Broken hearts become shattered

                                  Broken Hearts Become Shattered


         How do you go on with a life that seems almost meaningless?  Time is nothing but a lost concept when you are all alone.  I tried to tell myself I was O.K.  I was getting better, but the horrible truth was I still loved her.  I spent countless hours out of the day dwelling on the love I had for her, and how she just threw me away like a hold worn out hand towel.  My emotions drove me to the point of near insanity, thoughts of death and suicide plagued my every thought.  Something strange was happening though.  My friend Curtis was telling me she seemed like she wanted me back.  She always talked about me, and wanted to be friends.  Despite the horrible way she betrayed me, she still wanted my friendship.  She wanted her cake and eat it too.
         I was at work, looking as professional as I could.  There was an extended weekend coming up and the whole squadron was lining up for formation.  On my way there, I took my cell phone and turned it off, so it wouldn’t ring and interrupt the commanding officer while he gave his safety brief.  Earlier that morning I had dropped my daughter Lydia off at her daycare, I intended to pick her up as soon as we were let go for the weekend.  The formation was relatively short, and the speakers tried to make it as unboering and possible.  I had been in too many of these, it was the same stuff I had heard repeatedly in my career; do not do drugs, do not drink, and drive, come back safe, these are some of the topics talked about among many others.  We were let go and I promptly went to my car and turned on my cell.  One single message waited for me “Michael it’s me Sherry I need to talk to you, please come by before you pick Lydia up.”
         Sherry was my soon to be ex-wife.  She sounded so very distraught, and it made me upset to hear her in such a tone.  This woman had cheated on me, and left me all alone in the world.  Despite that, I still loved her profusely.  I turned on the ignition, and made my way off the military instillation.  The speed limit was fifty-five, but I was going sixty-nine.  I wanted to get to her place as soon as I could, she needed me, and I was going to be there regardless of what she had done; I loved her.
         I turned into her trailer park and slowly made my way to her place.  I knocked on the door and there was no answer.  The most logical thing to do next was to knock on her window; maybe she had fallen asleep because she didn’t expect me to be there so soon.  I knew that Ben, her partner in her adulterer act, had left her.  Certainly, this was the reason she was calling me, it had to be.  As I knocked on the window, I heard her get up and start for the front door.  Hurriedly I ran to meet her.  She opened the door and asked me to come inside; her eyes were red from tears.  As I came in, she asked me if I wanted something to drink and I said sure.  Her pale hands opened the door to the refrigerator and she proceeded to make me a glass of orange juice.  “What is this all about Sherry?”  I asked in a monotone voice.
         “I don’t know” she said and cowardly looked away at the far wall
         “Sherry just say it, just say whatever it is on your mind” I replied with all the feeling in my heart.  I knew what she was about to ask.
         “I miss you.”  A pause “Ben knew I still had feelings for you, that’s why he left,”
I looked into her eyes and began to shake; tears were swelling in my eyes.  “I am sorry Michael I shouldn’t have said anything.”
         “You miss me, after all this time now you miss me.”  All my emotions began to come tumbling out.  “I waited for you every night and now you miss me, I loved you with everything I had and now you miss me.”
         “I’m sorry.”
         “No don’t be sorry, I love you, of course I want to make this thing work.”  I replied to her words with all the softness a man like me can find in his soul.  “But it won’t be over night.”
         We began to discuss things and make a plan to continue out lives together.  I could not believe it; I had my life back in the blink of an eye.  She had meant the world to me, and I did want her back more than anything.  We lay down together on the mattress in the middle of her floor.  The beating of my heart was deeper than it ever was before.  She was home to me, yet she felt like something new and tainted.  I drove her to work that evening.  It was a quiet drive, almost as lonely as it was without her the day before.  The whole world I had built revolved around her, and I never wanted that to fade into nothingness.  I would have done anything to make it work.
         I got home soon after I dropped her off at work and called my mother.  I knew she would be totally against it, and she was.  I told her that I loved her and I had to try to make this work.  My mother’s words echo in my mind to this very day “She is only going to hurt you again son.”  That night Sherry called me and told me she did not want to pursue making it work.  My soul crumbled into a fast nothingness, my heart sank into my chest.  Hopeful I could turn it around I picked her up and drove her home.  She got out of my car said she was sorry and went inside her house.  I cried all the way to the end of the street.  Stopped!  And scram at the night.  “Not again!  Not again!  Fuck you god why are you doing this to me!  I can’t take this anymore!  I hate you Sherry!
         I spent the next months wondering what I did wrong.  Believing she would still come back, but to no avail.  She left me all alone in the world to fight with my inner demons her love had held back for so long.  Everyday my heart bleeds for her.  Everyday I cut myself hoping the pain on the outside will ease the pain on the inside.

DRAVEN