Sex and Intimacy

Sex and Intimacy: Part I- Overview

  What exactly is the nature of sex and intimacy? What is the role that it plays in intimate relationships? How does it define relationships? Why is sex so important?
    It is clear that sex is important- this country has an unhealthy obsession with it. The society of the United States is sex obsessed, but therein lies a contradiction. For all of the obsession, lies also a fear. As a whole, the majority of this puritan nation views sexuality as unnatural and/ or immoral. Sexuality is something that occurs only behind closed doors, only in the bedroom. It is not discussed, it is not acknowledged. Sex and sexuality, culturally speaking, is then over-hyped as compensation. Sex is taboo. That is the message that is understood in mainstream society.
  There is an undercurrent in society, it has been historically deemed the ‘sexual revolution’ that belongs to out parents age. However, with the passage of time, the undercurrent of true sexuality has grown stronger, as the popular tide of over-hyped sex has become the norm. Exploring personal sexuality, has through the ages been a type of rebellion, it is seen as ‘breaking the rules’ instead of a natural occurrence. This has happened because of the taboos the sexuality carries, and the over-hyped puritan response to that. People exaggerate what they don’t understand- and that has been what has happened to sexuality and sex in the media, in society. The United States is a technologically advanced country, the richest nation in the world, the “Land of Plenty”. However, in terms of its sexual cultural, and acceptance of this part of the natural cycle, the maturity level of the US is about the equivalent of a 14 year old boy. It is the “point and laugh” mentality that rules this nation. Sexual violence is rampant- as rampant as the ignorance that breeds it.
    In a sexual light, the US is not much further along that out Puritan founders- in some areas of the country, the Puritans are more liberal than the ruling Baptists. Despite the new “over the counter” status of Plan B, it is still locked out of reach. America, as a whole, is immature about sex.
    Despite the confusion, sex plays the role that it always has in people’s lives- what happens behind individual bedroom doors is another matter entirely. In many cases, sex is not only important, but revered, in personal, intimate relationships at all levels.
  Is sex nothing but a bas and violent compulsion to posses a person, another body? To completely dominate their body and their will, to take it as your own? Is sex a manifestation of the violent hunter/ prey relationship? Is sex an act of degrading violence or of respect for the other person?
    Sex is complicated- sex is, in fact, all of the above. Sex and violence are controlled by the same part of the brain. Sex and violence have many of the same characteristics- the physical rush that is both painful and pleasing, a physical need to ‘finish’ no matter the cost, and all of this occurring in almost a trance. Sex is a violent frenzy- it is animalistic and base. It is the fight and flight, the need for survival at the most primal level. It is the most basic level of existence in any mammal. For most mammals, sex is just that- survival and mating. It is the survival of the fittest- nobody knows if animals “feel” as copulation occurs. They are increasing their chances for survival- for a long time, in many cultures, and even still now, people married not for love, but for that reason- to ensure survival of their bloodline. This is natural selection at its finest.
  It is only the highest thinking form of the mammal- the humans, that mix the two very differing sensations, love and sex. Violence and sex. Domination and sex. Is respect a requirement for having sex with another? The rapists and child molesters, the sexually violent people of the world, say no. Their need is sheer domination. Is sex violent? S&M is a present undercurrent, at all levels, among the bankers and the teachers and the otherwise “respectable” individuals of the world. Violence and domination- there is no question that they play an important role in the sexual act, among both the animals of the world and the high-thinking humans.
    What defines romantic sex from the simple act of mating is love. Love is a complex emotion, to be sure. It plays a role in “making love”- romantic sex. For the act of sex to be one step above mating- love has to be present. The term “making love” implies an experience, so, what, exactly, defines this love, this experience?
  Sexual love, I think, is the love of sex with the other person- it is merely a physical attraction. “Merely” is not to be taken lightly though- this is above mating, because in sexual attraction, there is another level. What is that level? Raw and unmitigated passion, a yearning, a longing almost, an instinct. This type of love is a passionate love- a love beyond all others, it is a consuming obsession. It is, above all else, the burning need to feel love- and it is a short lived love.
  Friendship and sexual love is, I believe, the next highest form of sexual and intimate love. This type of love is a combination of physical wanting, attraction, and the affection of friendship. “The affection of friendship” is an intimacy of many levels. It is, I think, one of the deepest forms of intimacy. True friendship is the result of a deep trust between two individuals. Sexual love can be a natural progression of this love between two friends. The highest form of love, of true affection and trust, is an ingredient in friendship- this can easily, and quite naturally, progress to a meaningful, affectionate sexual relationship. Naturally, then, sex plays an important role in the relationship between intimate friends, because it is an expression of that trust. When does the affectionate love of friendship progress to the romantic love of intimate relationships? When does friendship become more? What exactly defines intimate love? Can both exist at the same time?
    True love is defined first by friendship. This friendship can be expressed by a sexual relationship- what is the difference, then? The difference lies in the intention. In true intimacy, mutual exclusivity, there is not only affection and trust, they are both there, to be sure, but there is another ingredient. Friends are lovers and lovers are friends, at the highest level it is a deep affection, a love, and an attraction. The attraction is a physical one, but it is also an attraction to be one with the loved. At the base level it is a sexual attraction, to be connected- a deep desire to be the same at the beloved. That is expressed in the sexual act- the intention of that sexual act though, is the complete giving of oneself, the giving of ones life and self to the other. To be the same- physically and mentally. In the ultimate outgrowth of friendship, intimacy and love- the act of ‘making love’ is just that. It is give and take- it is a complete adoration of the loved individual. It is physically giving all that you can give because the intention is to give everything that you can give to the other individual. To give it all- is to lose oneself completely in the other. In ultimate physical ecstasy, in the sexual act, and in the intention of loving the other, and showing that love. Physical sex, in the romantic, intimate relationship is most important, because it is the symbolic and physical giving of oneself to the other person.
  Intimacy and sex- they are the same, on three levels. It is on these three levels that human relations are based.