Guilt

It was always there, just around the corner. She could feel it watching, waiting, ready. She could not be weak. To be weak was to give in, to give in was to die. She knew it was there because sometimes in the dead of night, when she lay really still, and didn’t make a noise, it creeped out and stared at her. It just looked at her with its bulging eyes, its snout flaring, smelling the fear that poured out of her. Sometimes on warm summer days, lounging in the shade, happy as anyone could be, she caught sight of it out of the corner of her eye, and it smiled its horrible smile, knowing that it controlled her.

         Once, she had tried to get rid of it. She closed her eyes, turned away from it and ignored it with all the power she possessed. While she wasn’t looking, it grew ten times bigger. The next time she looked around it overwhelmed her, and she knew then that it would never leave.

         She always kept it in sight after that, letting it control her every move, making sure that it would never overwhelm her again. She memorized it as she watched it. The creature was sexless, demonic and short with warts all over its body. It had a face like a hog, except its eyes boasted wisdom.

         Finally, one day it met her where she could not run, could not turn away and could not hide.

         “Why?” she screamed at it in frustration, “Why will you not leave?”

                "I will not leave because you will not let me go. I cling to you only because you will not release me.” It said simply.

         “How do I make you leave?” she asked, “I’ll do anything. Anything to get rid of you.”

         The creature remained silent.

         “If I ignore you, you don’t leave.” She said, “If I fight you with all my strength, if I fight until I can no longer walk, will you leave then?”

         “All the force in the world will not make a difference.” The creature said, rocking back on its heels.

         There was a long time in which the girl was thinking furiously, biting her lower lip.

         “Then time!” she cried, in desperation, “Time heals all things, so surely with time you will tire of clinging to me.”

         “Time is no factor. After a thousand years, I will still be with you.” The creature explained, still rocking on its heels.

         Yet again, the girl fought to find a solution, but in the end could see no answer and she sighed when she realized what must happen.

         “If you will not leave me, then I must simply leave you. Surely through death I will find rest.”

         “Never,” the creature said with conviction, “Is death the answer.”

         “Then how?” she said despairingly, “Am I to make you leave?”

         “If you cannot see what you must do, I will tell you. Many people in your situation have determined what you have. There are a few who have tried to ignore me by distracting themselves with different things, only to realize that I become overwhelming in their ignorance. Then again, many people have fought against me, which only made them tired, weaker and defeated. Too many people have just let me cling, and hoped that I would give up as they became worn down by the burden of me. In despair, these people have far too often turned to your fourth solution, not realizing the simply solution.” The creature paused, and the girl looked on expectantly, “Acceptance. Accept me, and I no longer have any control over you.”

         The girl was speechless for a moment, and then she spluttered, “I can’t! I won’t accept you. I just want you to leave so I never have to see you again.”

         “And that is your challenge.” The creature said somberly and disappeared.


         Years later, she was once again lounging in the shade in the heat of summer, and she caught sight of it out of the corner of her eye. This time, however, instead of quickly looking away, repulsed by it, she simply looked at it sadly and shrugged her shoulders. The creature stared back at her with the same ugly expression and yet somehow, she had found peace with it.