and popular, the life of the party. While I'm laid back and mild mannered. I hate to be the center of attention.

I rolled my eyes, Jeanette always has the perfect guy for me.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me; I didn’t use to date him. He’s not my type” she said, recognizing the look on my face. Thank God for that, I thought. Her type certainly isn’t my type.

“He’s your type. He’s too nice for me. Girl you know I like rough neck brothas.” said Jeanette in a reassuring voice.

“Yeah, I know. Everyone knows you like em two feet out of or into the jail house” I said to Jeanette as I felt a disgusted look cross my face.

“Anyway…he’s bout 6’2, got some meat on his bones, and deep cocoa brown just the way you like them.” She sounds so sure of herself. I have to admit,Jeanette does know what I like, but I can’t get into the habit of letting her pick my men for me. No telling where she met this one.

“I gave him the phone number, he’s spose to call some time today”, Jeanette nearly whispered knowing I wouldn’t like her giving my number out.

“How you gonna give him my number before you tell me about him? That’s ass backwards. You bring ‘em home, but I gotta get rid of them. Thanks Jeanette!” I screamed, not sure of what else to say.

“Girl, chill! You know I wouldn’t mess you up." Jeanette screeched. "I mean, you can’t be seen with me with Clifford the dog by yo side. You know he has to look like something for me to even mention him. Come on, just talk to him and see what he’s about.” She said, a little more seriously.

Calming down I asked, “What did you tell him about me?”

Jeanette paused giving herself an extra minute to think before answering. “Ok, here’s the thing. He knows who you are, but he wants to talk to you on the phone before ya’ll meet officially.”

I didn’t have to think about my response, I said “Jeanette this has all the makings of a horror flick. He knows me, but I can’t pick him out of a police line up.”

Jeanette said, “Relax ya'll know some of the same people”.

“And?” I snapped.

“You know Terrell?” Jeanette said, more seriously than before.

“Yeah” I said softening a little.

“He and Terrell are roommates. And homeboys too; they went to high school together.” I can tell Jeanette was getting excited.

“Let me think about it”, I said. As usual she had worn me down. This chick is going to make a great lawyer some day.

But Jeanette wasn’t finished, she said “What’s there to think about? It’s not like you seeing anybody else", she said, quickly slipping back into the real Jeanette. “Ya’ll don’t have to hook up. Hell, Ya’ll can just kick it.” “Just talk to him. I gotta go, I’m a be late to class again. Old man Clawson said if I'm late again I'll have to leave.

I wanted to have the last word. I said “I don’t think…” But it was too late she had already run out the door. Okay I need some time to collect my thoughts. I hate feeling like I'm not in control. I'm not a control freak or anything, but I like knowing I have a handle on things.

Just as Jeanette closed the door the phone rang.
.
How convenient, she leaves and the phone rings. It can’t be him, he can’t be calling already, I thought. I hope not, I'm not ready for this.

“Hello” I answered hesitantly.

“Sophie there?” asked the stranger.

“Speaking” I responded.

“This is Xavier, Jeanette gave me your number.” He said reluctantly.

Okay this brother has a very sexy voice, not ghetto. It’s low and kind of deep, but not Barry White deep. Sexy and smooth, I’d better be careful. I'm a sucker for sexy voices.

I thought for a minute before I responded. “Hey, she just told me about you right before she walked out the door a minute ago.”

“My bad, we talked about it a couple of days ago, I thought she’d told you already.” He sounded so sincere
.
“She didn’t, but I’ll live.” I felt myself loosening up.

For about a minute we were both quiet, but it wasn’t awkward.

Then Xavier interrupted the silence, “So how’s your day going?”

I liked the way he didn’t let the quiet lull scare him away. He moved the conversation along. I could tell he felt comfortable taking the lead.

“Today has been pretty good. I don’t have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
But I have to work a little later this afternoon.” I said falling comfortably into the conversation.

“Where do you work, do you work everyday?” Xavier asked.

He’s awfully interested in my job, I hope he’s not a gold digger. God knows I don’t need that.

“I work at an after school program in Ormond. I pick kids up from school, and I help them with their homework. I also help out with free play.” I answered slowly dropping my guard. We try to keep them busy until their parents get off work.

“So, I guess you like working with kids huh? Is that what you want to do when you finish school?” He probed.

The conversation flowed easily, it didn’t seem like I was talking to a complete stranger.
I said, “Yeah, I think I want to teach. My major is History, but I’m being certified to teach. I prefer school aged kids. I try to stay away from babies. They can’t tell you what they want like the older ones can. What’s your major?”

Xavier paused before answering, as if he were searching for the perfect answer. He said, in a strong, sexy voice, “I’m psychology. I’m going to grad school somewhere. I just don’t know where yet. I plan to be a child psychiatrist.”

This brother has impressed me already. It’s not too often that I meet a college student who thinks beyond tomorrow.

I hated to end the conversation, but I had to leave for work. I said, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get ready to leave for work.”

Xavier paused for a minute before speaking, “Is it okay if I call you later?”

Answering a little too quickly I said, “Yeah, I would like that. I should be home around seven”.

Sounding relieved, he said “I’ll call you later”.
***
It didn’t take long for us to start talking everyday, several times a day. In fact, eventually I looked forward to his daily calls. Although I had never seen him, he began to mean something to me. He eventually told me about his six month old daughter and her mother. They lived in his hometown. I asked whether they were together, he