The Good Old Days: The Readable Edition

You would think that being in the good old days would mean much less chance at being pulled over for a DUI, but let me tell you, that is a misconception that the press tries to sell you. So what if there were no cars back then? That didn’t stop me from successfully driving a pig drunk. Yes, a pig drunk. I would have taken the horse out for a spin instead, but my son had taken it out for the opera, so I was stuck with the pig. Now, you may think that pigs are easy to drive, but that’s a lie. They’re surprisingly hard. Especially since the pig I was on was only two feet tall and was missing a leg. It being blind probably didn’t help either.

I took the pig out with the intentions of going to the new outlet mall (I know, they probably didn’t exist back then, but prove me wrong) but I got pulled over by a man riding a horse who said he was placing me under citizen’s arrest. Well, naturally I was pissed so I went to the brewery and drank my sorrows away.

Turns out I had a hearing the next day because apparently citizens’ arrest is a serious crime. That was news to me.

I arrived at the hearing completely and utterly smashed, and the judge just stared at me as I wobbled into the courtroom. He was baffled how I had the courage to walk in not only drunk, but also wearing nothing but a parka. I told him I wasn’t drunk, he was the one who was drunk, but that didn’t work as well as I had hoped it would. The almighty judge had me sit down at the table and plead my case. He also told me to try and explain how I had come to a DUI hearing drunk. I calmly explained to him that I wasn’t as think as he drunk I was, but that little comment only set me back. I tried to explain that driving a pig drunk should not be considered a crime, but rather it should be commended, because who in their right mind tries to drive a pig to an outlet mall? Seriously.

The judge sympathized with me and told me that if I would put some damn pants on and promise never to drink and drive a pig again, he wouldn’t sentence me to jail time and only make me do community service for a few years, which is where I will leave you now because I have to go make the world a better place by scrapping horse crap off the roads.