Marriage

         My older sister came to my house with her boyfriend yesterday to tell my family they were engaged. They’ve been dating for almost a year and a half, so we’ve been expecting this for a while. I told my friend Theresa in between woodshop and calculus.
         “Oh, really?” She said. “Tell her I wish her more luck with her marriages then I’ve had with mine. I mean, seriously, I think I just attract the wrong sort of men. Remember Benny, in kindergarten? Well, that was my first mistake. I mean, he seemed so generous, always sharing his cheerios during snack time. But then there was that blanky. I think he had attachment issues. Its just too bad I didn’t see it before it was too late. But I just knew he was the one when we played house, and we were the parents. He was so kind to the children. Remember Kate, the girl with the freckles and horrible teeth? I think she might be one of those always the bridesmaid, never the bride type of things, but I let her preside over our ceremony out on the soccer field. She was quite smart and gave a nice little speech, and then the exchanging of the ring-pops from the vending machine outside the gym, and all in all it was quite picturesque. He never did keep the promises we made to each other. He was rather an absent type of father figure, caring more about that stupid blue blanky than our commitments to each other. I even caught him hiding in the janitor’s closet when he promised to meet me on by the swings for recess. I finally told him it was off.”
         “I doubt Chris will have attachment issues with a blanky,” I said.
         “Oh, men have many weaknesses.” She said solemly. “Don’t forget about Ricky, my first grade relationship. He had the opposite problem. I couldn’t trust him, because he was always looking at other girls, especially Jane Farnsworth. Remember her? The one with the Cinderella backpack? Well, when saw him looking her way I made a move fast and snatched him up. Kate performed the ceremony again, this time in the lunch room, because, as every woman know, the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. While I was with him I always made sure my mom put extra cookies in my lunchbox so I would have something to share. He was always grateful for my cookies, but he never so much as offered me a bite of his lunch. And the worst of it was, I still caught him staring at that Jane. I finally realized he was just using me. When I told him it was over, the only thing he said was, ‘Can you still bring me cookies?’ I slapped him a good one for that. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, and then the next day at recess I saw him pushing Jane on the tireswing! Like our relationship had been some kind of joke.”
         “I don’t think Chris is using my sister to get cookies.” I said.
         “I thought guys grew out of bad habits too, but then there was Ted in 4th grade. I took 2nd and 3rd grade as a break and I thought guys would have matured when I was with Ted, but I was wrong. He was almost worse then the others. That time Kate performed the ceremony on the playground, as a kind of romantic setting. I worked so hard to please him. I curled my hair, put ribbons in it, and even started wearing mascara. But I couldn’t ever seem to make him happy. He just wouldn’t focus enough on our relationship. All he cared about was his stupid Little League baseball team. He spent more time looking at his baseball card collection then he did at me. At first I though he cared about me, but then he started spending more time with his teammates and cards and I realized his feelings had changed about me. When I broke things off with him I gave him a picture of me as a memento, since he liked pictures more then real people. I wonder if he still has it.”
         “Thanks for the advice,” I said.
         “No problem,” said Theresa. “I have had so much experience with guys, I know how to handle them. They just don’t take relationships as seriously as they used to.”