Blabbings

December 9, 2006 ~ Knowing

         We don't know. After all, how could we? We're still growing up. We're still learning what's right, wrong, and about all that gray area in between. We're stupid, we're slow, we're pessimistic, we're clumsy. We think we know everything because everything in our mind is everything we have experienced. Our vision is so narrow to the things we know we know, that we don't really acknowledge what lies beyond. That is, until we experience something new that widens our scope. And when we die, we still don't know. We're scared of the cancer that will kill us in two months, or the unexpected death we could have tomorrow. What we are really frightened of all our lives is what, in the end, we don't know. No matter what we're taught by our parents, teachers, or the Bible, we don't know what happens after death. We may believe we know, but there is always that shadow of a doubt that says: what if when I die, I really die? It is the unknown that we fear.
         That is why when we head towards a mistake, we cower in the field of vision that our experiences have created for us. We don't know what's coming, even if we know something is. Even if we know that our decisions will lead to something bad, we still make them. We still head on blindly towards what our perceptions tell us we should do. Sometimes, the fear of what will happen when we make an unfamiliar decision is worse in our minds than making a decision we know to be wrong. We don't want to grow up, we don't want to experience, we want to thwart change and stay in the cages we have built for ourselves.
         And when we do meet the unfamiliar, whether by our actions or what some would call fate, we learn. It can be hard, brutal, and force us to come to terms with faults of our own, but it is the most important thing in life. If we didn't feel guilt, if we didn't make mistakes, we would never hear the warning signs the next time we were faced wtih the same choice. We are wrong. We are tired. We are scared. And we are ready to give up when life throws us astray.
         So how do we keep going? How is it that, when we are faced with a tourrent of hardship and depression, we can still wake up the next morning and go on with life?

         I don't know, and maybe I never will.
         But isn't that the point? ¤



September 14, 2006 ~ Pledge of Allegiance

         First of all, I would like start this entry by saying I don't care if you agree with my viewpoint or not. So if you want to post replies that say "you're un-Patriotic!" don't bother. I'll just delete it.
         The morning announcements today were very interesting, to say the least. Our principal Mr. Lane got on the speaker to say something to the affect of: "I would like to say a few words about the Pledge of Allegiance. You are not required to recite the Pledge, but you are required to stand. Not standing is one of the most disrespectful things you can do."
         Needless to say, I was completely shocked. The fact that our principal actually TOLD the student body they have to stand astounded me.
         Contrary to what we are told by certain administrators and teachers, we are NOT required to stand. They want us to, but we do not have to. It is within our legal right as American citizens to not stand if we so wish.
         I am an atheist. I refuse to stand for the Pledge until the words "under God" are taken out. Some may argue that it is not an attack on atheists, but really.. it is. When the Pledge was first drafted and instituted, the words "under God" were not included. It was not until the McCarthy era that they were put in. As you should remember from history class, Senator McCarthy and his followers did all they could do to find and prosecute communists. And as you also should remember, all communists are, by definition, atheists. The "under God" portion was added in as an attack on ATHEISTS. Therefore, being forced to participate in the Pledge of Allegiance is a violation of my rights of freedom of religion.
         But let's ignore the religion factor for now. Say I was an average American student who simply did not agree with government policies or the current Administration. I would have the right to sit during the Pledge as a silent protest against our government. Whether you agree with my decision or not does not matter. What matters is that I have the right, and this right cannot be infringed upon.
         What gives us the right to sit?
         Simple. Our country was based upon the principles of freedom and equality. We have many rights of which are not directly mentioned in the Constitution but are assumed. One of these rights is the right to dissent. This is one of the most fundamental rights we have as American citizens. Without the right to dissent, how can we change government? How can we protest? The answer is also very simple: we cannot.
         By not standing for the Pledge of Allegiance, no matter what the reason, I am excersizing my right as an American citizen to dissent. Some may call me unpatriotic. In fact, my math teacher last year, Mrs. Tolis, told me that directly to my face. My answer? One definition of a patriot is this: "a person who regards himself or herself as a defender, esp. of individual rights, against presumed interference by the federal government." By excercising my rights and defending my rights, I am being patriotic. It is because I believe in the values the United States was founded upon that I defend my rights so vigorously.
         So any who criticise me for doing so: that is your right as well. Isn't that the beauty of dissent? We are allowed to have differing opinions, and we must always believe that by peaceful protest, we can change our government. ¤




August 31, 2006 ~ It starts again -- September 6th

There is a thing we students have that makes our stomachs twist into unbreakable knots. It forces us to relive every single memory of dreading what is to come, and fear once again becomes a part of our daily lives.
Sunday night.
11 PM.

         It starts as a slight tug on the conscience. At first we do not quite realize what we know we are supposed to remember, but as the ticking of the clock breaks a second, our hearts drop. Homework. School. Class. Grades. Deadlines. In the span of two seconds we go from watching the television, chatting with friends, or playing video games, to the most lonely and depressive state we can endure. Panic begins to set in. Do I have time? How much was I supposed to do? Is that project due tomorrow, or the day after? Tomorrow is Monday, right? As our minds tumble through a barage of rheuminations, we cannot help the inevitable syndrome from kicking in--fight or flight. Stay up until 2AM dilligently scribbling in our notebooks, or go to school the next day with an excuse ready in our minds? "I was working until closing yesterday, and by the time I got home I was just too tired to stay up." "I'm so sorry, I left it at home... can I email you the paper when I get home from work later tonight?" And the classic, Should I "sleep late" and come to school after class?
         Although most of these scenarios usually boil down to an unconsequential no, we are left wondering... how many more of these all nighters can I bear?
         As the year goes by, the cycle of procrastination and realization is in constant motion. It spins and spins until we are left dizzy and tired, unable to take it anymore. Still, we trudge along, working all night and half-sleeping in class the next day. When summer finally comes, it is not a moment too soon. Although we have worn ourselves down night after night, and begin to hate even the mention of school, we do hold hope for the future. Will next year be any better? Yes. Yes, it will. I will try harder, I won't procrastinate. I'll finish my assignments on time and stay organized.
         And now I sit thinking, Are you serious? Every year ends up being the same. We try for a while, slack off, and end the year biting our nails in frustration and worry. I could say that I will try harder, and I could even tell you that I will ace all my classes, even the two AP.

...But if I were you, I wouldn't believe a word of it. ¤

August 28, 2006 ~ Search for the middle man

         In my experience, there are three types of men: the clingy, the promiscuous, and the middle-man.
         The Clingy Man is the one who loves you more than you love him. He is always there for you with whatever you desire. The relationship is nice, sweet, and safe. Clingy Man can be either romantic or down the earth, but you find yourself liking CM more when he is romantic. He makes you feel at ease with everything you do, and exploring new areas both emotionally and sexually seem a breeze. Whether you make mistakes that would normally embarass you, or you slide into the relationship with ease, he is understanding. This is the safe relationship, the kind of relationship that most women wish they could have. But the truth is, once you have it... you don't want it anymore. You find CM is too touchy feeling, is interested in many public displays of affection, and to break up with him... that would be unthinkable. Although you may find yourself desiring someone else, or simply to be single again, you simply cannot flush CM down the toilet. He sweet talks all your troubles away when you are with him, as well as all your doubts about where the relationship is going. This is the part women find very appealing. The trouble is, it's not like that all the time. When you're alone or in the company of others without CM, you seem to forget all about him, and the only time he may cross your mind is when you think--"Oh, wait.. can't give him my number, I'm seeing someone." This is the trouble with CM. He's the best of one world, and the worst of the other.
         Where Cling Man is on one side of the relationship spectrum, Promiscuous Man is on the other. He's the fuck buddy, simply put. Whether you are interested in a relationship with him or not, you always find yourself wanting him. Maybe it's the tattoos that dance when he flexes, or suave way in which he does pretty much everything. But mostly, it's just because you're sexually attracted to him. And not attractive in a regular, I-want-to-date-you kind of way. PM just exudes sexiness. And whether or not the sex is actually good, you still go back wanting more. The trouble with this relationship is that even if there is romance, it only exists to reach the finale. And once that's done, PM will find a myriad of excuses to be gone before the end of the night. Some women like this, some do not. There are women who are hurt by this type of relationship because they genuinely like PM for more than sex, and women who use PM in the same way he uses them. Either way, it is simply a means to an end, and nothing more. PM is interested in one thing and one thing only: companionship when he needs it, and to be left alone every other time of the day.
         It is the way of the world that Types 1 & 2 are the most common men you will date. Whether it is because you're more attracted to them, or some other reason, the fact remains that the least common man you will end up having a relationship with is the ever elusive Middle-Man. The one who will give you your space when you need it and don't ask for it, but will be there for you when you do. He thinks of the relationship as a journey: you have the good, the bad, and the ugly. But as you go through each step in the relationship, he is understanding in a way that is not clingy, but is not distant. MM is, in all possible ways, the perfect man. He is as conservative as he is liberal, and stands precisely in the middle. He's the best of both worlds. This is the man you don't just become comfortable with; rather, he is the one you fall in love with.
         So why does it seem we can never find the Middle Man? What makes him so elusive, that we end up with one side of the spectrum or the other? The fact of the matter is, these three types of men are not as recognizable on sight as they are once you date them. Few man fall into just one of these categories. You have to be with them to know how they will act, because they never seem the same when you're actually seeing them as they do when you're just friends. Nothing is perfectly black and white, although it might be nice if it was. Men mostly fall into the gray area; that messy, no emotions barred, might-break-your-heart type of way, land we call dating. When you start, you never know who you'll end up with when it's over. But with each new guy comes new experiences, until you finally find that one person who is perfect for you. Does he have to be the Middle Man? Of course not. In fact, the Middle Man is the goal; not the solution. You have to find your own middle ground, with your own personal level of intimacy. ¤





July 21, 2005 ~ Real Beauty

         I was at the Today Show last Thursday when I visited NYC. The special guests Katie Courik interviewed were the models for Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty. They were all gorgeous women, but most likely none of them (due to their real curves) would have been picked to model for anything else. There are a lot of billboards in NYC, and Dove put these women on a lot of them. Everywhere you looked you would see the campaign posters. And then hearing them talk about beauty and the world's view of beauty really got me thinking. According to the modeling industry, you have to be at least 5'7", around 110 lbs, and have a "high fashion face" to model and be "beautiful." This really disturbs me, because all women have their own beauty. The "elite" women who become supermodels, sure, they look great, but do they really mean anything to the general population who doesn't fit into that category? No.
         Issues such as weight and skin color rule the modeling world. The celebs and supermodels we see out there are mostly really skinny, and this sends the exact wrong message to girls everywhere. You don't need to be 110 lbs. to be beautiful. You are beautiful just the way you are. As long as you eat a good diet, try to exercise and remain active in your life, you are trying hard enough. Unless you are so obesce that it is dangerous to your health, then who cares if you weigh a little more?
         You're probably thinking "well you can't really talk, I mean.. you look like a model except for the height." My answer? I'm not happy with my weight; I would much rather weigh 120 instead of barely over 100. Being as skinny as I am is unhealthy, and all I really am is skin and bones, which in the end is not very attractive. And as for me being "pretty" as some people have told me? Well I don't think I'm any prettier than any of my friends, or even those of you whom I barely know. I am just as self conscious as the girl who weighs 160. Please, people... weight really does not matter if you're healthy. You're still beautiful, and a few extra pounds just means more for the mileage.
         As for skin color, I really wonder if the issue has ever really been resolved. There are far fewer African American models than white models, the same with Latino, etc. There should be more! If skin color really doesn't matter, than why isn't it more equal? And even if we're not talking about race, then let us talk about the tanned vs. the pale. In our society today, people expect you to get tanned in the summer and look like you came straight from the beaches. For some of us, tanning does not come easily--if at all. We are the fair skinned, most of us having Irish blood. Even if we wanted to engage in an activity that could very well leave us with skin cancer and wrinkles, we could not. I do not tan much at all; sitting outside for weeks straight will only give me a slight tan that to anyone else would just look like a slightly darker shade of pale. I applaud all the fair skinned women (and men) in the world who show off their white legs and don't give a rat's ass about what other people think. Because the people getting tanned are the people who will have more wrinkles later in life, anyway. I used to be so self conscious (and still kind of am) about going outside in shorts or skirts because--oh my gosh--I'm white! Pasty!
         I have learned that it does not matter what you look like, for you are beautiful anyway. You're as white as computer paper? You're 150 lbs.? You're 5'0''? Psh. You're so beautiful, you don't even know. Seriously, people. Society's image of beauty is really starting to piss me off, and it makes perfectly nice young women feel self conscious about their bodies all the time. I say it's time to really listen to the Campaign For Real Beauty, and be proud of ourselves even if the modeling industry would not accept us. Because in my opinion, everyone's beautiful enough to be a model anyway. ¤