Separation and the Soul

My marriage is over, the choice was mine
I fell out of love with my wife of almost 15 years
We talked about it afterwards
I should have talked about how I felt before
My mind replays arguments I never made
I never said to her the thoughts I had
And before I knew it, I had fallen out of love
She always blamed me for things going wrong
Words went through my mind but never made it to my mouth
I just accepted the blame like a good man should
Let the anger burn bright in my soul
If only I had let the words leave my mind and leave my mouth
To show how I felt to prove my worth
But I failed at that as surely as I failed my marriage
My feelings of guilt are well justified
Even though when we spoke, she said she felt the same
Do I believe her? I don’t honestly know
It could have been her hurt, her anger, and her disappointment
That made her say that she didn’t love me either
I feel like a failure, that I didn’t do enough
And these thoughts are constantly in my mind
Torturing my conscience for ever more
I don’t ask for your pity, for I deserve none
I don’t want people to be on my side
All I want is for people to know
That what I did was the right thing and that it was the hardest choice of my life
It isn’t like it is shown in the movies
There is no easy way to do it, there is always hurt and anger
And the disappointment on the faces of family and friends
But it isn’t right to raise children in a loveless marriage
My wife agreed with me but that doesn’t mean she is happy about it
She told me she felt the same, that she didn’t love me either.
I hope that her hurt will abate and that her anger will be tempered by time
She was my best friend, as I was hers
And I feel the loss of her friendship more than anything else
It isn’t easy finding a best friend, its not like you can just buy one
But I have found one, who I love and cherish
But my feelings of failure seem bent on pushing her away
How can I love another, when my first love ended in failure
The hopelessness in my heart is threatening to bring me down
I have failed my wife, my beautiful daughters
And now I fear I am failing my new love.
I try to think positively, to push it from my mind
But the thoughts of failure are always just below the surface of my thoughts
If I truly believed I would pray to god
But I am sure he has more important matters on his mind
But as I sit and write these thoughts
My mind is becoming clearer
I can feel the weight of these thoughts lifting from my mind
It’s like a fond memory at the edge of your awareness
That suddenly becomes clearer and more memorable
I know that these feelings of failure will become less
And I know it will be a journey both long and troubling
But my first steps are being taken on the road to healing my soul
And I don’t ask forgiveness for these feelings
Came into being through a choice that I have made!