Brittle

Today is just a day in which I can't go on.
My whole life has been spent, slowly wasting away.
Sitting alone,
There's nothing to do but watch TV
with empty beer bottles surrounding me.
Terrible,
Malicious images flash in my head.
Every now and then I get a glimpse of what I really want to see
But then the picture wanders away
With no destination in mind.
Today is just the climax
Of my lifelong journey to depression.

Surely there's an alternate ending?
Like a 'Romeo and Juliet' but with a harsh turn of hate,
In which Romeo smudges Juliet's tears
And muffles her screams with the pillow
On which both their heads once rested on
As a couple,
Until Juliet falls silent, dead, gone,
And then Romeo rushes out and leaves.
Leaves with his new lover...
No, it would never work.
There is no alternative.
Why be alternative, rather than myself?
I'll stick with my instincts.
I'll leave tonight.

Flashing images haunting me again.
Soldiers slaughtering fellow soldiers
All because two men, two leaders, can't get on with each other.
The world would be a much better place
If those two just stepped aside from their ego-driven differences.
On second thoughts,
It wouldn't affect me one little bit.
I'll still always be in this messed up state of mind.
Nothing will change me.
I'll leave now.

Winter air, warming to my exposed lungs.
Soaked in the rain in the black of the night,
I'm shivering, freezing, I feel so helpless.
Like a wounded man lay face down in a ditch by a highway.
Like a child without parents.
Like a so-called 'celebrity' without even a single penny.
Like a hunter with no prey.
Like a leading politician without the support of his nation.
Like a fly caught in the web of a spider.
Like a...
I could go on.
But I won't feed my imagination any longer.
I'm leaving...

I am so damn brittle,
Fragile,
Ready to just smash into millions of little pieces
and be blown away in the crushing wind.
Any little thing will push me over the edge,
But it would take a hell of a lot to make me better.
Pretty soon, I'll be that wounded man,
I'll be in that ditch by the highway.
No one will ever find me,
Concealed in my new hide-away.
My new home.
My grave.
I've lived for what seems like no reason at all.
In fact, it is exactly like that.
No one has loved me and I've loved no one.
Living alone, just me,
No one to hold on to when times get hard.
It just fuels my distress,
My disarray,
My depression.
But in the end,
That's why I was put here.

Hopefully, I'll meet my maker one day,
And I'll question him.
I'll ask him why he's put me through this.
Why he even bothered creating me.
I'll get the answers.
For now though, I'll just prepare myself,
In that ditch by the highway,
And tonight I'll sleep,
And I'll never wake.