A Message From the Cows

    From Bessie Bea, Lot 121, Head 36:

    On behalf of all cows, we wish to comment on recent events in the food market industry. Within the past five years we have seen a continued increase in the raising of turkeys, bison, and free range chickens. This has brought on a substantial decline in ground beef consumption and, quite frankly, we're concerned for our jobs.
    We are demanding better working conditions and more red meat consumption. We have outlined a plan to help get this country back on track with it's beef sales.

Step 1:
    Cows need better living conditions. Anyone who has driven across the midwest will know what I mean. We are forced to live on flat, thousand acre farms with little or no protection from the elements. I know  getting pelted with baseball size hail is just nature's way of tenderizing us. But damnit, it hurts. We have outlined a proposal which would create a $428 million live in facility in the middle of Kansas which would be the test market for properly raised cattle. This facility would include walking tracks, indoor swimming, volleyball, rock climbing, bungee jumping, and a thirty-screen multiplex. This would lead to a more active lifestyle for us, would strengthen our flabby cow muscles, and in turn produce a more enriched cut of beef.

Step 2:
    This would involve an all out media blitz against the poultry industry. We would focus on our arch nemesis, the chicken and then proceed through turkeys, duck, quail, etc. If we can drop chicken consumption 8% in the first two years, we stand a chance of survival. We will start producing made for tv documentaries discussing the long term benefits of eating red meat and the negative effects of chicken. For instance, eating chicken causes cancer. Now that hasn't been proven yet, but that's not the point. The point is, any living being that has eaten chicken either is, or will be dead at some time in their life. Chicken kills. This is the kind of negative reinforcement we are looking for.

Step 3:
    We are in the process of "meat"ing with the CEO of both KC Masterpiece and Gates BBQ Sauces. With their help, we hope to put together a collection of grilling books which only handle red meat. Remember, the more attention we draw on ourselves, the less focused the public will be on our enemy. Which, leads us into...

Step 4:
    Suicide bombings. We have put together a list of the top chicken coops and bison ranges in the nation. Drastic times call for drastic measures.  While the nation is focused on our books and tv shows, a select group of renegade cows will be dispatched through the nation to eliminate our enemies. Unfortunately, innocent cows will be killed; but these brave heroes are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for our cause.

    So there you have it. With this plan we will see a sharp increase in cow consumption. We are projecting a 31.8% increase by 2015, and the end of beef alternatives completely by 2030. We have been the staple of the American dinner for over four-hundred years and it is our duty to be raised, slaughtered, and eaten by the public. With that I bid you farewell and Godspeed. Now, somebody get me a burger.

                      -Message Ends-