Daddy's Girl - Chapter 4

August 19, 1997

It’s been a tough day and I’m exhausted. I went to see him today. It was difficult, seeing him there helpless and unable to talk. My mind is turning, too fast for me to keep up with, and I keep going back to days I can’t change. I hate it. I hate thinking about it, yet I’m drawn to it. I’m drawn to remember. I can’t count the times I wish I could wake up with partial amnesia, unable to remember the garbage. Yeah, yeah, I know. What would I be today if I forgot? Oh who knows, who cares. It’s not like it’s actually going to happen, is it? Nah, I’ve never been quite that lucky. I know, be careful what you wish for. Whatever.

Good Lord, I’m a selfish, selfish woman I think. I sat there today when Sandy was in the room and found myself wanting to yell at her to get away from my dad. I wanted to tell her to leave him the hell alone, she was never around when he really needed someone to give him that extra love and attention, was she? Maybe she was, I don’t know. I only know it seems rather odd that all of a sudden she has this tenderness towards him when I remember the days he’d tell me he hadn’t heard from her or his brother. His brother, damnation, let’s not go there. I shudder when I think of him. Too late, I’m there already, aren’t I? That little bastard, he better not come to the hospital, I’m libel to smack him right where he’ll feel it the most. If there’s one person in the world I’m given to hate, it’s him. Slimy little bastard. I wish I’d have never met that person, he’s evil. More evil than my dad ever was, that’s for sure. I wonder where he is and why he isn’t showing his weasel face at the hospital? Probably wouldn’t knowing I’m there. I wonder if he ever told his wife what a prick he is? Probably not, he wouldn’t have the balls.

Anyway, enough about him, I’ll deal with that road when I come to it. I have enough to think about right now, don’t I? Back to dad. I’m tellin’ you, I feel almost like a little girl again. Oh, no…none of that crap, but you know, wanting to take care of him, wanting him to feel better. What the hell is it about me? Why is it I feel the need to make HIM feel better? Well, cause he’s lying in a hospital bed, fighting for his life I guess. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about this. He’s going to die. Yep. I have no say in the matter either. How in the world will I deal with that? How? I’m so scared. Really, I’m scared. I never thought about this before the last few days. Him dying I mean. Am I going to fall apart? Nah, not me, I’m too tough. I’ll do what I always do I imagine. Hold my head up, smile when I need to, cry when I can. I’ll find a way through that like I’ve found a way through everything else in my life.

I tell you what, I wish my husband was home. I need him. Well, I need someone to talk to is what I need. I guess he wouldn’t be the one, would he? I couldn’t talk to anyone actually, I can’t. I don’t want pity, nor do I want any pretend empathy either. I guess part of me thinks I’m just feeling sorry for myself again. Sheesh. I’m a grown woman, time to get over it, huh? Oh, I try and try, but it always seems to sneak up and grab me.

Well, I suppose, I better make some phone calls. I promised I’d call the others, I better hop to it before it’s too late. Maybe I’ll write more later...

Cheryl put down her journal and stared at the phone. “Damn, I don’t want to call them.” She decided to call Bob first. Knowing that dad had kept in minimal contact with him throughout the years, he was the easiest and probably the most receptive person to call first.

After dialing his number, she reached for a cigarette, waiting for him to answer. “Hello?” Bob answered.

“Bob? Hi, it’s me, Cheryl.”

“No way! What a shock, I haven’t heard from you in ages. How the heck are you?”

“I’ve been better, I’ve been worse. How are you?” Cheryl said smiling at the sound of his voice.

“Oh, I’m fine, working my tail off as usual. You’re lucky, this is my one night home a week.” Bob worked nights as a bartender and days in a factory.

“It’s good you get a night off once and awhile. Glad I caught you.” Cheryl wasn’t sure how to tell him about their dad.

“Okay, I know you didn’t call to chit-chat. What’s up?”

Cheryl was glad he asked the question, it gave her the opportunity to tell him. “Well, I have some bad news. Dad’s in the hospital.”

Bob didn’t reply for a couple seconds. “What’s wrong with him this time? Did he fall off the wagon again?”

“No, he didn’t. He had surgery for lung cancer yesterday. They had to take one of his lungs out. He had a stroke during surgery. He can’t talk and they’re having a difficult time getting him to move around. His left side is paralyzed.” Cheryl took a drag and put out her cigarette.

“What the hell? Why didn’t you call me before his surgery?” Bob demanded.

“He asked me not to. I’m sorry, I only did what he asked. He said he didn’t want to worry anyone. There’s more.” Cheryl knew Bob was angry at her for not telling him sooner.

“What?”

“The doctors say the cancer spread to his lymph nodes. He’s not going to live much longer, Bob. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you all this. I went to see him today. I’m going back down tomorrow morning.” Cheryl walked into the kitchen for a glass of water while she talked to him. “I guess I hoped he’d get better soon after the surgery and call you himself. I didn’t think about anything going wrong, you know?”

“You know Cheryl, if I would’ve known about this sooner, I could’ve planned to take a couple days off to be there. As it is, I can’t get away now, I just can’t. Damn it. You should’ve called me sooner, no matter what he wanted.”

“I’m sorry, I really am. In any case, is there anything you want me to tell him? Do you want the phone number or address to the hospital? You know, to send flowers or something?” Cheryl felt bad for not calling Bob. He was the oldest and deserved to know what was going on. “He’s in Memorial Hospital.”

“Okay, give me the number. Won’t do any good to call, he can’t talk, but I suppose I can send him some flowers or something tomorrow.”

Cheryl gave him the phone number and address before hanging up the phone. Every muscle in her body ached and she longed for a long hot bath. Lighting another cigarette, she called her sister. Her niece answered the phone and Cheryl asked to talk to her sister, Kathy.

“Hi, sis. Just me. Thought I’d better call you.”

“Hi Cheryl. What’s up?” Kathy was the youngest of the brood and Cheryl often thought she learned early to disconnect herself from the family drama.

“I just wanted to let you know that dad was in the hospital. He had surgery for lung cancer.” Cheryl waited for her reply.

“Oh, okay. How is he?” Kathy asked.

“Not good, he had a stroke during surgery and the cancer spread to his lymph nodes. I don’t know how long he’ll be around.” Cheryl knew her sister harbored many resentments towards their dad for leaving and not being around.

“Oh, well fine, thanks for letting me know. I hope you know I won’t be going down to see him though. It’s not like he’s been there for me, I’m not going out of my way for him.” Kathy gave the reply Cheryl anticipated.

“I don’t expect you to do anything. I just wanted to let you know what was happening, that’s all. What you do with the information is up to you.” Cheryl found herself resenting Kathy’s cold demeanor towards their dad but kept it to herself.

“Thanks for letting me know then. Anything else I need to know?”

“Nope, that’s pretty much it. I’ll be going to the hospital a lot for a few days I imagine.” Cheryl didn’t know why she told Kathy her plans, she knew she wouldn’t approve.

“Geez, Cheryl. I don’t get you. It’s your life though, do what you want. Are you calling mom? I think she should know, after all, they were married once you know.” Kathy always wanted to keep their mom informed although Cheryl didn't understand why at times.

“I know but I really don’t know if I should bother her with this. I don’t think she’d really care, do you?” Cheryl's stomach tensed up at the thought of having to tell her mom the news.

“Yes, she should know. Wouldn't you want to know if your ex-husband was sick and dying? You should call her Cheryl, you really should. She needs to know too, what if dad dies suddenly or something, how’s she going to feel if she didn’t even know he was sick?”

“Oh come on Kathy, like she would care if dad died. Fine, if you think she should know, I’ll call her. But I’m telling you, she isn’t going to care. She can’t stand him, she hates him!” Cheryl tried to convince Kathy she was right. “Why don’t you call her? I don’t know why I have to if you’re the one who thinks she should know.”

“No, I’m not calling. You care so much about him, you spread the news. I don’t care. Do what you want, you usually do.”

“I’ll think about it, okay?” Cheryl knew she’d call, she just didn’t want to.

“Okay, fine. At least consider it.”

“Well, I have to make a couple more calls. I’ll let you go. “ Frustrated with the conversation, Cheryl was anxious to end the call.

“Okay, call me again though, not just about dad, but to talk for awhile, okay?”

Cheryl took a drag, “I will, soon. I love ya, sis.”

Cheryl heard Kathy take a deep breath before she spoke. “I love you too. Take care of yourself, would you?”

“Always sis, always. Bye now”

Cheryl called her other two brothers and got similar responses from them regarding the news of their dad. She didn’t really blame them, they hadn’t had much contact with him since he and their mom split up. Dad would pop in every couple of years and it would inevitably lead to drunken arguments between him and their mother. She pondered more about calling her mom and figured she might as well get it over with. Cheryl knew what her reaction would be and wasn’t looking forward to talking to her about dad.

“Hello?”

“Mom? Hi, it’s me, Cheryl.” Cheryl reached for another cigarette.

“What a surprise. Hello! I haven’t talked to you in months now.” Her mom sounded happy to hear from her.

“No, I haven’t talked to you for quite awhile. How are you?” Cheryl took a drag and waited.

“Oh, I’m fine. Just fine. How are you?”

“I’m fine mom. Well, almost fine. Kathy thought I should call and tell you about dad, that’s if you want to hear.” Cheryl knew she’d want to hear.

“What about your dad?”

“He just had surgery for cancer, they removed a lung. He had a stroke during surgery. He can’t talk or move right now. His cancer spread, they don’t think he’ll have too long to live.” Cheryl blurt it all out at once, not worrying whether she broke it to her gently.

“Oh, that’s too bad. I would’ve thought he’d die from drinking. I suppose you’ve been spending time there then.”

Cheryl heard her mother’s voice take a different tone. “Yes mom, I went down there today. I felt like I should, I wanted to go. He needs to have family around right now.”

“He should of thought of that years ago. No matter, you do what you think is best. What else is new? How’s Sam?”

Cheryl shook her head in disbelief. “Sam is working as hard as ever. He’s enjoying his job, he loves driving.”

“Good for him. You two should come for dinner someday, we haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Yeah, it would be nice. I’ll talk to Sam, see what he says. It’s hard this time of year, he’s really busy with work. Maybe when it slows down some we can get over there for a visit, okay?” Cheryl didn’t bring her dad up again and found herself wishing she never called.

“Good, let me know. How are the kids?”

“The kids are fine, doing well in school. Getting bigger.” Cheryl tried to think of way to end the conversation. “Listen, mom? I have to get going, I have a couple calls to make yet and I need to get some things done here.”

“Okay, it was good to talk to you. Call me soon, let me know when you and Sam can come for dinner and some cards, okay?”

“Okay mom, I will. Bye now.”

After hanging up the phone, Cheryl sat back and thought about her mother and how difficult it was for her to talk to her sometimes. There were times when they could have a polite and casual conversation. She tried to let it go, it was so hard though. There were a lot of angry words said between her and her mother and it was hard for Cheryl to forget. Cheryl lit a cigarette and remembered another time.

*************************************************

Sitting on the couch, Cheryl heard the car pull up in the drive. Glancing at the clock, she was surprised they came home so early; it was only eight-thirty. Her brothers and sister were all in bed, she sent them at eight since tomorrow was a school day. She listened for the sound of the car door as it shut; it told her the mood of her mom before she walked in the door. She didn’t hear it shut, so Cheryl assumed her mom would be in a decent mood tonight. Her mom and step-dad went out “grocery shopping.” To Cheryl that meant they went to the bar first and if there was enough time left afterwards, they might stop and pick up some groceries. She listened as they walked in the door and didn’t hear any paper bags rustling, so she knew they didn’t get to the store after all.

“We’re home, Cheryl!” She heard her step-dad yell as he walked in the door.

“Hi dad. Hi mom.” Cheryl didn’t get off the couch; she knew they’d be in the living room shortly to see if anyone else was still up.

Her step-dad walked in the dining room with a slight stagger and a huge grin on his face. “Everything go okay while we were gone?”

“Sure dad, like always. The kids are in bed, we had supper and I did the dishes. I’m just watching TV and doing some homework.” Cheryl was reading “In Cold Blood” for her tenth grade English class.

“Good. Any leftovers from supper? We didn’t eat.” He was sitting down at the table, taking his boots off while he talked. She could hear a slight slur in his words.

Smiling, she told him what was left. “Yeah, there are some potatoes and a couple of the pork steaks left. They didn’t eat too much. Do you want me to warm some up for you guys?” Cheryl liked her step-father, he was always nice to her and hardly ever said a cross word to any of them.

“Barb,” he yelled to her mom, “you want some supper? Cheryl said there are leftovers. I’m hungry, how about you?”

“She doesn’t have to do it, I will.” Her mother yelled from the kitchen. Cheryl heard the refrigerator door open. “Cheryl, what did you put the leftovers in?”

“In the two containers on the bottom shelf, mom. They’re square I think, I don’t remember for sure.” Cheryl was glad her mom seemed in a good mood tonight. “Want me to come and find them for you?”

“Yeah, would you? I can’t make heads or tails out of all this crap in here. We need to clean this thing out, Cheryl.” Cheryl could hear her banging around containers trying to find the leftovers.

“Here, mom. Let me get ‘em, okay?” Cheryl recognized the two containers she’d put in there earlier and grabbed them for her mom. “That’s what was left after supper. They didn’t eat much, I don’t think they like those pork steaks.” She handed the containers to her mom and took a step back; she could smell the whiskey on her mother’s breath.

“I don’t care if they like ‘em or not. They’ll eat what I cook. You kids are way too fussy.” Barb was opening the first container and put the leftover mashed potatoes in a pan. “There’s not too many potatoes left, they must have been more hungry than you’re telling me, Cheryl.”

“Oh, they loved the potatoes, they always do. You know the boys, they love their mashed potatoes. I peeled a ton of them and they darn near ate them all.” Cheryl said smiling.

“Cheryl, before I left, I counted five pork steaks, there’s four in here. Didn’t you give them to the kids to eat?”

“Yeah, I cut them in half, they were so big, mom.” Cheryl glanced at her mom, worried about the sudden change in her tone of voice.

With an angry tone, her mother snapped, “No, you didn’t. These weren’t cut. You didn’t feed them the steaks, did you?”

“Yes I did! I cooked all of them. Those are what’s left. Ask them tomorrow if you want. I didn’t hide them or anything. Geez.” Cheryl immediately wished she would have kept the “geez” comment to herself.

“Don’t get smart with me, young lady,” her mother yelled. “I’m asking you one more time, did you feed the kids or not?”

“Yes, for the last time I’m telling you, I fed them. I cut the steaks in half, they were huge. You just can’t tell is all.” Cheryl was getting angry at the implied accusation and willed herself to keep quiet; she could feel an argument coming.

“Bullshit. You didn’t feed ‘em. You didn’t cook the steaks. What did you do, throw them away?”

“I should’ve known she wouldn’t stay happy, she never does when she drinks.” Cheryl thought to herself while she stood there, trying to stay quiet. Cheryl knew from experience how explosive her mother could be when she was drinking and tonight would be no exception. She knew there was nothing she could say without further angering her mom.

“I didn’t throw them away, I cooked them. All of them. I don’t know why you won’t believe me. Go ask them, wake ‘em up and ask if I cooked supper. They’ll tell you.” Cheryl couldn’t stay quiet; she felt the need to defend herself.

“I’m not waking them up. And by the way, why aren’t you in bed? You have school tomorrow too. You think you’re special or something you don’t have to go to bed?” Her mom was getting angrier by the second.

“Mom, it’s eight-thirty. I usually don’t go to bed until nine-thirty or ten. I was doing homework, reading for one of my classes.” Cheryl’s stomach was queasy and she felt a familiar knot in her throat. She knew it wouldn’t end soon, there would be yelling and screaming and there was no way to turn back.

“You were watching TV, not doing any damn homework. What time did you make them go to bed?” Her mother demanded to know.

“They went to bed at eight o’clock, like usual on a school night.”

“Sure, you probably sent them at seven or something, just so you could sit down here and smoke. Were you smoking? You know I forbid that.”

“No, I wasn’t smoking. I sent them at eight. Why don’t you ever believe anything I tell you?” Cheryl lied about the smoking. She smoked all the time when they were gone and knew they’d never catch her, being smokers themselves.

“Because you lie all the time and you’re sneaky as hell.” Her mother’s eyes flashed with anger as she spoke.

“What are you talking about now?” Cheryl wanted to disappear or get out of the kitchen and up to her bed. She was confused and worried she’d say something she shouldn’t.

“I heard you in there with your step-dad, you think I don’t know what you’re up to?” Her mother accused.

“What in the world are you talking about? I was just talking to him, that’s all. Geez.” Confused, she looked at her mom.

“Yeah, right. I know. I know all about you and your tricks. I know exactly what you’re up to and it won’t work.” Cheryl watched in fear as her mother yelled and stepped within arms reach of her.

“I don’t know what you’re yelling about. You’re drunk and I don’t think you even know what you’re talking about, mom.” Cheryl yelled back, knowing she was taking a risk. Her mother was too close and Cheryl braced herself for the slap she was certain would follow.

Looking straight at Cheryl, her mom lowered her voice. ”Cheryl, you’re a tramp. You know exactly what I’m talking about here, don’t you?” Cheryl felt tears welling up in her eyes as she listened in disbelief to her mom. “You, you stole my first husband and you’re not getting this one, little girl.”

Cheryl couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her mind was spinning, she stepped back from her mom, and tears began to spill down her cheeks as she realized the impact of what her mother just said. She stood there, staring at her mother, wanting to yell or scream, anything to break the silence of a moment that could never be taken back.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” Cheryl yelled. “You’re nuts! I can’t believe you’d say that to me. You knew, you knew all along. You never told me, you never did anything. But you knew.” Cheryl couldn’t stop herself. She decided she should go upstairs, take refuge in her room before she said anything else to make the situation worse than it already was. She ran from the kitchen, through the dining room where her step-father sat, not saying a word. She ran up the stairs, to her bedroom yelling, “You’re insane, you’re crazy! Crazy!”

“Come back here, damn it. I’m not done. Don’t you dare call me crazy. You think you’re so smart. I know the truth damn it, I know.”

Cheryl could hear her mom run up the stairs behind her and cursed herself for being so stupid to yell what she did. Her mother caught up with her at the top of the stairs. “I’ll teach you to talk to me like that, I’ll teach you.” Cheryl felt a hand pulling the hair on the back of her head and as her mom spun her around, all she could see was her mother’s angry face while the back of her hand came crashing down on her cheek.

*************************************************

Cheryl sat back, looking out the window from her chair while she brought herself back to the present. She looked at the clock and saw it was almost eleven and she remembered she wanted to be up by five in the morning. She shook her head as she got up to shut off the lights and get ready for bed. “Someday, someday I’ll forgive her for what she allowed me to go through, just not tonight.”