The Christmas Letter

I belong to a writing club. After a discussion regarding those letters received in Christmas cards, our assignment was to write a funny letter. Here is what I came up with.

Dear Friends,

What an exciting year we have had in 2006. Of course, every year is exciting but this year seemed to go above and beyond.

It all started with the cruise George and I took to the Bahamas in January. What was supposed to be a nice relaxing vacation after the holidays turned out to be anything but. I’ll never let George book our vacations again. He picked the least expensive cabin and when we arrived, it took us two hours to find it. Down two flights on an elevator, then another two flights of stairs, until finally we found it….next to the engine room! Between the hum of the engines and the rocking of the ship, well, we slept like babies. Unfortunately, we also missed a number of the shows and the midnight buffet. So at least I didn’t gain any weight!

Mary and George, Jr. brought the kids for a visit at Easter. Oh, it was so wonderful to see them. Their 4-year old twins, Suzie and Steven have grown so much! We now know that when Steven says he’s hungry, he isn’t kidding around. While Mary and I were in the dining room setting the table, we heard a loud explosion. Frantically we ran to the kitchen and threw open the door only to find Steven covered in splattered blood from head to toe as well as the ceiling, cupboards, counter and normally pristine white vinyl floor. Mary picked up her screaming child and ran to the bathroom, put him in the tub and turned on the shower. At the same time, George was yelling, “CALL 9-1-1!” (George is always so much help in these situations.) As the chaos ensued out in the kitchen, I stood there holding the hand of this traumatized child in the shower trying to find where the blood had come from but could find nothing, not a even a scratch. After a few minutes Mary came back into the bathroom laughing. We all learned that day what happens when you put an unopened can into the oven and turn it on. You re-decorate your kitchen in “spagettio” motif.

George turned the ripe old age of 50 this year. I planned a huge party to celebrate and celebrate we did….in the hospital atrium! The morning of the party, George decided to do some tree-trimming to make room for more tables and chairs. So there he was up on the ladder with his buzz-saw buzzing away. Suddenly something flapped right next to his ear. He dropped the saw and as he followed it toward the ground backward, he spotted what turned out to be the largest Sparrow he’d ever seen sitting on the branch of the tree. They took the cast off his body six weeks later...all because of that huge “bird of prey”!

Larry left for college in September, our last baby headed out into the world. George and I realized that our house was now too empty so we decided to sell it and move to a smaller home. We were able to sell the old one within a week and moved and settled into our new beautiful home by the end of the month. The weekend before Thanksgiving, the phone rang and it was Larry calling from the police station. Seems we forgot to tell him we’d moved. The new family came home from church to find him asleep on their couch with the football game going on the television. Must be either their furniture looked a lot like ours or our son is not the genius we thought he was.

We spent Thanksgiving at the home of George, Jr. and Mary. It was a lovely time with family. We had all settled around the beautiful table with the large roasted turkey sitting as the centerpiece. “Where are the stuffing and potatoes?” asked George. AACK!! Poor little Mary had focused so much on making the turkey that she’d forgotten all the side dishes. She and I raced to the kitchen and made instant mashed potatoes, a salad, and luckily she had a can of that gelled-cranberry stuff in the pantry. It was a Thanksgiving that Mary will not hear the end of for years to come and we all got over-full anyway. Some traditions just refuse to die!

We did, however, end the year on a positive note. On our way to the airport to head to George and Mary’s house, we dropped Barney off at the home of some friends who lived about a 3 hour drive from us. We promised we’d pick him up on the way home. The next day we got a frantic call from them. Barney was missing. What could we do? George was just beside himself but our airline tickets could not be changed. He paced and worried the entire weekend, making twice-a-day calls to see if Barney had shown up. But no….by the time we were heading home, George had resolved himself that Barney was lost and he’d never see him again. With a very sad look on his face, George turned into our driveway, and suddenly slammed on the breaks. What was that on the front porch??? BARNEY!!! Yep, there was Barney all covered in mud and muck…with the Thanksgiving Day paper in his mouth. What a good dog!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!

George and Sarah Baker