Stupid

Stupid
By Slinker

Adam Spencer woke up that morning, like he did every morning…
He swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and slipped his feet into the carefully placed red tartan slippers on the floor, like he did every morning…
He stood up, yawned, stretched and peered blearily around his room, like he did every morning…
Then Adam stumbled over to his bedroom window and wrenched open the curtains to come face to face with yet another soggy, cold and rainy British day. He looked out over his miraculous garden and at his beautiful Yellow Roses, which stood out tremendously against everything else outside in the cold, damp world.
This morning was going to turn out like every other morning of Adam’s life…it was just going to be normal.
Everything about Adam was normal, down to the last Perfect strand of dark red hair above his perfection-obsessed brain. He was tall, single, lonely and since yesterday afternoon, utterly jobless. He had lost his job because he had been doodling pictures of Dolphins instead of typing up some files like he had been asked to do. Adam liked doodling a lot. Having lost his job the day before, Adam wasn’t exactly in the best frames of mind that morning.
He hated his life. Nothing interesting ever happened to him and he loathed being normal. When he was a small boy with a head full of imagination and fantasy, he had dreamed of being something important or special when he was all grown up. But now Adam was all grown up, and he wasn’t either of those two things. As Adam had tried to get to sleep the night before, he reflected on his life and at about 2:00 am, he had worked out that the whole thirty-six years of his life had, in fact, been completely pointless. He had worked out that he was so normal, it was almost abnormal.
Adam sat down on his bed, remembering his dismal realization from the night before, and wondered what he should do next. He could just sit there and sulk. He could forget he was pointless and get on with his uneventful life as usual. He could go out and get another job and try to actually make something of his life. He could go mad. “Or…” he said to his fish, “I could read ‘Stupid’. I could do with a good laugh.” He had heard about this book on the T.V. It was turning out to be quite well known, mainly because everyone who had read it could only say one thing about it.
’It’s Stupid’.
They never explained why, they just said it was stupid. Reviewers said it had the most random and irrelevant ending they had ever read in a book. So of course the people who hadn’t read it wanted to know what was so stupid, and they read it for themselves.
So Adam picked up the big red book with the simple block, white typed title ‘Stupid’ with the 4 pictures in all 4 of the corners on the front cover. The 4 pictures were of two pretty little yellow rose petals in the top right hand corner, a picture of toothpaste in the top left hand corner, a little picture of a yellow lorry in the bottom right hand corner and a pair of lime green shorts in the bottom left hand corner. He sat back against his pillow, (ignored the four miniscule random pictures on the cover because they didn’t seem to have any meaning) and got ready for a promisingly stupid read. Adam, being a perfectionist, would usually read a whole book from start to end and he would never read the ending first. However, as he picked up this big red book, for the first time in his life he didn’t even feel compelled to read the first page. All he wanted to do was flick to the end and read the last section.
”The last line won’t give anything away,” he thought to himself, and he opened the book at the very last page. Adam looked down at the last 12 words of the page, which made up the last line of the book and read. He read it again, and again, and again. He read it one more time in confusion before slamming the book shut. He looked up at the ceiling, trying to process what he had just read into his perfection-obsessed brain. He was angry. He was annoyed. He felt like shouting, but all he did was look at his fish (who was opening and shutting its little mouth with the words “feed me” written all over its golden face) and said, quite calmly, “That…was stupid.”

”This is stupid!” Alex Marsh thought to herself as she drove down a road called Indigo Lane. She had one hand on the wheel, and one hand rummaging through all the files, books, bags and papers in the passenger seat foot well. She was rummaging through all the files; books, bags and papers in the passenger seat foot well because she had lost the directions her boss had given her. They were directions to a house where there was a new customer for her to visit. Alex was a Dental sales rep who had to drive around to Dental Surgeries and try her hardest to sell toothpaste, toothbrushes and a new and improved dental floss called ‘Eden Clean’, for a living. She was intelligent enough but couldn’t really stay in a job for a very long period of time. This was mainly because she was incredibly disorganised and she was also slightly clumsy. She was small, single, and pretty but very lonely so she used her many occupations To meet new people and make new friends. When Alex wasn’t working, she was thinking, usually about very complex things, like the meaning of life or trying to work out where the Universe might end. However, last night instead of thinking about life, Alex had sat down to read a big red book that her sister had loaned her on Saturday called ‘Stupid’. She hadn’t read much of it because she was one of those people who like to just dip in and out at different parts of the story. She had only read the first page, which was describing the life of the main character. The guy it was talking about seemed like a bit of a loser, but non-the less it didn’t seem to be as bad as people on T.V were saying it was. It certainly didn’t seem to be stupid, like her sister had said it was.
But right now, all Alex’s focus was on half driving the car and half searching for the damned directions.
”Aha!” she shouted as she wrenched a crumpled piece of paper out from underneath a bag full of toothpaste. She held the directions at arms length and began to try and figure out how far she was from the customer’s house. Unfortunately, she forgot that she was still driving the car and forgot to look at the road, resulting in her not being aware of the huge yellow lorry that was moments away from smashing headfirst into her company car.

Adam stomped downstairs, feeling thoroughly unsatisfied. “What sort of ending was that!?” he practically shouted at the big Red book in his hands. He had never read anything so annoyingly stupid in his whole life. It made absolutely no sense.
”No wonder its title is ‘Stupid’”
He sat down at the kitchen table, picked up an apple for his breakfast (like he did every morning), and thought about the last line of the book. There was a strange looking old man who had told three people a series of stupidly random words in a high-pitched but slow, raspy voice. The words just didn’t have any meaning to them at all!
“What the hell is he supposed to mean by ‘Yellow obese universe, are roses eat—‘“ Adam was suddenly cut off from his ranting by an enormous BEEEP and then a heart-stopping screech of wheels skidding across the road out side his house. “Good grief…” he said to himself as he leapt up of his seat and ran into the other room. He skidded to a halt in horror and gaped through his window at the huge upturned Yellow Lorry that had settled on its side in Adams once beautiful yellow rose bed after skidding off the road. He tore across the lounge in his red tartan slippers and ran outside to see a car sitting on the wrong side of the road. By the look of the skid marks in front of the car, the big yellow lorry had swerved out of the way just in time to avoid a nasty collision. Adam saw a man climb out of the grounded lorry and heave himself bang on top of the only rose bush that was left intact. Usually Adam would go and shout at the lorry driver for ruining four solid years of consistent watering and weeding, but decided instead to go and see if the company car driver wasn’t hurt. He ran over to the car, peered in through the driver’s window and saw a young woman who was staring unblinkingly ahead. She looked absolutely petrified.
”Umm…Are you alright?”

”Umm…are you alright?” a voice asked from outside of the car.
Alex snapped out of her temporary stupor, looked up at the man standing outside her car window and nodded. She couldn’t believe she was still alive. For a fleeting moment she had thought it was all over. She thought she was dead. She thought the last thing she would ever see would be the front of a huge yellow lorry smacking into the front of her car. She was only half aware of the big man standing on (what used to be) a stunningly yellow rose bush, shouting rude and foul names in her direction. Alex opened her car door and staggered out of her car, trembling all over.
”What’s your name?” the tall man asked her, glancing into the car.
”Alex…”

The startled woman seemed to snap out of her shock at the sound of Adams voice. She turned her head slowly to look at Adam, and then she nodded. Adam sighed a breath of relief and looked back at the lorry driver who was still standing on the rose bush and swearing at the woman in the car.
”Stupid sod! Almost got me killed!! Bloody hell! That was close, you stupid moron!” the lorry driver bellowed at the company car, shaking his fist.
Adam looked back at the woman who seemed completely oblivious to the fact that she was being called nearly every unpleasant name under the sun. She opened her door and stepped shakily out of the messy car that (Adam instantly noticed) was littered with banana skins, half Eaten apples and covered in coffee that the woman had obviously been drinking before the crash.
”What’s your name?” Adam asked her whilst looking over the tip inside the car.
”Alex…” she whispered distantly. She was looking at the huge lorry that could have been the death of her a few moments before.
”What happened? Why are you on the wrong side of the road?” Adam asked the woman.
”I wasn’t l-looking where I was going…it was an accident, I d-didn’t mean for there to be a crash!” she stuttered in reply looking over at the big man on the other side of the road standing amid a mess of books and rose petals. Adam also looked at the Lorry driver.
”Shall we go and see if he is ok?” he asked her and she nodded. They both crossed the road and walked towards the Obese and sweaty lorry driver.

”LOOK!” the man spat pointing at the floor, “All of the books have fallen out!”
Alex looked down at the books covering the floor and then up at the eight foot hole in the side of the lorry.
”Oh…oh I’m so sorry sir, I wasn’t looking where I was g—“
”OH! That’s all right then. You just didn’t look where you were going, eh!?” he Hollered in her face. “Well your apologies wont fix my lorry!”
Alex stared up at the man with a mixture of astonishment and anger. She knew he had a right to be angry with her, but she didn’t think the shouting was necessary.
“I’ve said sorry and my insurance will pay for the damages, so stop shouting,” she said in a would be calm voice, except that the way her hands were clenched and shaking in anger gave away the fact that she was Simply furious.
The lorry driver looked equally as angry as Alex felt. He was a very ugly man, in Alex’s opinion, wearing a greasy orange shirt and oil-stained jeans, which looked like they hadn’t been washed in months. Alex knew he probably wasn’t the best of people to pick a fight with but she knew that if he kept shouting at her like this she would give him a piece of her mind.
The man who checked if Alex was alright stepped in between them both, obviously aware that Alex was extremely Upset and inches away from giving this greasy sod a good slap, regardless of the fact that he was nearly twice the size of her.

”Hey lets just calm down a bit here,” said Adam stepping in between the two drivers who were giving each other a pair of the most evil glares he had ever seen in his life. “Lets just relax a bit, shall we?”
”Relax!? You want me to relax? Look at my lorry! It’s got a dirty great big hole in it!” shouted the lorry driver waving a colossal arm at his truck.
”Hey, I said it would be paid for!” Alex hissed back at him in fury.
”Well you have better have a bloody good insurance company. They had better cover the cost for all these books as well!” Ranted the lorry driver. He was stepping closer to Alex in anger with every word. Adam hated conflict, and seeing these two people rant at each other made him start to feel angry himself. He looked from Alex to the Lorry Driver, who were both standing about a foot away from each other, they both looked murderous.
”Look!” Adam shouted at them both “Just calm down, OK? Alex has said it will be cleared up by the insurance company, and I’m sure they will pay for the damaged books as well.” Adam crouched down and picked up one of the many undamaged books that were scattered everywhere over the flowerbed. “Look, most of them are as good as n—“ he stopped as he looked at the big red book in his hands.
”Hey isn’t that ‘Stupid’?” asked Alex looking at the book in Adams hand.
”Yeah. I have a whole lorry full of them…at least, I had a whole lorry full of them anyway,” said the lorry driver sending another glair to Alex who returned it with a nasty scowl.
Adam looked at the front of the book and noticed the little pictures in each corner of the cover. He looked at the little picture of the yellow lorry and noticed it looked exactly like the one that was now laying on top his rose bed. He smiled weakly, “That’s a coincidence,” he muttered to himself. Obviously neither Alex or the lorry driver had heard him because they were wordlessly scowling at each other again.
”I’m reading this one, I read the ending this morning.” said Adam trying to distract the other two from another squabble.
”Yeah I have a copy in my car as well, I’ve only read the first page though,” replied Alex, finally looking away from the lorry driver and also picking up a book from the floor, “goes on about this bloke who has a boring and pointless life and--”
”I don’t usually read books,” the lorry driver rudely cut in, “I’m only reading this one because my wife says its got a guy who drives a yellow lorry with the same name as me in it” said the Lorry driver who, like Alex and Adam, picked up one of the big red books off the rose bed.
“You have a wife?” mumbled Alex, looking slightly disturbed.
”What’s your name then?” asked Adam loudly, looking at the greasy man and trying to keep a civilised conversation flowing. Adam noticed a slight hesitation before the lorry driver said ”Stan Bracegirdle”. Alex snorted, but stopped quickly at the murderous look on Stan’s face. Stan glared at Adam, daring him to laugh. Adam and Alex both exchanged amused looks and glanced at Stan with determinedly straight faces.
“Bracegirdle, eh?” said Alex trying not to laugh, “Never heard of that one before…” she said casually. Adam could tell Stan was touchy about his unusual surname because his face was steadily turning an angry shade of puce. Stan glared at Alex and Alex glared right back at Stan showing no signs of fear or hesitation.
“Well, my names Adam,” he said loudly before anyone could start shouting again. Stan looked at Adam and sneered, “That’s nice.” He looked down, smirked at Adams tartan slippers and said sarcastically, “Those are nice slippers as well.” Adam was starting to dislike this ugly, greasy man as much as Alex did.
”The guy on the first page of this book was called Adam I think.” Alex pointed out ignoring Stan’s comment about the slippers.
”Really?” said Adam “I wouldn’t know, I just skipped to the back page.”
”Yes im sure of it. He was a man called Adam on the first page it was talking about how crappy his life was. He had yellow roses as well, ” she added glancing at the rosebush underneath Stan. “I wasn’t sure if it was worth reading because my sister said it was a stupid book. She said the ending was way too random.”
Adam was about to point out that he had thought exactly the same thing, however Stan managed once again to speak before Adam could say anything.
”I haven’t read the end or the start. I just read the bit with the guy who has the same name as me. That bit’s in the middle.” Said Stan offhandedly, “But Im sure there was a woman called Alex in It.”
Alex looked at Stan “What? Someone with my name in there as well?”
”Yeah, She was disorganised and clumsy I think,” he said with another amused smirk. Alex shuffled her feet for a moment, “Well im not clumsy or disorganised…” she reassured herself out loud. Adam decided not to mention the state of Alex’s company car…
Alex looked down at the picture of the yellow rose petals on the front cover and then glanced at the crushed yellow rose petals scattered over the floor among the books, “Well that’s strange isn’t it. There are 3 people in it with the same names as us. What a coincidence!”
”You think that’s strange?” Adam laughed flicking to the back page of the book like he had only an hour ago, “You wait ‘till you’ve seen the ending. It’s the most random piece of crap I’ve ever read.” He scanned the last line again and shook his head in shame. “It’s just so stupid.”
Alex and Stan, intrigued, also turned to the back and read the last line of the last page.
There was a long dragging silence in which they both tried to understand what they had just read. Stan looked up at Adam, “bloody hell…” he said distractedly.
”That’s just…” Alex paused thinking of the right word “Stupid.” She said finally with a look of annoyance lingering about her face.
Stan was reading it again looking slightly disturbed, “That just doesn’t make any sense. Its so Stupid!”
Adam looked back a few lines and read the description of the character and thought that description was also was too stupid to be true. ”What are the odds of that happening to anyone though…” he said angrily “Its way too improba—“

Adam was cut off by a strange tapping noise. They all looked around to discover an extraordinarily bizarre figure hobbling across the road towards them. They all gaped at the man, who looked about seventy years old. He had a black patch over his eye, a peg leg (which was causing the tapping noise) and bright purple whisks of hair. He wore a bright orange and black spotted anorak with a pair of lime green shorts. Adam couldn’t believe what he was looking at. It was too stupid to be true! The disturbingly stupid looking man stopped hobbling and stood in-between Alex and Adam, directly opposite Stan, looked at each of them in turn, held an umbrella that stank of mould into the air and said a series of stupidly random words in a high-pitched but slow, raspy voice:

”Yellow
Obese
Universe

Are
Roses
Eaten

Simply
To
Upset
Perfect
Indigo
Dolphins?”