On My Own

When life gives you pain, it hurts. When a friend gives you pain, it kills.

I am standing on the cliff. As I step an inch closer to the tip, I catch sight of the magnificent waves of the deep blue ocean, thrashing onto the shore. The frothy white water runs over like a transperant sheet of liquid crystal on the carpet of white sand. Carrying away whatever doesn't belong on the land. Leaving the shore clean, pure, beautiful, true. The waves call to me.

"Jump down. Let us swallow you. It'll be okay. You won't feel a thing. You'll never feel anything anymore."

The voices are undescribably tempting, I realize, inching closer, my sneakers grazing over the rough stone, nobody had set foot on for ages. As I take a deep breath of the moist salty air, preparing to take the deciding step towards freedom, something makes me falter, and I instinctively drop down and hold on to a groove on the rock. Pulling myself further up, I sit on a blunt protrusion. Close enough to see the water and hear its thundering, yet somehow comforting noise, but at the same time, safe from being consumed by it.

And there, sitting on the rock, my last obstacle before the journey's end, I look back to the past fifteen years of my life.

Images of my mother and father come fleeting by. My mother cooes to me as I lie on my cradle, staring at the mobile and laughing. My father mock pummeling me with a soft teddy bear, as I laugh some more. My teacher at kindergarten, patting me on the head as I show her my thumb painting. Me smiling proudly. So happy. The happiness was so fresh. The movie of my life switches to primary school. My first meeting with Andy. Fist fights and baby mind games. Bonsai competitions to succeed. The next stage of Middle school. Friends. So many of them. Changes. So many changes. Becoming a young woman from a bubbly girl. Emotional changes and surprising surges of hormones. Mood swings and crushes. Rejections and acceptance.Such a confusing, yet exhileratingly different change from before.

The fights, the unsaid words, the feelings that went by unnoticed. The passion that we never saw. Or saw and ignored. Me and my best friend. Our way of life.

I loved him. I still do. I loved to make him smile, feel good about himself. Seeing him laugh, hearing him speak. Telling him how I loved him no matter what. Hearing those magical words- You make me feel so much better. Those promises to never let go.

The vows to remain together forever and for always...

Everything can't always be for the best. All feelings just can't be felt. All the love just can't be expressed. And all fights just can't be temporary.All tears don't go noticed. Sometimes, goodbye is forever. Our life doesn't end here. Thats what everybody says. That's what the voice inside of me says. That's what my reflection tells me. That's what the faltering before I take my final step tells me.

I peer down the cliff once again. This time, I see a baby turtle and its mother. A wave comes crashing down the shore and carries the baby away. The mother crawls towards the water as fast as it can. Its little legs never trip as it paddles determinedly down to the water. It never stops till it reaches its baby. Maybe it won't ever find it. But it went swimming away, in search. In a desperate belief, and an effort to save a life.

A little bird comes flying to perch on the rock I was sitting on. Looks at me, its black, beady eyes, as if to say- " You've got me." The sea says the same thing. And so does the mother turtle. And the palm fronds down the beach. The lone rock on which I sit on. The moist winds and the unending sky.

I bite my lip, making probably the toughest decision of my life, and get up. I look at the sea for one last time. The rocks jutting out of the water. The specky carpet of perfect white sand. I watch the mother turtle being carried on to the shore again. But this time, with the baby. I watch the bird flying away. And I make my decision. Looking at the beauty of my surroundings for one last time, I pick up a piece of the rock I had sat on, as a momento of my courage to stand up to myself. To have the faith and the strength to carry on. Putting it into my pocket, I slowly walk away. Feeling the piece of rock for assurance. Ready to face the world and reality. Ready to soar.