Life at the end of the night.

Isa opened her eyes, feeling troubled. Love was bleeding inside of her, like an opened wound.



One evening, three weeks previous to this state of undying ordeal, her beloved Trevor had come to her with a plan she could not refuse. They were to get away from the rush of everyday’s life to a place where time often seemed to stop.



For all the time she had known Trevor she felt as if she only knew about him what he meant for others to know. He was the kind of guy that loved to have fun above all and would need to deal with a lot of adventurous circumstances before he would even consider settling down… but still in all that fun he showed enough passion for a woman to fall deeply in love with him.



The fourteen days they had been traveling together had been intense… but after their return she noticed that something was crumbling right in front of her eyes and she wasn’t able to define what.



She finally realized that evening, after waking up alone in the bed they had shared, that her loved one was gone. Two nights before he was in her arms, they had loved each other with same passion as every time when all of a sudden he had gotten up and had decided to break up because he was sick of being there… Isa could not understand why he had said so… everything seemed to be so fine and then this! Ever since he left, a horrible feeling of hollowness invaded her soul, a sensation that only death could fulfil. She asked herself endless questions about any spoken word that could have been misunderstood, anything that could have been wrongfully done. So many doubts assailed her that she had lost her willing to do anything worthy…

She couldn’t understand how easily could the infatuation they had both felt for many months already, be buried and left forgotten, forsaken… she sobbed, like many times before, when she had the same horrid sensation that something wasn’t right.





                                                                * * *



The door leading to the hallway was partially opened. She remembered closing it before going to bed. But it was opened now and a chilling breeze froze the corridor and the bedroom.



Isa rose from her bed and went to check for opened windows. She found nothing out of the ordinary expect for her diary, which lied on the living-room floor, opened, facing down. She held her hands on her chest, wondering how could this notebook, which she had left on top of her night table, end up here. She thought about the possibility of walking in her sleep again, like she did when she was a child, and did only when something very bad troubled her. She had had a terrible childhood, living with her alcoholic parents, abused by an older brother, underfed and abandoned to her own fate. But all this changed when old enough to be by herself she applied to Med school and left her family and the misfortune that they had brought upon themselves.



Now, if the same awful condition of which she had gotten rid of many years ago had appeared again it meant that her spirits were not at rest and that she had lost all her will to go on.



She picked up the diary and moved to sit on the couch. She was hungry and thirsty, but she didn’t care much about it. Neither had she cared about checking if Trevor’s number was displayed on the telephone’ small screen. She was tired of seeking deep inside her soul the one thing that could have driven Trevor away. She was exhausted of looking for starving wolves inside the deep forest that was now her entangled brain, of trying to believe in those ghosts that could make her fly and reach his arms, wherever he had flown. She could not stand anymore the desire of being his again and again. What was she supposed to believe, in tomorrow, when tomorrow had always been so ambiguous to her… she bled again. Then, trying to catch her breath, she sobbed.



The pain and the anguish hurt deep inside… but she needed to move on.



                                                                  * * *



Isa’s telephone buzzed. She was coming out of the toilet, her eyes flooded with tears, her breath abandoning her slowly but surely…



Her soft fingers massaged her forehead while the telephone continued ringing; but she didn’t mind who could be, not even if Trevor was the one at the end of the line… although it could have been a relief if he had called…



The small device that she held in her trembling hands could not be wrong – she had tried at least three times and it always came to the same conclusion – positive.



Silence invaded the room, only Isa’s sobs conquered her space. How could she have allowed something like that to happen? Trevor had promised to protect her. She knew that during their trip they had been less cautious; still she counted on her body’s temperature every time to avoid an unwanted surprise. But he probably knew that what they were doing wasn’t necessarily right, but still he urged to go on when Isa asked him to stop… but he hadn’t and now she was carrying his seed inside of her… and hopelessly, after having practiced a few abortions, her doctor had told her that the next time, if she ever wanted to have a child, she would have to carry on with the pregnancy.



With no news of her beloved Trevor, without any way of reaching him she would have to do all by herself. Perhaps some friends would come to help her, but she dared not to call any of them for they always told her that Trevor wasn’t worthy and that he would leave her as soon as he would feel that their relationship was way too compromising… they all saw it better, but she never did; she was blinded by love, by passion and she always declined to such inanities – as she used to call her best friends’ opinions.



Now inanity was what her life had become and the decision that she would have to make, whether to have that child or have no children at all. She loved children, but circumstances weren’t much on her side every time she got pregnant. To practice abortion had become a choice that went against her principles and she had to get over it… she didn’t want to kill another being, and mostly, she realised, because it was Trevor’s. Even when he had left her in such terrible pain, she loved him and hoped still that one day he would come back and they would live happily ever after. She was a dreamer and she knew it. She believed too much in happy endings and why not? After all, after he had left, it couldn’t have gotten any worse. At some point, good things were supposed to begin to happen.



She moved to the phone with such resolution that she hadn’t ever believed herself capable of and regardless the number and name displayed on the telephone; she called her best friend Odile. Telling every detail of what her relation with Trevor had been, the moment he left and the second she knew that she was baring his child, she made up her mind… Odile, had been her friend ever since they were very little. She had told Isa, that she was there for her and even when she was one of those who told her that their relation wouldn’t last, she agreed to help her with all she needed; of being there with her when the moment would come… you are my friend, above all things. How could I let you down? She simply said.



                                                                  *  *  *                                                                           



Nine months passed too fast to even realise that time actually flies. Isa worked a lot to gather enough money for after the birth of Kevin… it was a boy. Trevor would have liked to have a boy first, to teach him in man’s manners, to do sports with him, to fill him with the energy that he possessed himself. Then he would have liked a girl, for her mother to teach her those manners that only beautiful princesses have… things that only Isa could teach her, how to sing, how to dance, how to knit and to embroider and how to stay beautiful and young forever… these were all dreams, and things about which they both talked after they would so passionately love each other… they had never experienced such sensations before. They used to love each other as if they were teenagers, shy but intrepid, discovering every intricate alley of their bodies, their souls… and these dreams never dared to leave Isa’s head; they seemed to be eternally glued to her brain.



Kevin was born under the sign of Libra, one night when the full moon sprinkled its radiant light all over the cool fields… that night the wolves in the forest howled to the naissance of the most beautiful child… the beauty that both his parents had was melted together in one tiny but strong little creature… the shape of his eyes, his tiny nose, the little mouth slightly opened to breathe, to live… and Isa was the happiest mommy in the entire world… like every mother when they have their first, their second, third… child.



                                                                  *  *  *



Isa opened her eyes disturbed. It was three in the morning.



Over the bed, beside her, kneeled the vivid image of a man who seemed terribly in pain… then the image vanished.



She got up fast and when to check up on Kevin, who slept quietly in his cradle.



Isa went back to bed. But as soon as she fell asleep another terrible vision came to disturb her… this time it was a dream. She was shopping at the place where Trevor used to work. She had seen him as she’d walked in and then he had vanished again…



She woke again trembling, and moved fast to see if Kevin was all right. He slept pleasantly. She kissed him on the forehead and went back to bed.



At exactly seven o’clock in the morning a striking thought crossed her mind. This time in her subconscious, she had the certainty that the previous appearances were related to Trevor’s state of mind and that he was trying to send her a message, but what?



She got up and once again, went to check upon her baby boy. He was stretching slightly on his little bed and Isa smiled, taking him in her arms and holding him strong… it had taken her a lot of time to apprehend but then, when she held her son in her arms, she knew that she was finally happy.



But the thought that Trevor could be in trouble harassed her and the notion that she had no means of contacting him troubled her even more.



She called Odile, asked her to find out… her friend would do whatever it would take.



As soon as Isa hung up the phone rang and she jumped on her feet, startled.



Approaching, she picked up, without even watching the name displayed on the screen. It was Trevor…



Hearing each other’s voice was like suddenly waking up from a horrible nightmare… none of them had words but they talked still, apologizing, weeping, laughing… what was happening then, it was unbelievable… such desire contained and now transmitted to each other through the metallic waves of a telephone line…



                                                                        *  *  *



Kevin was fast asleep when the doorbell rang. Isa rushed to the door. She was expecting Trevor for there were so many questions to be answered… she needed to slap him on the face to let such desperate anger be released at last. She needed to look at him in the eyes; she needed to remember what she felt before and make sure of what she was feeling then. But as soon as she opened and Trevor passed the threshold, she stopped from doing anything at all… it felt as if the world had suddenly stopped its inevitable course. The moment he looked at her with the same indomitable sight she was ready to forget and forgive.



She let him speak… he said about his frantic need for freedom but as soon as he left he knew that he wasn’t doing right. He was afraid to go back then. All this time that he had been away from Isa was enough for him to know that he desired to spend the rest of his life with her. He was ready to do whatever it would take to win back all lost yesterdays by promising her the best of tomorrow.



When Kevin woke up both parents were sitting next to him, watching him stretch and make soft sounds. He could know by his mother’s breath that everything was fine. He also knew that something in this stranger’s face wasn’t so unfamiliar.



A soft smile widened the baby’s lips… it was the most innocent and purest smile Trevor had ever seen. His heart pounded faster than when he had met Isa… he knew then that he belonged right there.