The Diary of Jeremy Part 1

January 1

My name is Jeremy. I am 16 years old. And this is my diary that I got for Christmas. Admittedly, it’s not quite as good as the Star Wars: Original Trilogy DVD that I got, but it’s better than the mouldy old figure of Gandalf that Herbert gave me, especially since it looks like it had passed through Boris’ digestive system.
    Christmas was good. I got electrocuted putting up the Christmas lights, and as I was crawling around on the floor, looking for baubles, my drunken father thought I was a foot rest and put his feet on my back for thirteen hours. When I finally freed myself, my back had been irreparably damaged. Herbert laughed when I told him.
    I’m looking forward to the New Year. It should be fun. Herbert, Lawrence and I are going to book the geek room (or the ‘freak room’, as Bruce kindly puts it) for the next few months, before Eugene and Ronald can do it. I’m also planning on becoming the world’s biggest expert on Star Wars, and as well, to get a beautiful girlfriend. Most girls refuse to look at me twice (and if they accidentally do, they wash their eyes out afterwards, I’ve noticed), but I’m feeling pretty lucky this year. I’ve had my eye on a girl named Jessica for a while. She seems like a nice girl. A bit on the non-geeky side, but she’ll do.

January 2

Started my Star Wars marathon. I’ve locked myself in my basement to watch by Star Wars Special Edition DVD. I’ve got enough food and drink to last me several days, not to mention a few tissues if I get a bit too excited at the sight of Chewbacca.

Update: The tissues have been used up.

January 3

My Star Wars marathon continues. Food supplies depleted. Bladder reaching unadvisably large size. Not been to toilet in two days.

January 4

I’m locked in my basement. Food supplies have vanished. Colon becoming clogged up. Bladder is completely full. It hurts to breathe. I’ve banged on the door, but my alcoholic father seems to have collapsed in front of it so I can’t get out.

January 5

Star Wars DVD broke. Bladder reaching breaking point. Colon reaching explosive point. This must be what Hell is like.

January 6

Bladder has exploded. Being rushed to hospital.

Update: That was unpleasant. My mother finally realised that I was missing and found me in the basement, with urine and faeces splattered all over the wall. She hurried me to hospital, and the doctors rushed to repair my poor bladder. They said I could very nearly have died. I was upset when I learned my DVD was covered in excrement, though.
    Herbert and Lawrence came to visit me in hospital to see how I was. I had missed the first day of school, so they told me all about it. Apparently, Eugene and Ronald had managed to book the geek room before Herbert and Lawrence had been able to, and had spent their dinner playing Star Trek and Warhammer. Bah, Star Trek, what a horrid show. It doesn’t even have Chewbacca in it…

January 7

The doctor said I should rest for a few days. My dad said I should go to school. My mother was absent, since she works for a ‘lady’s magazine’, where people take photographs of her wearing no clothes. I argued with my father, but he said he would stop my subscription to Star Wars Galaxies if I didn’t go to school. I reluctantly went to school.
    The news of my burst bladder had spread. People seemed to find it highly amusing. Jessica laughed in my face – a sign of affection, I’m sure. Bruce punched me in the bladder. I’m sure its burst again. Liquid seems to be pooling into my abdomen. I would fight back, but Bruce is a lot bigger than me. I gave him the money that I owed him: money for being a geek, money for wearing glasses, money for being a glasses-wearing geek, money for being called Jeremy, money for not giving him money yesterday, money because I have a small penis etc.
    Oh how I would love to get my revenge on Bruce…

January 8

My dad drank too much alcohol today and had to have his stomach pumped. The doctors advised him not to drink again. He was drunk again within the hour. I decided to remove all the alcohol from the house and sell it at school. Bruce punched me in the nether regions and stole it all. He went to get drunk behind the bike sheds. When I bravely tried to get it back, he threw a bike at me.

January 9

I went to Herbert’s house after school today. His dog, Boris, ravaged me until I was bleeding everywhere. He only stopped trying to kill me when Gerbert arrived and told him off. Gerbert is the only person who Boris listens to. Gerbert is a lot smarter than Herbert, but much less geekier. He was reading a book called ‘Conquering Continents for Dummies’.

January 10

School wasn’t allowing geeks entry today. According to Bruce, anyway. He made me sit on a railway line for several hours. By a miracle, the trains weren’t running. I escaped before Bruce could pummel me. He pummelled Ronald instead. Ronald looked as if he might cry.

January 11

It snowed today. Bruce turned me into a snowman. Mrs Crumplebunt told Bruce off, but Bruce turned him into a snowman too. It was rather cold. I think my blood physically froze. Herbert and Lawrence saved me and threw me into a fire to warm me up. I suffered third-degree burns and had to go into hospital.

January 23

I’ve only just been allowed out of hospital. My hands hurt too much to write until now. My burns have subsided slightly. I went back to school and tried to show off to Jessica, telling her how brave I was. She looked at me in disgust and locked me in the girls’ bathroom. I was very scared. I didn’t know what to do. There were girls everywhere, looking at me. I tried to escape through I window, but I got stuck.

January 24

I’m still stuck in the window. People keep shoving things up my rear end. Bruce put a sparrow up there. I think it’s made a nest in my intestines. My drunken father seems to have forgotten I exist, and my mother hasn’t come home from the studio where she works for a few days. Apparently, she’s working on some ‘topless…er…I mean, top stuff’ for her magazine. Lawrence was kind to me today. He brought me a Star Wars novel and held it up so I could read from it. His arms quickly got tired and he became light-headed. He went for a sit down.

January 25

Being stuck in this window is becoming very uncomfortable. Herbert and Lawrence are feeding me. Mr Clogg shouted at me for ‘loitering’, and Mrs Crumplebunt told me that the school couldn’t be bothered paying for the fire service to come and cut me free. Going to the toilet is highly embarrassing since I have to urinate and defecate in my pants. The girls’ bathroom has thus been closed for safety reasons. Lawrence helped clean my faeces away – he said he saw a tapeworm dangling from my colon.

Update: I’m finally free. Herbert and Lawrence greased me up and managed to push me through the window. I landed on my head. I told my father that I might have brain damage. He didn’t answer. He think he’s dead. No, not dead. Just very drunk, as usual.

January 26

My hamster died today. Probably because I hadn’t fed it in about a month. We were about to have a burial for it in the garden, but a hawk swooped through the window and carried it away.

January 27

I’m getting a bit sexually frustrated. I decided to ask Jessica out today. She responded by slapping me. I tried to touch her ample breasts. She responded by telling Bruce to beat me up. Bruce complied and shoved me head-first down a toilet until I passed out. When I woke up, he superglued a cabbage to each of my hands. ‘They can substitute for breasts, you freak,’ he said. I sadly walked home with the cabbages glued to my hands.

January 28

The cabbages are making life very difficult for me. I can’t indulge in the odd masturbation session (maybe I could get Herbert to do it for me…hmmm…) and other things that were once easy are now impossible. Whilst trying to eat cereal, I accidentally slammed my elbow into the bowl and it flew everywhere; I couldn’t open a door and had to use my mouth to turn the knob (getting it lodged there for three hours), and I couldn’t ride my bike to school. I tried nonetheless, but wiped out when I hit an eighteen wheeler head on. Imagine, almost being killed by cabbages…
    I couldn’t write anything at school, and Mr Clogg told me off for playing with vegetables. I decided the best thing to do was slowly eat the cabbages until they had vanished. I slowly chomped away at them all day until I was sick everywhere. I was sent to the nurse who told me I would probably die. I told my father this new fact. He didn’t reply. This time, I actually think he is dead. He doesn’t seem to be breathing.

January 29

My father is alive. The cabbages are still stuck to my hands. My mother has ceased to exist, it seems. Herbert is writing this down. He doesn’t seem too happy.

January 30

Piss off, Jeremy. I’m sick of writing in your stupid diary. Use your teeth until you get the cabbages removed.

January 31

I accidentally swallowed diary today trying to write with my teeth. I went to the hospital, got the diary removed, as well as the cabbages. I fed them to Boris. I don’t think he likes them.

February 1

Ah, the start of a new month. Maybe a fresh start. Apparently not. Bruce broke his bike, so he used me as a substitute to get him home. I had to carry him on my back for three miles. My spine is horribly disfigured now.

February 2
We have devised a new chart, Lawrence, Herbert and I, where we mark down any female that we kiss. Lawrence kissed a statue and put a point down. Herbert kissed Boris (even though I’m sure he’s male) and put a point down. I was falling behind, so I rushed home and kissed my mum, who had returned. The naked man next to her in bed looked a bit embarrassed. I ran back to school and put a point down. At least I now have a cameo in a pornographic movie!

February 3

I got home from school today to discover my dad had turned the basement (my basement) into an alcohol store. I cried until I wet myself, but my father wouldn’t listen to me. In desperation, I launched myself out of a window to make him listen to me. I landed on my head.

February 4

Ow, my head hurts. Quite a lot. My dad just says I’m trying to get attention.

February 5

I gathered my Star Wars DVDs and headed over to Herbert’s house to watch them. He refused. I went over to Lawrence’s house and asked if I could watch them. He also refused. I wandered the streets in a lonely fashion and when I got home, I found myself locked out. I spent a cold night in the shed. I then accidentally locked myself in the shed.

February 6

I finally dug my way out of the shed. Mr Clogg sprung a surprise test on us today about science. Being a fan of science-fiction, I was never very good at science. I got –2 on the test. I got none of the questions right and I entered minus numbers because I got a paper cut from the test paper and bled everywhere. I’m probably going to have to get better marks if I’m ever to become an astronaut.

February 7

We’ve started playing football in games today. I’m quite good at it, though everyone else seems to think otherwise. Bruce ‘accidentally’ mistook me for the ball and kicked me down the pitch. Lawrence was the goal keeper. Bruce knocked him out and scored twenty-seven goals before the referee noticed and gave our team a free kick. Herbert took it. He launched it into the wrong net. Bruce’s team won by thirty-five points to one. (That goal was accidentally scored by Eugene, when he tripped over the ball, and it flew backwards into his own net).

February 8

I’ve managed to wrestle control of the basement from my father. My mother came round today and she and my father did disgusting things in the bedroom, whilst I cleared all the alcohol from the basement. I put all my Star Wars posters up and re-alphabetised my stacks of Star Wars DVDs and novels.

February 9

The last day of term today. Bruce celebrated by seeing how many geeks he could cram into a bin. The total was three: Herbert, Ronald and me (Eugene and Lawrence went into a second bin). I went home and told my father that I was being bullied. He said he’d deal with the problem, but all he did was drink large amounts of alcohol and collapse on the floor. I think I will have to deal with my problems myself.

February 10

Lawrence had a party today. Me and Herbert went round and played video games and even nearly played some music, but the grumpy neighbour next door complained before we had even started it. He seems like a mean old man to me.

February 11

A war has started. The grumpy man next door to Lawrence (who is called Fergus) versus Lawrence, Herbert and I. Lawrence started off being very kind, trying to make Fergus enjoy playing Dungeons and Dragons, but he refused and reposted the rule books, which looked as if they had been shredded. As Lawrence broke down into tears, Herbert and I decided to get our revenge. We went round there and trampled on his lawn. I kicked a gnome, but I hurt myself and had to sit down. Then Fergus came out and chased us away. Round one goes to Fergus.

February 12

The war continues. Lawrence filled a bag with some poo, and we launched it at Fergus’ house. However, it bounced back and hit Herbert in the face. I tried to throw a brick through Fergus’ window, but I simply strained my arm. Round two goes to Fergus.

February 13

The war has ended. Fergus has won. He released a badger into Lawrence’s house. Everything could torn to pieces. The entire house had to be de-badgered by a professional. Lawrence wasn’t happy.

February 14

St Valentine’s Day is upon us! The day where people confess their love for one another. I decided that I should confess my love for Jessica, the girl of my dreams. I posted a card through her letterbox, but the door opened and who should be standing there, but Bruce! Yes, Bruce! Turns out he and Jessica are now seeing each other. In my uncontrollable rage, I launched myself angrily at Bruce. I caused very minimal damage to him, and both Bruce and Jessica laughed heartily as they made me eat the Valentine’s Day card. I was then sick everywhere, and had to eat my sick. It was the worst February 14th in my life.

February 15

My grandmother died today. I wasn’t terribly sad because I thought she had died eight years ago.

February 16

It turns out Boris is a female. She had puppies today – three of them. Herbert tried to keep them secret from his family, but they destroyed the house with their playful antics. When his enraged mother found out, Herbert was forced to sell them. I bought one of them and called it Brian. Bruce stole another one and said he was going to breed it with a skunk. The other one was very vicious and savaged Ronald when he came round to look at them. Ronald was forced to have several stitches in hospital. Nobody wanted to buy the puppy after that.
    Brian, meanwhile, is a lovable and friendly dog. Well, it was. I only had it for a few hours before it ran away. It’s probably got run over by a steamroller by now or something. I went out in search for it, but I got lost and had to spend the night in a bus shelter.

February 17

I now have hypothermia. My father drove me to the hospital, but he was drunk, and we collided with a steamroller.

February 18

Ambulance drove my father and I to the hospital. It ran over Brian as we tore down the streets.

February 19

My father and I were discharged from hospital today, and attended my grandmother’s funeral. I think she’s definitely dead this time. Herbert and Lawrence were there, but they were being very disrespectful as they argued about which was better, Lord of the Rings or Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe if they had been talking about Star Wars, I would have let them off.
    Brian is still alive. Barely. My dad couldn’t be bothered taking him to the vets, so he operated on him himself. I think the dog is worse than ever. It’s eating food normally, but nothing comes out the other end, and it’s getting surely bigger. I think it’s going to pop soon.
    As for the third puppy, it’s been bought. By Fergus. He named the little tyrant Brutus and went home, petting it. I’m a bit scared to go round to Lawrence’s house now in case Brutus maims me.
    In other news, it was pancake day today. It was awful. Since my father was in a drunken state, I had to do it myself. My pancake flipping was atrocious. One went into the sink; one flew out of the window and killed a sparrow; one stuck to the pan and the pan flew out of the window; one hit my dad; one hit Brian; another hit my dad; my dad came in and beat me round the head with the frying pan; pancake mixture went everywhere; the neighbours came round and complained; the neighbours got hit with a pancake; the neighbours got hit with a frying pan; the neighbours got hit by Brian; a fire started; the fire brigade came round; they got hit by a pancake; my dad told me to stop making pancakes when the house was on fire; I got hit with a pancake; I got wedged in a toilet; I was rushed to hospital.

February 20

I went back to school today. It wasn’t too bad. I tried to avoid Bruce all day, but he poured acid into my eyes in chemistry. Bruce claimed it was an accident and offered to take me to the nurse. Instead, he guided me off the roof of the building, and I had to be rushed to hospital once again. The doctor said I might as well live there. I don’t think he was joking. Bruce came to visit me in hospital and piled beds on top of me. I was rushed deeper into the hospital for an emergency operation.

February 21

Hi, Herbert here. I went to visit Jeremy at the hospital and picked up his diary. I thought it would be fun to write in. Now, Jeremy’s okay, but he likes Star Wars too much. Can’t he see that Gandalf would beat Chewbacca in a fight any day? Things are alright at home, I suppose. Gerbert has locked himself in his room. I often hear him laughing manically, and he’s borrowed a few books from the library, such as ‘World Domination: From Beginning to End’. I sometimes worry about him. He may be older than me (by twelve seconds), but he’s not that intelligent.

February 22

Still Herbert here. I’m in the toilet at school because I accidentally trod on Bruce’s foot and he chased me into this cubicle. I think I may have to spend several days in here.

February 23

Ooops, I accidentally flushed Jeremy’s diary down the toilet yesterday and I had to go into the sewers to get it back. It’s all wet and covered in excrement. Jeremy is going to go berserk when he finds out…

February 24

I don’t believe that Herbert!! He’s gone and ruined my diary! It’s all soggy and I think Boris has had a good chew at it. At least I’m out of hospital again. My dad said he’d have a word with Bruce, since all these hospital trips are costing him a fortune. He went and came back an hour later, sporting a black eye and a bruised face. He said that I would probably be victimised by Bruce twice as much now.

February 25

My dad wasn’t wrong! Bruce has entered a whole new stage of brutality. In woodworking class today, he tried to sand my head, and then melded Herbert and myself together. It took us another trip to the hospital to get us separated. Luckily, my dad was too drunk to complain.

February 26

Good news, and bad news. The good news is that Jessica and Bruce have broken up. The bad news is that Bruce is in an ever fouler mood than usual, and took much delight in trying to drown me in the vat of beans in the school kitchen. My pulse seems to have vanished. Shouldn’t I be dead by now? Lawrence suggested I see a doctor, but the hospital staff are getting pretty tired with me showing up.

February 27

My father said he is going on a business trip tomorrow (even though he doesn’t work), so I have the house to myself. I think I’ll have a party. I’ll invite Herbert and Lawrence round.

February 28

The party seems to have gotten out of hand. Though I only invited Herbert and Lawrence, half the school seemed to show up, and seemed happy to disrespect my house…and myself. Bruce and his pal, Malcolm, decided I would make a good doormat, and I got trodden on a great deal as more people poured into the house. Lawrence tried to keep things under control, but he lost his glasses and was rendered blind (I think Bruce made him eat them). Herbert tried to tackle Malcolm to the floor, but ended up tackling himself to the floor.
    When I finally relieved myself of being a doormat, I saw the house was a complete mess. People had brought alcohol and were consuming it. I tried to stop them, with little success. However, when I saw that Jessica was rather drunk, I decided to take advantage. I put my arm around her, but she broke it. I’m being rushed to hospital as I write this (with my left hand). Lawrence is in the ambulance with me. Apparently, his glasses have ended up in his lungs and he can’t breathe very well.

March 1

When I got home again the next morning, my house looked as if an explosion had gone off inside it. I tried to clean it all up, but my dad came up, saw the mess, and had a fit. Literally. He had to be rushed to hospital. When he was discharged, he punched me very hard in the face. I had to be rushed to hospital.

March 4

Brian has exploded. Poor thing.

March 5

My dad exploded when he saw the mess exploding Brian had caused. He had to be rushed to hospital.

March 6
Bruce laughed when he heard my dog had exploded. Herbert was complaining, he wanted Boris to explode as well because she had been causing a large mess in the house. I did my English report on the incident as well. Mr Clogg didn’t believe me that my dog had really exploded and I had to face the wall for half an hour (I actually spent fifteen hours there because I fell asleep).

March 7

I tripped up Ronald in the lunch queue today, and his face went into the ‘Goo of the Day’. He started crying and told me he would get his dad to arrest me. Yeah, right, as if his dad really is a policeman…

March 8

I’m sweating now. It turns out Ronald’s father is, in fact, a policeman. He could arrest me at any moment. I’ve packed all my Star Wars stuff in case he knocks on my door. Malcolm laughed in my face when he found out what had happened, and started taunting me. He told me his gay cousin, Gavin, would bum me until I exploded like Brian. I don’t want to explode. Please, Ronald’s father, don’t arrest me.

March 9

God visited me in a dream last night. Well, I thought it was God. It was actually my drunken father looming over my bed. However, it changed my life. I decided to go straight from now on. No bullying, no tripping Ronald up, no removing all the toilet paper from the cubicles (and that was Lawrence’s idea, anyway).
    To make up for my sin, I decided to let Ronald trip me up. However, he’s almost as weak as Lawrence. He simply fell over his own foot and landed on Bruce, with catastrophic consequences. Ronald is now in hospital, and Jack, his father, is looking for revenge. Ooh, maybe he’ll arrest Bruce and then I’ll finally be safe.

March 10

Eugene blamed me for Ronald’s accident yesterday. He told Bruce that I wasn’t wearing any underwear. This was true because I had been at Herbert’s house last night and Boris had shredded them. Bruce gleefully pulled my pants down and made me dance in front of the school. I saw Jessica laughing and pointing at my exposed genitals. I tried to go over to her and explain it was because it was a very cold day, but I tripped up and smashed my face on the concrete. I was rushed to hospital.

March 11

Dad won the lottery…and then accidentally ate the ticket! Stupid father!

March 12

Bruce shoved me in a postbox. It’s rather cramped and uncomfortable. I tried shouting, but the homeless guy lying nearby told me that ‘some people were trying to get some sleep’.

March 13

Still in the postbox. Blood has not circulated through my legs for at least twenty-four hours now. They will probably drop off soon.

March 14

Still in the postbox. I had taken to drinking the saliva on the stamps of the letters to survive. By some miracle, I found a letter that was posted to George Lucas all about the Star Wars film franchise. I enjoyed reading it very much, but I wouldn’t mind getting out of here.

March 17

It is St Patrick's Day today. I hope there will be a St Jeremy day one day. Probably not if I don't get out of this wretched postbox.

March 20

The postman finally let me out of the postbox. I was rushed to hospital because of lack of food and water. Jack tried to arrest Bruce, but he punched him in the nether regions and Jack had to be rushed to hospital. The hospital staff are getting quite annoyed, it seems. A doctor and a nurse had to stop having sex on a bed to make room for Eugene, who had been brought in because Bruce had made him stand on his head for a week, and his organs had slid into his skull.

March 22

Finally come out of hospital again. Eugene was still in, though, so Lawrence, Herbert and I were able to use the geek room. I tore down all the Star Trek posters and sold them on eBay.

March 23

Herbert, Lawrence and I have joined a conservation group. We have to clean up litter and protect the environment. Our first task was to clean the stream. We fished out all the beer cans and Herbert only fell in twice (the second time he was nearly killed by a pike). I then saw Malcolm urinating in the stream. I politely told him the situation, and he kindly stopped urinating in the water. He found that my mouth was a better substitute. I think I may have contracted a disease from it. I am rushing myself to hospital.

March 24

Without even checking me over, the hospital staff threw me out and said I was fine. I was ran over by an ambulance in the hospital car park. I was left where I was.

March 26

I have now recovered from the accident. My doctors say my body is on the verge of breaking down completely, so I should avoid doing anything (though I think they said this because they are tired of seeing me at the hospital and telling the staff about inaccuracies in the Star Wars films). However, I took their advise and played chess with Herbert all day. Herbert won and I launched the chess board across the room. It bounced off a wall and hit me in the face. I was rushed to hospital. The hospital staff rushed me out, and threw me into a canal in frustration. I was fished out and rushed to hospital. The hospital manager committed suicide.

March 27

There’s a new kid in school. He’s called Terence. He’s a pale, sickly boy who is sick everywhere. He became ill in the dinner queue and threw up in the bean vat. The dinner lady served it nonetheless. Everyone was sick everywhere.

March 28

We’re going on a trip to the zoo next week. I am quite apprehensive about that, mainly because I am scared of most animals. Especially Brutus. Every time I go round to Lawrence’s house, Brutus jumps over the garden fence and tries to kill me. Fergus does very little to stop him, and even encouraged him last time. What a horrid man he is!
    In other news, Terence is still causing a commotion at school. However, this time, it was to my advantage. I was about two minutes away from getting –3 on my geography test (the minus points would have resulted from me breaking my globe), when Terence was sick everywhere. In the interests of health and safety, everyone was evacuated, and the test papers were lost. Not as amusing was the fact that Terence was sick over my Star Wars Guide to the Galaxy…

March 29

I asked Jessica out today. The results were unsurprising. She slapped me so hard that I think my neck is broke. I am being rushed to hospital.

March 30

The hospital has closed down. There is a sign outside that says, ‘Closed due to…er…gas leak’. I don’t believe this. I think they saw me coming and just pretended to be closed. I’m going to have Herbert to check it out…

March 31

Herbert says the hospital is running as normal now. I am very annoyed at this fact. My neck could actually have been broken and I would probably be dead now. I have a right mind to sue the hospital. Oh dear, it’s April Fool’s day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. Last year, he made me eat bleach until I had to be colonically irrigated, and my organs had to be sewed together to stop them sliding out my anus when I went to the toilet. I hope everyone forgets what day it is tomorrow…