The mask

The mask


If life is somethimg unfair, than I have received an over abundance of unfairness. Not only were you taken from me, but my dreams and hopes for you were also taken. From the day you were born. I saw your life in your little blue eyes. As i held your hand for your very first step, I realized you were not just taking your 'first step' for walking, but your first step toward your future. A future you have been denied.

A newborn life is precious, but i never knew how very precious until the night of your death. I had heard it said that the bigger you are, the more powerful you are, How untrue. For the virus that infected your body was so small, yet so powerful, it invaded your body without anyone knowing it was there.

As you lie there in your hospital crib, crying out to me to hold you, I picked you up. I comforted you, rocked you gently and after you fell asleep in my arms, laid you back down. I should have continued to hold you, caress your skin and kiss your face. Perhaps these things would have offered you comfort, as the pain inside you grew stonger. Instead, I gave way to selfishness. The selfishness of needing sleep and the belief that you were going to be all right.

Instead I awoke an hour later to the nurse holding your limp body in her arms and begging me to find help. I ran down the hallways of the hospital, screaming for help, Help to save you. Although the nurses and the doctor went to your side, the only help you received was being lifted from pain by deaths arms. I tried to fight my way back to your side, believing that if you felt my touch and heard my voice you would fight your way from death and back to life, Back to me.

I was denied the right to hold you, to touch you to comfort you. I was ordered to stand in the hallway just outside your room watching the doctor trying to revive your body. The words "I'm sorry, we have done all that we can" fell from the doctors lips. Those words offered no comfort and could not invade the blackness that began to form around my heart.

As I stood over your lifeless body, knowing that i had to say goodbye, the mask of denial revealed itself and began to hide me away from life. Life that i had once known.

The days following your death were a blur of activity that revolved around me, but did not include me. Dreamlike? perhaps more like a nightmare. A nightmare that i cannot, nor will ever awaken from. I wanted the world to end, stopping the pain that had seized my heart, seized a part of my life as it had seized your life. I hid behind this mask of delusion. denial, mistrust, emptiness. To feel nothing, see nothing, admit nothing was less painful than facing the truth. The truth that I had lost my angel to death.

Each day since you've left me, I am overwhelmed with grief. I find little comfort in the words of others for they do not comprehend all that i have lost. but even more so, what you have lost.

You will never hear the laughter of children on the playground as i take you to your first day of school. You will never hear the sweet song of the birds as we walk together hand in hand, through the park. You will never smell the fragrance of your corsage from your date on your senior prom. You will never feel the impact of love in your heart as you say "I do" to the man you will marry. You will never know the joy and happiness of feeling and holding a newborn baby in your arms as i once held you.

For your short time upon this earth, we were blessed to have you. You were so loved by everyone who knew you. You never did wrong in Justin & Jacob eyes. You knew how to get your way with your dad, even if he knew you shouldn't saying no to everything and everyone. I can still hear you telling me no. No mom, you shouldn't be angry. No mom, I'm not alone, No mom, you shouldn't wear the mask.

hearing those words in my mind, i stand before you today knowing that the mask i have hidden behind can be lifted from my heart.

My dearest Amanda;

It has been 7 years ago , that i held you in my arms. laying you down to sleep and kissing your face, I didn't know it would be the last time. How brave you were to cross over to the other side, not afraid to leave, not afraid to die. I am sorry i failed you. I should have continued to hold you and kept you close to my heart. Now, only the memory of you is close to my heart. I'm supposed to go on, continue to live, continue to live with thoughts of you, but it doesn't ease the pain of losing you. The sunshine on its brightest day is dull in comarison to the warmth of your smile. Nothing I touch is as tender and soft as was your skin. I long to smell your scent, to caress your little body, and to hold you near to me. I have cried tears for you, enough to fill a river; still the pain continues to flow. I wait for the day when i can again hold you in my arms, see your smile and touch your skin. I hope on that day, you will tell me you forgive me for letting you go and that you forgave me the moment you left me. Until then, every tear i shed will hold an apology to you and no pain i endure will ever be geater than losing you. Until i see you again, my little angel, please keep me near your heart, as i will forever keep you near mine.