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An insane view on an insane world.....my thoughts exposed, enter at your own risk! |
| This is a living book, no beginning, no end, just an endless middle....it's a document of the Present, a place to store my musings on the world. A receptacle for the ramblings, rants, and raves that ricochet around my head in need of a place of reprieve (no fear, it's not entirely written in alliteration). Enter at your own risk, I have forewarned there is no plot, so do not expect a cohesive and concise body of work....this book is truly about Life; it mimics Life in that is doesn't always make sense. |
| Here are my stats: Career I have a high-profile lucrative career, which I abhor. It was never my aspiration to be a ‘suit’, to be a cog in the machine of Corporate America, it just sort of happened that way. My job is like the panty hose and high heels I have to wear—confining and uncomfortable. Everyday I go in and have to don a ‘professional’ demeanor, engage in pointless small-talk and reign in any part of me that is individualistic in order to conform to the ‘social norm’. Advancement is not based on merit; it’s based on puckering up to the right people. It’s ruled by ego. I know how to play the game, and I play it well. I am respected and well-liked by those in positions of power, and I’ve been told I have my future made, that I can ride it all the way to the top. But that’s not what I want. I refuse to be pacified into believing I’m successful….it means nothing to me if I’m achieving someone else’s dream. Just because I’m good at it and have the way paved does not mean I should do it. In fact, I know I should not. It would be a great disservice to myself if I just popped my head back in the box and barreled forward without questioning if I’m happy and fulfilled. |
| Love is a double-edged blade, it's pierce draws both pleasure and pain. The duality of Life, good and evil, darkness and light, is evident in the nature of Love. Does love always mean loss? Is loving someone a curse as well as a blessing, in that you know separation and pain and heartache is imminent? It's this counterweight of balance that causes me to be hesitant in moving forward, in taking action, in Living....I'm afraid, through Pavlov's classical conditioning model of learning I have learned that with the good comes the bad, with the pleasure comes the pain. I cannot remain paralyzed by this knowledge, because inaction is death. Every course of action has an equal reaction, isn't that a principle of physics? It's either moving forward (starting a sequence) with the knowledge of inevitable consequence or not moving at all.... And since inaction is an inverse of Living (a form of Death), isn't it better to move and accept the consequence? Isn't taking the good with the bad better than taking nothing at all? Man, it's hard....it's bittersweet, it's sweet-sorrow, the very nature of Life is an oxymoron. But, as a wise man once said: "T' is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"--Lord Alfred Tennyson I equate the ride of life to the game Plinko on the "The Price is Right": the one where you drop a round disk at the top of the board and it filters through a grid of angles...either to drop in a '$0' or the '$15,000' slot at the end. You don't know where the disk is going to go....it seems it's going to the right but then hits an angle and drastically alters course...you have no control, all you can do is cheer it on and hope it falls into a high value category. But even then, if it doesn't hit the jackpot, the excitement of watching the disk go through the board is the prize in itself. |
| my rabbit died yesterday........it was my fault. god, i loved her so much. i just wish i could take it back, i miss her. she was my favorite, and now she's gone. the finality of death strikes down like a hammer of justice, a gavel decreeing the irrevocable final sentence...everywhere i look i see the image of her as she was just two days ago. she is everywhere, but nowhere....she is gone from me. she is smoke and vapor fading away and i just held her two days ago, flesh and blood and warm and heavy. i loved her so much. i want her back, i want to say sorry, i want to pet her and let her know i love her. i wish i were God so i could grant her immortality. i saw her. after she died, i picked her up and looked at her, at her frozen eyes and sealed nostrils...yep, she was dead...i had to see for myself. i had to touch her one last time and say i'm sorry. I looked at her body, willing it to start breathing again, I thought I saw her eye blink, I thought I saw her coming back to life. but i couldn't save her, i wasn't there when she needed me, I could have saved her had she been home with me instead of in a cold steel cage shivering and alone...she just gave up, she checked out, abandoned in a strange place with cold doctor's hands touching her body. Oh God I'm so sorry, i wish i could have been there, i wish it had never happened. i loved her so much. |
| I’ll give you a little background on who I am right now at this precise point in time, that way you can decide for yourself my qualification (or lack thereof) for espousing on such subjects as Life, Love, and the great hereafter… I make no claims of superiority; I have no credentials to back my theories and opinions, pretty much the only factor working in my favor here to give some semblance of credence is that I am Human, and these are my human (and inherently biased) views on the world. So, here I am: young, relatively attractive, reasonably intelligent….I’m someone with seemingly endless possibility stretching before me, the world at my doorstep, and yet I’m wasting away, hiding from society and miserable. I’ve heard of a new phenomenon called the ‘quarter-life crisis’, perhaps that’s what I am suffering from. It’s like the reverse of that McDonald’s commercial, the one where people order the coffee, drink it and ‘wake up’ to their life, realizing who they are and what they have….”wake up and smell your life” or some motto like that. Well, I must have had some powerful brew, because I have woken up and smelled my life and it stinks. I almost wish I could go back to the blinded edition, where I just woke up, went to work, and was moderately content to repeat the pattern day-in and day-out. |
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