the blue line

She woke up scared to death, he was going to be there in thirty minutes and within the hour their whole lives were going to change.  She never thought that a little blue line would make that much difference in her life until now.  She got out of bed and started to get ready to go.  The dorm room was quiet; her roommate had already left for class.  Alone with her thoughts was not what she was hopping for.  She had been trying to convince herself for weeks that she just had the flu that was it, it’s just the flu.  But as everyone else got over their flu symptoms hers never went away and she knew the truth.  She knew before that morning would tell her anything.  She looked at the clock and realized that she was late; he must be down there waiting for her. 

She headed out the door and down the stairs; her knees kept trying to go weak on her.  She knew she could handle the news but she was scared of everyone else’s reactions.  She loved him more than she ever thought she could love anyone and if he ran she wouldn’t stop him but she wasn’t sure she would ever get over him.  She wasn’t sure she could go through this without him, without his support.  She pushed that thought out of her head; it was too hard to think about.  Her mother, her best friend, was going to kill her.  She didn’t care about her step dad’s feelings but her mom was everything.  How was she going to explain being so damn stupid to her mother?  This wasn’t something she could hide, like other mistakes she had made.  She reached the double doors and saw his little white car.  As the cool fall air hit her face she felt a little refreshed.  Then she saw his smile, as he got out to open the door for her.  All her fears were gone momentarily anyway.  After she sat in the car, before he closed the door, he leaned in and kissed her softly on the cheek.  He always had a sweet nature about him when she needed it most.  She wasn’t feeling well this particular morning and she wasn’t sure if it was nerves or the truth screaming to be recognized.

It wasn’t that long of a ride but it seemed like they had been in the car for hours.  The radio was on but turned down very low and you could barely hear the smashing pumpkins cd as it complimented the mellow tone in the car.  He rested his hand on her leg that was shaking as they approached a lot with a skeleton of a house being built and an RV in the corner.  His parents where gone to work and it was quiet.  Snow had fallen lightly on the ground and gave everything a slight dusting of white.  Any other morning and it would have been a perfect day.  A day to go inside and cuddle up to stay warm and watch TV.  But not this day, this day was different, cold and sterile.

They entered the little RV and he found his hidden stash, a small plastic bag from a local pharmacy containing one pregnancy test.  The nerves were building up inside her and she started to feel really nauseous as she took the box out of the bag and began to read the instructions.  As she entered that bathroom by herself her eyes began to sting with tears, as the fear welled up inside her.  She was praying to a god she wasn’t sure existed and hoping for a miracle.  You never imagine being in a situation where peeing on a stick could change your life until it happens, and then you can’t’ even go.  Finally she emerged from the bathroom and went straight into his arms.  Now was the waiting game, only five minutes but when you are dreading the answer to the question five minutes is an eternity.  This is never how she imagined this day.  She dreamed of a nice house and an excited husband and smiles and laughter and hugs and kisses, and phone calls to parents with news of a new life.  Never did she imagine a little RV, a feeling of fear, dread, and sadness, on a dreary fall day. 

“Its time” was all he said as he nudged her toward the bathroom and the stick that held their future.  Her legs would barely move, they had turned into stone pillars and would not budge.  All she wanted to do was go back in time and take back the things that lead up to this moment.  She picked up the stick and saw no line and thought to herself “oh thank god, thank you god.”  Then she realized that the stick was upside down and when she flipped it over there was a giant blue strip across the results bar.  Yes, while in her heart she had known for a week or two her mind could now process that she was pregnant.  Eighteen years old, in college, not married and now pregnant.  Her hands trembled and warm tears were falling down her face as she ingested the news of a life changed forever.  What was she going to do, how was he going to deal with this, what about there families, should they get married, should she drop out of school, will life ever be easy again?  All questions that she was dying to have the answers to but knew that those answers would take time.  First she had to tell him that he was going to be a father.

She turned around and her eyes told him everything her voice could not say.  He pulled her close as she broke down.  He was stroking her back as he told her “everything will be fine and it will all work out and we have options.”  But as his words were solid and strong she could feel his tears drip down on her shoulder and feel his body slightly shaking.  She knew exactly what he was feeling, but was not strong enough to pull herself together to comfort him as well.  They stood there silent and close for a while, both mourning the loss of youth and looking straight down the barrel of adulthood and responsibility.  In her head she was going through all the options and what that would mean to her, her body, her life, her relationship, and her family.  They were going to be parents or were they.  A single trip and no one would ever have to know that any of this happened; again she pushed the thought out of her mind.  She knew there was gonna be a baby no matter what because in her heart abortion was not an option.  She could never bring herself to end a life before it ever started.  This was her mistake and this child wasn’t gonna pay the ultimate price for her.  He pulled away from her and said “we need to go; I have to get to school.”  They moved apart and put everything back the way it was so that nobody knew that they had been there.  Nobody could tell that in that little RV their lives had changed forever.  No body spoke as he drove her back to the dorm, which left her alone in her head.  As they pulled up to the parking lot she broke the silence.  “I know you aren’t ready for this, and I understand if you wanna leave.  I will never hold it against you.”  With those words she broke again and lost her voice.  Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her face felt hot.  She couldn’t bear to hear his voice, the words she was so scared he might say.  He went to speak but she interrupted him.  “Please don’t say anything now, take the day to think things over and we will talk tonight.”  She opened the door to exit the tiny little car and he grabbed her arm.  “I love you”  Was all he said as tears streaked down his cheeks.  She got out and closed the door and watched him pull away.  She wondered if that would be the last time he ever said those words to her.  She worried that she would never see his face again.  But she resolved that no matter what happened she would be fine.  She would do the right thing and make something out of this now screwed up life.