Disproportionate Technology

Well, I was off to build my super collider, hell, why should Texas have all the fun,..

The first thing I needed to do, was provide a solid insular environment for the device,. So I go out back and start to dig a cavernous bunker to isolate the unit,..

After I got down about a foot, I decided that this being New England and all, the bedrock would be enough to support the structure, ...that and a half dozen handy sawhorses .
Hell they drove a glacier through here and didn’t shake the place up much,.

So next I needed to create the circular accelerator tube,
Digging in a pile of old junk I came up with enough stove pipe to make two 15 foot circle ,.. eh it would have to do,..

Next comes the fist stage linear accelerators,

This was pretty easily achieved by using a couple old potato cannons I had kicking around,
Testing them to be sure they worked still, I blasted a dozen or so rounds from each into the neighbors yard,
Other than upsetting the dammed yap dog in one of the apartments the testing went smoothly, though I used up a two pound bag of potatoes and a can of propane,.
But it was in the name of research,.. so all was good,..

I labeled the cannons with a black sharpie, now to be known as the LA units,
It’s necessary to keep these things on a firm, scientifically based footing, you understand, or the whole project could go to hell,..
Fitting the LA units, in opposing directions, to an appropriate mount, with about ten feet of duct tape.
Closely calculating the right angle of entry with a ruler and a sharp eye,. .

There’s no discounting a skilled technician

I then needed to decide on what I was going to super conduct into collision,..
Since there was no way I was going to see something as small as an electron, even if I cleaned my glasses, I needed something a bit bigger,.. so I opted to search for a larger item,..
I contemplated half a bag of peanut m&ms but they fell victim to the ways of research and became a snack,..
After rejecting several other likely projectile like items, I decided that a pound of stale coffee beans, that had been kicking around the pantry for a while would fill the bill ,..

Using my innate conceptual abilities, and a good dose of laziness, I decided to combine the three stages of energy boosters into one hybrid unit.
So the low, medium and high energy boosters (known in the trade as LEB, MEB, and HEB respectively) would get labeled, Hybrid Energy Bundled Induction Generator Electronic Booster Inclusive (HEBIGEBI).
A good name I thought..,.

This stage of the project came from the junk pile too, about a thousand feet of old magnet wire and a bunch of broken speaker magnets wrapped in a precise pattern, to create a pulsed magnetic acceleration field, this controlled by a device from a flashing vacancy sign, that used to hang on front of the condemned motel down the road,..
The whole thing prettied up and secured to the tube with almost a whole roll of duct tape,.. this project was starting to drain the budget!..
Writing HEBIGEBI in plain view of the tubes made me feel a sense of accomplishment,..

The last section was the Collider itself,..
This I found in a stash of large plastic tubing from a convenience store display for cigarettes, since I was doing the observation physically I needed the view to be accessible.
Attaching the two accelerator units together with this tube, with yet more duct tape, boy my wallet is crying , right about now,..
Out with the trusty sharpie on the plastic I wrote Collider,
I was now ready to get this baby working!,..
Wiring the controls and setting up a folding chair for easy observation, as well as dragging the hose out and filling a couple bucket with water,.

For those of you not hep to this hi tech thing, these experiments can cause a lot of heat,.. some times even from the authorities, but the hose doesn’t help there,.. or an occasional fire!
As it is, the fire department isn’t happy with me, over that gazebo burning down, from the fireworks last month , so I opted for safety,..

So all that was left was to prepare the beans,

Since they were of organic composition, I needed to prepare them so the magnetic field would influence their speed .
The best way to do this, would be to plate them with copper or silver,.. but since the afternoon was quickly waning, I thought a couple coats of aluminum paint would do the trick ,.

I went inside to grab some popcorn for the show and set to work readying the first and maybe only super collider experiment to happen on the eastern seaboard,.. well,.. in this back yard anyway,..

I ran an extension cord to the collider and plugged in the control box,
The tube instantly started to surge with potential field effect energies,
Next I loaded the LA’s with gas and beans,..(watch it!)

Retiring to the viewing, station I filled my mouth with popcorn and chewed as I threw the activating switch,..
The events happened so quickly that I almost spewed popcorn in shock,..
The charges form the LA’s sent the painted coffee beans flying into the HEBIGEBI field tubes, which accelerated them to amazing speeds , and upon colliding in the Collider tube, (see all that labeling kept things so clear!), they exploded in a flash of light that sent me ass over tea kettle, sundering the plastic of the Collider and scattering debris all over the yard,..

Gathering my wits about me, I stood up and assayed the damage, scanning the yard for potential hazards,

I noticed that one of the buckets of water was glowing in the quickly gathering dusk of days end,..
Approaching it cautiously I looked with wonder at what must have been the results of the experiment,

Tentatively dipping a cup into the bucket , I brought the liquid to my nose, the aroma of freshly roasted coffee assailed my senses,
Throwing caution to the wind I sipped the potent liquor, and then drained the cup,..

My mind reeled and the over powering desire for sleep took me in its spell, and as I sank to the ground in slumber my last waking thought was to lament the waste all that work!

Just to create anti-caffeine!!