The Night

I heard the rip of my favorite shirt as she jerked the backside of it towards her.
WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?
WHY DO YOU HATE ME!?
She kept on repeating this phrase to me while my throat forced itself to block my breathing tube. In her mind, this would somehow force me to love her. I had never hit my mother before. I really didn’t even do it that hard. Just a forceful fist to get her off of me. She started to cry along with me. I wasn’t really crying at that point, it was more of the flesh around my eye had turned to a pinkish color and swelled shut with tears. She sat on the couch almost as if she was afraid of me. Afraid of her own son. Her own flesh and blood. I got up and headed for the stairs. The song Stairway to Heaven came into my mind as I approached them. Sure it wasn’t heaven but it was better than hell. The knob of the door turned as I twisted my wrist to open it.
You will NOT leave this house! This is MY house! Get your fucking ass back here!
The thought of listening to her orders never even crossed my mind.
I started walking down the street, not quite knowing where I was going. Not really caring. I just walked with half of my shirt folded over to the side due to the torn threads. About a hundred feet from the house I really started to cry. I cut through the yard that I had gone across so many times before. Into the park. Pass the gazebo. Deer were roaming that night. I saw about eight or nine of them. I had never seen deer in that park before. They must wait until they feel safe to come out. Wait until the darkness dawns. I had attempted to walk to them but my unfamiliar face had scared them off running away from that in which they fear. Like I had done earlier.
There was many times in which I had sneaked out of the house to just take a night walk to think things through. I learned that time was always slower at night. Always holding back. Not wanting the sun to rise. The dark skies pushing down against the bright pink of dawn as if they were in a battle. A battle in which the pink always won. Even with my knowledge of the slowness of the night, this night seemed eternal.
We used to get along. We used to enjoy each other’s company. Now, those memories and feelings were a thing of the past. I don’t really know how it happened. I guess it kind of just evolved from one emotion to the next. Annoyance. Frustration. antagonism. Furry. Hate. Some words, when you say them a lot real fast, they start to lose meaning. They aren’t even words anymore. Not hate. Hate you could repeat over and over again and it would still have the same meaning. Still have the same devastating force.
I was never allowed outside anymore. The only time I could escape the confines of my house was when I went to school. That was it. I was kept on constant grounding in order to teach me respect and discipline. She always said that there were more important things to do then bum around town all day. I should be reading, studying, preparing, working, and obeying. I understood that these were all important but to not let me be with friends at all was unbearable.
I had grown to love solitude. To isolate myself from the rest of the world. Sometimes, on the rare occasion, she’d say I could go out for about an hour or two to go to the park and be with friends. I had turned these opportunities down. I’ve become so accustomed to being alone, it has become normal to me.
I was walking down Appleton Avenue now. Imaging the reactions of the drivers when they saw a kid with half of his torso exposed walking down the road at 11:30 at night. As the cars passed by, all I could see were the headlights. I kept wondering if the proceeding vehicles were going to be cops or just the regular person. Part of me was hoping it was the police. That way, they could keep me from doing things I would inexorably regret in the future.
The tears had dried up now. As if my head sucked them back in. My body telling me to be a man. I contemplated on stopping in at The Odyssey to get some strawberry pancakes. I hadn’t eaten all day and my stomach was really starting to desire food. Realizing I had no money, I kept walking past. Looking in at the happy people. The happy people and their friends. The happy people and their friends and their food. I turned onto a road I was familiar with but had forgotten the name. There was something pulling me that direction. It was one of my good friends, Casey.
I’ve had two best friends in the past. One kept on using me to commit crimes and steal things. Always persuading me with that concept, ‘best friend’. I knew I had no one else. I was scared of being alone unlike I was that night. The other one turned out to be fake and quickly ended up with a different crowd. Since then, I had learned not to become too attached to people because I was setting myself up for the inevitable let-down. Casey was a good friend.
I arrived at his house to find all the lights out. At first this saddened me but after a few minutes I convinced myself I don’t need anyone. I can do alright by myself. His house was right off of the highway. For some reason, I hopped the 10 foot tall fence and just walked along the road. Horns shout out long tones first erupting like a gunshot but then slowly fading as they passed on by.
GET OUT OF THE ROAD KID! Shouted the horns. I paid no attention to them.
After a while, the semi trucks looked inviting. All of these emotions filled my head but then somehow found a way to drain out a second later. I could just jump in front of one of the trucks. I’m no good here anyway. I don’t do well in school. I’m a failure in my parents’ eyes. No one would really give a shit if I weren’t here. Just gone.
Then this daunting thought entered my mind. I couldn’t imagine just not being. Everyone is so used to just being alive. No one knows what it feels like to be dead. I’m agnostic. As of right now, I don’t believe in God until I’m able to find some evidence he exists. I’m not the one who will completely dismiss the possibility altogether. The thoughts of going to heaven or hell didn’t come to me. The only thing I could think of happening after death is just being buried in the ground for the rest of time.
I climbed back over to the other side of the fence. Still clueless as where my destination was supposed to be. Part of me just wanted to keep walking into the horizon. I had it all planned out. I would go back home, get a backpack of toilet paper, water, some food, and minimal clothes. I’d find a bike to steal so I could get where ever it was I was supposed to be faster. After that, I’d just take off. Keep riding, stealing food and sleeping in wherever was apt. Sure it wasn’t a habitual life, but to me it would be a lot easier to live off the necessities instead of the wants.
Modern evolution is a problem. Hundreds of thousands of years ago before all this new-age technology existed, cavemen had it simple. All they had to do was hunt, mate, sleep, and eat. There weren’t as many problems back then. Car-jackings never happened. There weren’t cars. Taxes didn’t cause people to go broke. They weren’t invented. Evolution has developed all of these new inventions that cause problems one way or another. Humans live the most complicated lives. It’s a fact. We have forced education, 9-5 jobs, relationship problems, decisions on clothes to wear, complex foods, and every other thing within our daily lives. Mostly every other animal leads simple lives. They don’t have wars going on in the local park because one squirrel takes a few nuts from another squirrel. The more intelligent and sophisticated we become, the more problems will ensue. We are our own demise.
If everyone lived off of the land, there would be a lot less violence. That was my basis for just leaving. I believe I would lead a simpler lifestyle. For some reason though, I didn’t. I cared about things here. Despite all the problems, there are still good things going for me. I would leave tonight. Instead of leaving for good, I intended on returning.
I headed down Brown Deer Road to my friend Emma’s house. She was 19 and had taught me many important life lessons and has helped me understand myself more than I used to. I could relate to her easier than I can anyone else and could confide in her about anything. She lived next to Best Buy in some apartments that she and I had picked out the year before. I passed the Milwaukee city limits sign and had officially left the county. It was 4:30 in the morning.
My legs then gave out. They couldn’t take this anymore. I hadn’t slept the night before. I needed sleep. I felt sorry for any insects I might have killed while falling over into the ditch. I was cold but at the same time I was warm. The wind spit its frosty air into my face as if it were insulting me for not being properly dressed for its chilly wrath. The warmness came from within. Inside I felt comfortable. I was feeling better that I was away from her. All that mattered to me was that moment. I didn’t care about the past and I didn’t care about the future. They were strangers to me. For once, I was content.