Tempest of my Mind

Tempest of my mind…
The teenage mind and its arduous quandaries and nightmares…

By Jacob Rutowski

Note to reader: this is a peek into the nightmare I had a few weeks ago… I also switch from I to he in the writing but they both refer to the main character. This is to show the fact that during my dreams I don’t know who or what I am…
         

         My mind began to raise the vale as the sensation of heat and brighter shade of black appeared on my face and inner eyelids.  The night had faded out into something less ominous as I opened my eyes to the blinding of the golden sunrise. The curtain was open only with a space barely noticeable that somehow found its way onto my face as its landing pad. Light adjusted I lay there in bed, motionless, wondering what the day once again brings to confront me with. The light shade of blue that had covered one wall by the window now changed as I rolled over in bed causing the sheets to move with me. The wall that my bed was adjacent to was a dark blue reminiscent of being under water. The clump that was on the bed that could only be recognized as a mound of tangled fabric with a head was me.  The clumsy 14 year old that now lay facing the wall thinking was known by all as Jacob.
         The thoughts of the world and the night before began to siphon into his head.  He stared at the blank part of the wall as this happened as he did every morning. The posters that  were along the wall were as still as the room they were in. the computer had no purr this morning and all the clutter around was surprisingly out of the walking area to the desk and the bed. The TV that was in the small shelf was off and remote buried somewhere in the pile heap of its owner. Silence.  How he hated silence. How he wanted it though. The only time available to think clearly.
         The thoughts began to slow in pase and he began to gain control of the situation. “why do I feel like crap?” this was the top of his list because he knew if he wakes up feeling like crap that its probably something of the day before or the dream he had.  His dreams haunted him as a gift and a blessing. He enjoyed a number of his dreams as did other people but as others also, hated a greater number. The dreams that were hated were of great pain and agony, the kind that are actually what you fear in the day.  They were not of monsters and demons or of the things unexplained. Those were welcomed. These were of the emotions that go unexpressed in the day. The fears we feel in the normality of life. Rejection, lose.
         The day was getting brighter as he rolled over once again to face the light. Normally he would spring out of bed and continue on through the day at his usual pase. However this time something new happened, he couldn’t. The thoughts of lets go! Get up! And get movin’! Wouldn’t work this time. He tried to kick and get out of bed but no response.  He used his arms to crawl  out of bed onto the floor with a loud thud. He felt it, the fear again. He wanted to escape as he crawled further to the door and reached up to turn the door handle.  As it unlatched the mechanism and the door fell open he felt a sinking sensation in his stomach as he saw something beyond normal. The hallway appeared to be identical to that of his schools and he slowly dragged his legs behind as he entered. He was maybe half way down when he heard a door open to a nearby classroom.  Turning to see what was going on when realized it was his friend Jon staring at him. Jon had a face of expressionless nothing. But soon I realized what was in his eyes, hate, confusion, anger.
         Suddenly his eyes began to have pictures in them as if a television were behind them. Doors began to open and all his friends from all his memories no matter how little an inclinct that friendship was before him and around him all staring. There eyes all playing the same thing, pictures of him and them fighting, laughing, life as it were. Then he spotted another image only visible in ones eyes, of love and of pain at the same time. Crying and of passion and of laughter that was covered by lose. It was a girls eyes, the face very recognizable to him without a name and as it started to spell itself out to him “N-?”, they all converged and as he lay on the ground. He tried to make an out through them but to no avail. They began to kick and beat him, all the ones he cared about. He began to cry and yell in pain and then as he lay on his back the girls foot came down towards his face…
         “NNNNOOOOO!” His voice echoed through his small bedroom in a hoarse tone. Fear was changed to confusion when he realized he was in his room once again. His eyes wife open, he looked around to find no light and that the clock gave a green shine that said “3:04”. His bed was still wrapped in a pile. He was trying to gather his mind once again when he found something wet against his face. The pillow he was clutching was wet with tears and sweat. These dreams came through him, like a tremor. They may not sound scary to you but try them nearly every night.  He nodded of around 5:30 after laying in bed motionless. 
         The light was real this time as it came through the door to his bedroom as his mother opened it to wake him. “6:30” he thought to himself as he looked at the clock.  Jolting out of bed he dashed to the bathroom and back after tacking care of business to get dressed as he did every morning. His usual black t-shirt with dark blue boot cut  jeans were on him nearly seconds after he entered the room.  He came out energized as if he had not lost any sleep his whole life and walked to the kitchen table. Breakfast of some random generic cereal and apple juice was yet again awaiting him.  At 6:50 he was already on his computer writing a story of the night before and of his life .
         He dawned a pair of black working fingerless gloves and a green denim jacket reminiscent of an army jacket. The air was cold as he walked outside to the bus top. Grey sky and white horizons greeted him as he approached it. The two boys at his stop were fighting as usual and he split them up.  The sound of airbrakes and a bus door opening came soon and just as fast he was at his destination, John F. Kennedy, a high school and middle school. The doors were open and he walked in the crowd of people he walked with every day. The stairs were climbed two steps at a time as he did quiet often. Students and teachers lined the hallways as they busily started there days. 
         “HEY JAKE!” a voice from ahead that was barely distinguishable through the noise reached his ears.  It was Chris and Jon, his best friends of his age.
         “Hey guys. How are you?” he said as they approached.
         “Fine” Jon responded in a small way, unusual to him.
         “Sow what’s new?”
         “Nothin much. You?”
         He wanted to tell them about his dream and ask what happened yesterday because all he drew from his memory was an image of violence.  This is weird do to the fact he never got in trouble.          
         “Don’t you remember?” Chris finally said something.
         “Remember what?” I was beginning to get confused. A little worried actually.
         “CHRIS! SHUT UP!” Jon was getting strange himself and so was Chris.
         “Don’t you remember Jake? The principle gave you today off. Why are you here?”
         “WHY WOULD I HAVE THE DAY OFF AND WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY!?” Jake was getting extremely frustrated and angry.
         “You seriously don’t remember, do you?” Jon was beginning to look like he was about o do something he didn’t want to.
         “Yesterday you were getting beat up by some guys on the street . We meaning me, Chris, Nikki, and Joe had all went to the movies with you and on the way there you stopped somewhere. We went back to look for you but found that and when joe stepped in he got, hurt and well when we tried to help, nikki got…”
         He stopped when he realized I remembered now. She’s dead, Joes hospitalized. but then I realized something we all died when a gang tried to mug us. We were sort of the ners or rather I was a dork who was cool enough to be hung out with.  I backed up and sat down with my back to the locker crying and fearing and confused. “WHAT IS GOING ON!” I yelled and my room echoed with this as I opened my eyes to an emptiness, A white, blank space with nothing in front of me.  I felt something rise up behind me and soon I was emerged in a cloud like fog so thick not even an angel could see through. I stood up and realized I was taller than the fog and turned around to see them again. Everyone as before, like in the dream. Expressionless they were as I approached. They were lined up in seemingly endless line. They were as stiff as a board until I finally approached one of them. I felt strange not recognizing him until I realized it was Patrick, my older best friend who lived down the street! He towered over me with his whopping 6 foot 4 inch height and suddenly opened his eyes to reveal the Flashing images once again.  He pushed me down before I could avoid him and sent me to my knees. I looked up at him in a form that could be compared to a praying person and saw his face swell with emotions. He opened his mouth and began to speak “You’re the one who has it better than me, the leader, the one who I have to listen to all day and all my life…that is why  I hate you…”
         I felt a sinking in my body and  all my mind was in pain as I thought of this and his last words and in the same moment felt his hand hit hard across my face and I fell to the side and got up again to be pushed onto my knees once again. The next to say was chris as I looked skyword from my tumble and he spole as well,” You’re the opposite of me and yet were so alike, you think your better at everything and you have greater feeling for another than I could ever muster, that is why I hate you…”
         Another blow to my body. Now Jon was before me,
                                                 “ You are just like me, you are like a copy with ,more than me, you disgust me.”
         Water flowed from I eyes and gasps came from not only from my mouth but from the pain in my heart and mind…
         One by one they lined up and showed me there secret hate or anger.
         I was beaten and mentally tortured by my friends, the one I loved and cared for and suddenly I found myself in a position where I wanted to die.
         I felt my mind and body finaly give way when it got to her and I fell flat in my back…
         “You are the one that loves me and I don’t love you, you try and I don’t care, you feel and I discard thoughs feelings, you are pathetic…” 
         The cold hard ground below me shatteed like it was glass and I fell into the black leaving the white behind me… I closed my eyes and opened them again to see I was laying back against my bedroom door crying. I was nearly ripping the pillows I was hold my grip was so tight. 
         I couldn’t let go of the pillows unitl I realized they were organized in my arms with the round one on top and going biggest to smallest like person. I dropped them and began to scream and sweat and tears ran down my face and then…
         My mind bean to raise the vale as the sensation of heat and brighter shade of black appeared on my face and eyelids.  The night had faded out into something less ominous as I opened my eyes to the blinding of the golden sunrise…

           
           Note to reader: yes this dream was the longest ad scariest I’ve ever had, so real and vivid. It may not sound bad but if you had it you’d be the same.      I Pray you never have a repeating nightmare like this one.  These were only dreams…I hope…Night mares, I hate them so….