Oh, Say Can You Hear

Sue scowled when she looked out her bedroom window. “When is this rain going to stop?” This was a rhetorical question since the only being in her room was her calico cat, Jesse.

How am I supposed to know?

“Who said that?” Sue whirled around and around trying to place where the voice came from.

Me, you silly woman! You asked a question, and I simply answered it.

“I need some coffee. Now I’m hearing voices.” Sue headed out toward the kitchen with Jesse following on her heels. “The doctor did warn me there might be side effects from this pain medication. Guess hearing strange voices could qualify.” Sue was about to turn on the Mr. Coffee machine, but instead first reached for the opened package of rye bread on top of the refrigerator.

After placing two slices into the toaster, she pulled her hand back in alarm at hearing, Please don’t burn them. You set off the smoke alarm yesterday, and if I had ears, they’d still be ringing from all that noise.

The answering machine on the living room phone started playing the CSI theme song, “Who are you?” to let her know someone was calling. Shaking her head violently to get rid of the voices she was hearing, Sue went into the other room. At the end of the musical announcement, she heard, Sorry, they hung up before leaving a message. Better luck next time.

Sue knew for a fact she hadn’t placed that last message on her machine. “Okay, where are you hiding?” She started checking behind furniture to find which of her few friends had sneaked into her apartment to play this trick on her. Finding all the rooms empty, Sue decided to ignore the voices and finish her breakfast. Annoying buzzing accompanied by a loud beeping sound caused her to dash madly back into the kitchen.

Coughing made a petulant female voice hard to hear. Didn’t I warn her not to burn them? You all heard me. Didn’t I?

Will someone PLEASE turn me off? This boomed out from the ceiling to echo all over the kitchen. I’m giving myself a headache.

From the direction of Mr. Coffee came a deep baritone voice, She also forgot about starting me. You’d think she was still asleep, wouldn’t you?

In the living room, another voice, this one sounding as if deep underwater, chimed in. Maybe today she’ll remember to feed us. Bubbling sounds interrupted the complaint.

A second voice from the same location cried out sorrowfully, Too late, there goes Willy up to the surface. If Sue had gone into that room, she would have seen the four eyes of two survivors following their companion’s tiny body up, up, and away from them.

Well? Are you going to turn me off or just let my batteries run down? Sue, who stood mesmerized by the voices from the other room, practically jumped when the booming voice once again yelled out to her.

“I think I’d better call Dr. Snuffville,” murmured Sue. She covered her ears with both hands in an attempt to muffle all the voices calling out to her. Once Sue uncovered them in order to dial the living room phone, even more voices bombarded her from all directions.

At least she stopped sneezing all over me. Sue stared down at a book she was reading the night before. It was wide open on the desk beside the phone, just where she had left it before going to bed. Her eyes went wide upon hearing the next extremely smarmy words, I could have told her she was coming down with the flu, but would she listen? No, because nobody pays attention to what they can learn from a book.

Or from instructions either! A plastic bottle caught Sue’s eye as it tipped itself over and rolled toward her. Where did they go? Oh, yes, the sheet is still inside me. That’s where most humans leave it or simply chuck it away.

With a shaking hand, Sue reached out to stop the pill bottle before it rolled itself off the desk. Before pulling out the instruction paper, she once again read the label on the bottle. It stated that Dr. Edgar Snuffville prescribed tramodol, the generic name for Ultram, for Sue Wilson. After taking it for a month to help with the pain from surgery, she had stopped taking it two days ago because the pain had disappeared.

I think she’s going to be one of the rare humans to actually read the instruction sheet.

Unsure of where that snide comment came from, Sue tried very hard to ignore the voices swirling around her. With each passing minute, more and more voices joined the cacophony bombarding her from every direction. She unfolded the medication instruction sheet and read out loud under the SPECIAL PRECAUTION section, “Some side effects can be serious. One is hallucinations (seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist). If you experience this symptom, call your doctor immediately.”

Sue gave a huge sigh of relief before saying, “Whew! For a time there, I thought I might be going crazy.” Smiling, she dialed her doctor and explained the side effects she was having with her medication. A long time passed while she listened to what the man was saying. Her smile slowly disappeared the longer the phone call went on.

Well, Sue heard as she replaced the phone into its cradle. What did your doctor say?

Before answering the pill bottle’s question, Sue picked it up, tears starting to flow down her face. “Dr. Snuffville said the police had called telling him the pharmacist filled all his prescriptions with placebos…sugar pills. They have since arrested the man, so I’m not suffering from any side effects.”

She looked around her, panic growing like a weed inside her, “I really AM reading your minds, hearing you inside my head.” She winced as hundreds of voices cheered throughout her now crowded apartment.

Winner of 07/10/07 daily Writer's Cramp contest