Forever Has Arrived

Forever has arrived.

I worked hard on my phase for the greeting, what to say at the funeral, “I am sorry for your loss,” “I’m so sorry,” “I understand,” none of these phases expresses my feelings.

The funeral has come and gone, life continues and it is still uncomfortable.  I grope with ideas, how can I heal her, I want to save her.  Still, my question continues to surface, what should have I said to heal her? 

Although too late and now inappropriate, I now know the answer “Janice I love you.”  That phase would either heal her or cause her rage.

I angered her today.  My wish to connect with her, my wish that she is connected to me failed.  Let me explain.  The expression on her face was obvious that she was upset, that she was left out, no one noticed her, her importance, her beauty, her light.  I do, I noticed and I constantly practice on how to not let anyone else notice my interest.  I approached her to comfort her with “the” situation and I was rejected.

I cried long and hard today, with her dog by the ocean.  What a beautiful day I thought, then she appeared in my thoughts again.  I knew today that it will never be, and I will never be her desire, interest or care.  I cried, what a beautiful day.

Now, I need to work diligently on how to remove these feelings, replace them with new.  Funny, I read a newspaper article today about removing memories, “just stop thinking about them and they fade.”

Fade, maybe but with every encounter, I perk, beat, breath heavy, tingle with her presence.  How will I teach myself to forget these wonderful angelic feelings?

Rage, is similar to love, as it distracts us from reality.  I think that if I am mad with her that I can cover-up my true feelings, and over time I will forget.

With all that, yes the 11-year-old beat me at a foot race today, and I will never forget that.