A Mother's Betrayal

    This story starts when I married my son's father or when we actually met nearly 20 years ago.  I fell in love not realizing that what I thought was going to last, was not meant to be at all.  I was 17, almost 18 and I knew that I was too young to get tied down.  So, we dated a few years before we married off and on.  I became pregnant with my daughter while we were apart by another man. I had her while I was living with who would become my son's father, only a few years later.  Six weeks after giving birth, we married and I knew before we said "I do" it was a mistake, but I was still very young and thought I would be able to change him and make things better.  Within months, I was pregnant again, but this time with our first born son. He ended up being nearly two months premature, so, he was in the NICU for 17 long days.  That meant that I would have two toddlers running around that were just 13 months apart and no real help from my husband.  He was always out drinking or partying.
    Two years into the marriage, I became pregnant again with our second son, but by this time, I was ready to get a divorce. I ended up filing for a restraining order against my husband because there was just too much abuse and the kids didn't need to witness any of that. So, I decided to have my mother care for my daughter and his mother care for our oldest son until we could come to an understanding or a reconciliation of some kind.  That didn't happen, so, I filed for divorce in June 1995. When I went back to get our oldest son from his mother, she wouldn't allow me to take him from her home. So, I immediately filed for divorce.
    Our second son was born in September and was also a premie, but not as early as our oldest boy. He had to have a blood transfusion to save his life and stay in NICU for 8 days. My husband denied that he was the father for a while after he was born, but started claiming him as his when the divorce was in full swing and the custody battle was in progress.
    The custody dispute lasted nearly two years and so did the divorce.  I was given visitation with my oldest son throughout the course of the divorce, but it was supervised. We were awarded joint custody of both boys between myself, my ex-husband and his mother. I had never really heard of a three-way joint custody agreement up until then. I decided to take her to court after the divorce was final to enforce the visitation and custody agreement because, for the most part, she would avoid allowing me the visitations or the contact with my son. After going to court a few times, I had to switch my focus on my other two children because it was becoming too much for me to handle all by myself.  As of today, I have yet to see him since he was five or six and he's 14 now. 
   
    Our youngest son, whom is 11 years old now has been way out of control for at least 9 months now and I've had to admit him into a behavioral health hospital and he's become very oppositional and defiant with me.  He's had many behavioral issues for many years and I believe it has to do with the fact that he doesn't see or talk to his brother and his father. However, there are many other reason's that have been in his everyday life for many years, too. My mom's husband and my mom are always being negative and complaining, arguing and fighting or blaming and not taking responsibility for themselves are just naming a few things. It has been effecting both of the children that are with me in more ways than one. I haven't been able to work since my right leg broke three years ago and now its taken its toll in a real serious way.  I feel like a failure as a mom when my kids aren't in a good place or with me.
    I'm not sure what is going to happen, but I signed the papers to send him to a residential treatment center for 9-12 months hoping it truly helps him see things in a different light. I have been so very angry with myself as well as my mom and her husband for making the kids miserable and not staying positive and happy and getting them out of my mom's so much sooner than this. Yet, I realize that its extremely difficult being a single parent in this day and age with more than one physical limitation.
    I was feeling more connected to my son before I signed those papers and talked to him when I got home.  He's not cooperating at all and has even asked me to adopt him out to foster care or something if I don't bring him home soon.  I feel like I've lost him like I've lost my oldest son. I also almost feel like I've lost my daughter and the bond that we've had, too, after all that we've had to go through all these years.  I know I'm going all over the place, but I'm so confused and hurting right now that I'm just expressing my feelings as they come up.