Thinking of My Lover:A Declaration to Me

It's January 23rd, 2007.

Wow. Time flies.

Heylo, lover.

I've been thinking. Not bad things. Not really, anyway.

I'm not going to fight you on being monogamous with me anymore. It's not what you want. And I really don't want to force you to want me, in any way. I'm not going to make us miserable because of your choice. I'm not going to make myself miserable either.

There is no point in being with you if we're both going to be unhappy. But being without you makes me miserable, so what do I do?

I feel as if while I wait for you to learn your lessons in life(Or different Sex Positions, whatev.) by being totally intimate with other people will tear me apart. And I used to think that it was something negative about me. But it's not. I know that I don't need that to learn about life.

I need adventures, gigs, parties, living, not fucking people.

But you, my love, have taught me some very important lessons. Lessons in self reliance, passion, love, and PATIENCE! : ) Plus, a host of other things.

But of course, I've learned some of the same from Jack, Ciara, Shana, and Roxy. And I can honestly say that I haven't fucked any of them.

I've also learned something else that's important to me. I should stay who the hell I am!  I don't need to sleep with anyone else. Even though I almost did. But I couldn't go through with it. It wouldn't feel right with me. Not because I would betray you, but because that's something that I share with *you*. Something that is sacred on my part. Not so much on yours, it seems, but its something that I value.

We had an incredible, long, weekend didn't we?  I loved it. I didn't want it to end. But, I have to face reality.

The fact, the reality of this all is, you aren't unusual. You aren't a weirdo and most people in the world don't think like I do.  Most people in the world *cannot* be in a monogamous relationship. Most people do not find a person that they can only see themselves with. Maybe, even, every man that I care about will sleep with my friends. Maybe, even, every man that I feel that I could be with will reject me.

All of that has happened to me more than once. But of course, I could be wrong. I hope that I'm wrong.

Of course when I explain to people that I only want you, they say that I'm only 19. And I am damned impressed with myself for only being 19. And I do not feel as if I should be ashamed for my age or feeling that way about you.

Maybe I shouldn't post this on here. Maybe I should keep this honest rant to myself. Maybe I'm trying to show you that it's ok to write; no matter how someone will react to it.

I admit. I'm hurt. I am hurting so badly. I'm hurt that you don't want me in that capacity and you may never want me that way. I'm hurt that you were with that Basic Gawf Gurl. I'm hurt that you can do that and not think twice about me. However, I'll get over it. I know that I can make the hurt go away somehow. But, I know that I won't stop loving you, Boseness.

But I'm not changing my true self. I couldn't recover from that hurt.

After all that I've typed/said....

I would still love to be your Valentine. I'd love to go to the movies with you, go dancing, skiing, causing trouble, screaming in alleyways, and making love where we absolutely shouldn't. I want to be able to sing with you on my 21st birthday.

It's January 23rd 2007.
And I'm the same person I've always been.
And it's awesome.

I Love You,
Chy-Chy


The Only Thing I Regret Is Hurting You.