The darker side of the coin

Life has a way of bringing you places and to experiences you never wanted or expected.

I have believed that people expierience both sides of the coin, the good and the bad. At this moment my life has taken a journey to the darker side. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to whine. I really see this as a chance to learn more and grow as a person.

A bit about my journey ...

In 2004 I as diagnosed with DDD, aka degenerative disk and spine diease. Which means my vertabrea and disks are basically disentigrating. Yeah, it hurts to some degree, everyday and I am prescribed some powerful pain killers to help take the edge off the pain. Nothing will relieve all the pain. I have have one discectomy and am scheduled for another in a month (Dec. 2006). I have also had several nerve block procedures. Though intended to block the pain response, the procedure it self is akin to a tetnus shot creeping through my legs as the doctor injects multiple shots into my spine. In my case things are progressing kind of quickly. I have been told I'll be a parapelegic in a couple years, and as the disease progresses a quadrapelegic in the future. I wouldn't choose this, but I'm fighting it as well I can.

In Dec. 2005, my three children moved to their dad's home. It was in their best interest as the schools are far better and I have a hard time financially providing for them. I miss them intensely and wish I could be with them everyday. I miss so much of their lives ... and feel so unlike the mom I used to be.

As money disappeared, due to employers not wanting to hire me and my pronounced limp, I had to ask for my family for help, give up my home and move into my dad's home. They are wonderful, ubderstanding, and the best a person could wish for. But I would like to have my own place again. In time I will.

There's more to my story ... but I think this paints enough of a picture.

The part about the coin. I have had a chip on my shoulder about people on welfare. I always looked down on them and didn't bother to ask how their lives came to such a place. I now receive Medicaid (when the system isn't messing up my coverage) and may need to apply for more help in the near future.

I also looked down at mothers who didn't have their children living with them. I am now one of them. This is worse than any physical pain I have ever experienced.

Adults living with their parents - huh, they must just be lazy bums; I used to think. I am one of them.

Well, I vented a bit ... feel a bit better for it.

I welcome anyone's comments, questions or advice. I don't have steady internet access, but I will respond as I have time.

If this is written poorly, mispelled or just a boggled rambling .... I apologize to you the reader and thank vicodin, nuerontin, and tordal for their ability to disrupt my favorite my favorite hobby and dream to be a writer.

As I said, I don't want to be concidered a whiner, I keep trying to get by and cope with what life trying to teach me.

An FYI for others who deal with pain on any kind of basis ... I have found to things that help a little. One is meditation. The other is asking the higher power to relieve a suffering child's pain when mine becomes unbearable. Amazingly, I always find a little relief soon after.

Write well dear reader, and I wish you a smooth journey.


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Hello, it is now December 4th, 2006 ...

The pain is still with me as I search for work ... an endless journey as any unemployed worker knows...

I have to admit that atleast the state of New York is helping to make ends meet. At this moment they pay my rent - $300.00 (USD), along with my medical bills and provide me with $155.00 (USD) a month for food. Oh, and $20.00 per month for any little things I may need. Hmmm ... Thank you NYS.

I have to run - I must find a job - SOON !!!

Skye, dreamer - hard worker when given the chance


PS : what do you think of shrinking my novel writing to 1 folder ???



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Hi, it is now January 29th, 2007 ...

As goes with the great State of New York and our treasure "social" services dept (and doctors justified reactions to it) ...

I am just this week going in for my pre-surgery testing. My Dr. F. ( the guy great with a knife, but lacking people skills) hopes to only do a discectomy, though there is a very real chance of fusing L4-L5.

As far as my personal life goes, my boyfriend held my hands across the restuarant table (getting another couple's attention) and told me on a Friday in December that : "You are everything I am looking for and so much more. And I really don't want to screw this up" {this is a direct quote folks. And a warning girls 'if he's "hoping" then something is wrong}. On the following Tuesday he had another woman cooking him dinner and, huh, that's odd .... she's with him now ! Well, all I can say is 'fine by me'. I tend to bounce back quickly, since it takes me awhile to give my full trust [a whole other can of worms].As far as he goes ... he must want an underhanded woman because he had introduced me to her a week before at his own stepmothers funeral - she knew full well he was taken. At that time he said he had no interest in her , I bought it hook line and sinker at the time .... duh !!!!

No worries, I got my courage up today and called a guy I've known over a decade and had strong feelings for. It felt great to hear his vioce, we don't stay in touch that well. But I'm hoping that once again he can be there for me AND I for him. He did this in the past when I needed a friend in the worst way. We stumbled over the dating thing but never dove for it. I dived tonight, I hope he'll catch me.

Write well everyone !!!