Diary of a Cheater- Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Road to Self-Destruction

         It had been a few months since my failed suicide attempt and I hadn’t really talked to many people. I started to go to youth group at church a lot. It’s not that I had become spiritual. It was just a great way to hang out with people once a week.
         I met Alicia there. For me Alicia wasn’t hot but she was someone to go to movies with. She lived in another city about a 40 minute drive from where I lived. At first we didn’t meet so often. That’s when things were good.
         On our first date we went with James and his girlfriend Tina to a movie. I had borrowed my mothers Bronco to drive all of us there. After the movie we all went back to James’ house so he could take the girls home. Alicia didn’t feel like going home yet. So we stayed there for a while longer before she decided that it was time for her and me to leave. I really didn’t know where she lived so I had to let her give me directions. I thought something was up and confirmed it when she gave me directions to the middle of no where. We parked and moved to the back seat of the car.
         She looked at me and asked me what I would like to do. I still hadn’t gotten this sex thing down yet. The only girl I ever had sex with up at that point was Jessica and I loved her. I didn’t know if I could bring myself to have sex with someone that I knew I didn’t love. She wrapped her legs around me. My heart was beating so fast and I could feel the sweat dripping down my chest.
“Honestly? I’d just like to Talk” I told her to keep the situation from escalating.
“Hmm. OK.” She replied with a sort of disappointment in her face.
         We spent all night in the back of my mother’s bronco just talking. We mainly talked about us but also a lot of nothing. I didn’t have any interest in having sex with her on that first day. I think that’s what kept me with her for so long. She was officially my girlfriend at that point.
         We drove off in the morning and headed for Canton where her grandmother lived. She thought it would be easier to go there than to go home and get yelled at for being out all night. It turns out she was wrong. Her grandmother was pist off and gave me the dirtiest look I’ve seen in my life. She hated me and I could tell. It turns out that her mother and my mother were both looking for us all night. They had even called the police. When they found out that we had showed up at her grandmother’s house they called the Canton police to pick us up and take us to the station to wait for them to come. I’d never been in the back of a police car before. It was cramped. I didn’t like the feeling of being restricted. For what reason? For being out all night? For trying to find someone to love me? I felt it was all unfair. My mother had been through two divorces and was now living with some man I really didn’t know well. Why was she so angry at me?
         My mother and I got into a very bad argument after returning home. She shouted at me asking me what the hell I was thinking. And like the stupid teenager that I was I shouted back telling her that I didn’t care what she thought and she didn’t have the right to shout at me when she was a whore herself. My mother and I haven’t had the same relationship since I said those words.

Alicia and my relationship lasted a whole 6 months. I don’t know why I kept it going for that long. When you’re young, you’re horny. That’s all the ever seemed to be to our relationship: sex. She really loved her sex. Every night I would see her we would go at it 3 or 4 times if we could. I didn’t know how to please a woman then and frankly I didn’t really seem to care that much about it.
         She and I would fight often. That’s what happens when you have no real basis for a relationship. I’m pretty sure that she cheated on me many times. She once had her ex-boyfriend come and stay at her place. She said I shouldn’t think much and that she only loved me, but I knew that was a lie. She was good at that, lying.
         There came a point when I couldn’t stand it anymore. I told her that I think it is best that we don’t see each other again. Up to that point I had never heard a complaint from a girl about breaking up with her. I started to feel as if there was something wrong with me.
         A few weeks passed after Alicia and I broke up. I wasn’t hurting because I knew how to handle my feelings a bit better this time. One night she called me up and dropped a bombshell on me. She revealed that she was pregnant. I didn’t know what to do. Damn, they teach you about safe sex in school but you never really think about it while you’re in the middle of it. What was I going to do this time? How could I handle the situation? I did the only thing I knew how to do.
         I asked her if she wanted to keep the baby. She said yes. So I told her that I would be there for her.
         17. That’s how old I was 17 years old and I was going to be a father already. I decided that it’s probably best that I find a job and work full time. I wanted to quit school.
         Sitting there in the principles office talking to my mother before he came in I felt as if I had ruined my entire life. That because I was too busy having sex and not paying attention to the consequences I would be stuck in some dead end job working for minimum wage for the rest of my life. After the principle walked in I told him that I wanted to quit school. I remember how easy it was for my brother. He just walked in said he wanted to quit, signed a paper then left. Although it was easy for him, everyone was keen on not letting me quit. We talked about it for about an hour or so until I decided that maybe I shouldn’t quit. I could work and still go to school. I could try to make something out of my life.
         Alicia was angry. She stopped returning my phone calls. I didn’t see her again until she had the baby.