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What a dilema to have to kill your future brother-in-law. |
(After Collin’s bachelor party, Graham sits in Collin’s apartment in a suit. Beer bottles and plates are scattered around the floor. Graham is only slightly tipsy; Collin is drunk and disheveled as he stumbles into the room, taps his fish tank that’s off to the left, and plops down next to Graham and slaps him a few times on the back.) Graham So you enjoyed yourself? Collin Yeah! That was…like a par-tay! Graham It was a party. Collin Exactly! (Graham chuckles, while Collin burst into laughter) Collin Why are you in a suit? Graham I always wear a suit. Collin But it’s a par-tay. At least take your jacket off. Graham …No. Collin My par-tay…you have to do what the host says. (Collin moves for Graham and tries to take off his jacket.) Graham (Annoyed, backs away) Would you just— (Graham easily pushes him away. Collin stumbles and then throws his hands in the air in defeat. Colin slumps on the couch and takes a mental break. Graham scowls and reaches underneath the back of his jacket.) Collin Coulda used a stripper… Graham (Drops hand from jacket) What for? Collin To bake us a pie—what do you think for? It’s a bachelor par-tay! Graham Stop saying par-tay. Collin I’m just saying…it’s a tradition. Graham Yeah, well, no…my sister would kill you… Collin I can handle her. Graham No you can’t. Collin No I can’t. (Pause) Do you think she’s ever shot anyone? Graham …Who? Collin Kara. Graham Why? Collin (Sits down in a chair next to his fish tank. Watches the fish) I just mean—you know—because of the whole…That’s what your family does. Graham (Quietly and solemn)…oh, so you do know… Collin Know what?? Graham (Quickly) Nothing. (Reaches into the back of his jacket again and pulls out a gun.) Collin Gah! (Collin turns to Graham; Graham is startled and quickly hides the gun behind his back) Collin I’m just nervous! Graham That Kara will shoot you…? Collin Noooo… (He chuckles then stops as if seriously thinking it over) No. I just—what if I’m bad at it? Graham You probably will be. Collin (Sarcastically) No, Collin, it’ll be fine; you and Kara deserve each other… (Pause, Graham stops to look at him) You’re supposed to say that (pause) Come on, at least say we’re good together. Graham You’re not. (A long pause while Graham stays serious, staring at Collin, while Collin looks around nervously; suddenly Graham laughs.) Graham I’m just kidding; you should have seen your face. Collin (Stifled laugh) Yeah…funny, you had me worried for a minute there… Graham (Turns his back to Collin and looks down at gun) No, you guys are actually...I don’t know…I wish I had that. Collin Wha...? Graham (Taking a deep breath) You’re good together. You’re actually a decent guy. But that doesn’t matter. Collin Because your dad hates me? (Graham is silent. Graham hesitantly points the gun at Collin’s head while Collin is looking at fish tank. Collin notices something) Collin Awww, no! Ernie is dead. Graham (Shocked, puts gun away) Someone killed Ernie!? …wait, who’s Ernie? Collin My fish! Graham (Relief, then annoyance) Oh… Collin Or maybe it’s Susan…I can’t tell which one is which. (Collin sighs as he tries to scoop out the fish with his hand.) Graham Stop it…here… (He gets a soup bowl and helps Colin put the fish in the bowl) Collin (Stares down at fish) What would you do if you knew it was your last day? Graham Huh? What’re you talking about? Collin What if you just knew that you’d keel over the next morning?…Like Tom. Graham (Panicked) ….I do not recall a Tom… Collin No, my fish. I think this one was Tom… Graham Oh, never mind, then…. (Pause. Graham takes off jacket and holds the gun under his jacket) I guess I’d spend all day making a huge dinner and then sit in peace and quiet and eat all of it. Collin Eh?? Why don’t you just do that now? Graham (Shrugs) Too busy. Family business. Collin (Nervous chuckle) Graham What about you? Collin Ha ha! …err, I mean I’d…I don’t know. I guess I’d spend the day with Kara. (A long pause; Collin looks up at Graham.) Where’d your jacket go? Graham I’m holding it. Did you just say that stuff about my sister because I’m here. Collin What?? Graham You know, trying to make yourself look better. Collin You sound like your dad. Graham I’m taking that as a compliment. My dad’s a great man. Collin Yeah…a great threatening man. No one can piss him off and live to tell about it. Graham Then don’t piss him off. Collin (Very quietly) too late… Collin Has your dad ever shot a friend? Graham Yes. Colin (Worried)…Hey, you ever shoot a friend? Graham No… (Quick pause) Not Yet Collin Graham, do you consider me a friend? Graham Yes, unfortunately… Collin And you think I’m good for your sister, right? Graham You could have been. (Pause) Hey Collin? Collin Yeah? Graham This is just business…sorry, but… (Graham brings out his gun.) It’s your last day. |