Love and loved

Before me stands the burning passion I feel for you, ashes scatter to the wind hoping to become so much more then a broken memory that plays in your head, mush like the broken record I have become attached to in the recent months. The ashes that fly hope to become pure again much like the children that only a few hours ago shouted at the park down the street. A passionate blaze to show that some where deep inside of this black heart I can love you and that I can only try to help. A fire that seems all too unreal to me as the heat radiates, and the night sky seems no different then that summer sky we used to share. That burning sun that we used to absorb like a sponge; all those nights we had spent in the backyard of my home, stars shimmering, illumining the shadows to the extent that we had now fear of that lies past the lies our parents fed us, the lies we fed ourselves. This fire, that I stand in front of, flashes like fireworks as the toys of past lives dissolve to nothing but ashes, that also hope for a better life, oh how I wish you where here.
Would you deem me mad for this, one mistake above many that you stood by? That blaze that seemed to never die was much like you, ghosts of the past can not die only live on in the minds of those who they try to help, or of those who they try to hurt, most likely unintentionally. Is that our excuse? That it was unintentional? The faceless dolls that we hurt in our adolescences where all unintended? We can not say that we can not contradict our true feelings no matter how hard we try; this mass of burning wood proves that.
Oh how I wish I could see your face, how that flames would make the shadows on your porcelain face dance. Am I damned? Would you say 'no' as a lie of comfort, even though I would know that it was false, I know I am damned, cursed to a life of lies and contradiction. Is this what we made for ourselves? The web we have spun? Or is this madness? A pure, passion filled madness that you drove me into with this unwanted power?
You pull me out of my thoughts with your angelic voice, even though filled with a pain, "What have you done?!"
I did this for you- for us. I can not seem to pull my self to turn away from the captivating flames.
"Why?" you beg as I just stand, your voice is slowly failing you. I can hear you choke back a sob; pity is not something I should feel, and I know what I did may seem passionless, pointless, and utter madness but alas, it is the opposite.
"Even if I where to tell you why, you would never understand, not truly." The truth is, "Even if I where to explain, I could never tell in depth what I meant by this." I pause, I want to see your face, your doll like face, and I finally rip myself from the spectacle and turn to you.
Even as the rain pours down, I see you clearly, chest heaving trying to recover oxygen, your heartbeat drums in my ears, echoing, taunting. Your crimson hair mattered and out of place, as you step foreword, clothes wet and stuck to your frame, such a petite frame, so fragile, so easily broken. "Why?" You beg; I can see tears in you eyes, "I want an answer, a reason anything- Please!" You shout; I know that I can not tell you, you will never understand, this power, this loneliness I feel. I know that pain you feel, this house- Oh God this house, the place of your pain, of your depression, I had to do this, to see you smile once more to hear that laugh with my own ears, I had to I want to scream it, but nothing comes out, you will not understand, because you hide this pain from yourself, you do not let it exist, but it does. Your eyes show it, your laugh is hollow and your smile is yet another lie among many.
"I did this for you," I say my voice is weak, but that is a false sound, I want you to believe me, pity me, as long as you do not leave me. "For us," I continue, as she does nothing but stand there and stare at me with those beautiful green eyes, so alive even with anger and sadness I can feel it, something I have not felt for a long time in my life, just that life, she is alive and I am nothing but a memory.
"I loved you." Is all she says, but those three word break my already long dead heart. My eyes glaze over and sirens fill the silence of this night. "You have to leave, and never come back…" Is all she says, I know that, that I have to leave but I want her with me, immortally mine for ever and then, but I could not force her.
"you said you loved me," Maybe I was the one with pain and sadness in my eyes, and maybe I am the one with the hollow laugh and a false smile, with pain filled memories playing like a broken record in my mind, maybe just maybe I am mad, pushed to the breaking point with pure madness, but never- never, second guess that this blaze was not passionate, never think twice about the words of love I uttered to you, because they where meant for the both of us, to heal the wounds that immortality had left on me, and to heal the wounds that mortality had left on you. Before I flee from the sirens and this blaze I started, with your home at kindling, I uttered those words, the forbidden words that not once had I used directly, "I still love you."