Macho, Macho Mouse

                                                                          “Macho, Macho Mouse”
                                                                                 
                                                                            Thomas W. Helminski






THREE HOUSE MICE are drinking together in a bar. All three have reached varying stages of inebriation. Since none of the three had previously known either of the others, and boys will invariably be boys, it hasn’t taken long for friendly conversation to sublimate to the point of braggadocio between newfound rivals. One of the mice orders another round of drinks for all three.
    The first mouse swallows his shot, slams the shot glass down on the bar, belches and says, “You know, guys, I tell you, I’m the baddest rat bastard in this whole damn town!”
    “How’s that?” ask the other two.
    “See, it’s like this,” explains the first mouse. “When I get home, I’ll sneak through one of my little holes into the cupboard where the homeowners hide the poison. I’ll gnaw open the box of XXX, cut myself out a couple of hefty lines of cyanide, and do me up a couple of real whoppers—cop me a good old buzz.”
    “That sounds pretty tough,” says the third mouse.
    “Aah, that’s nothing,” says the second. “If you think that’s so bad, listen to this: The folks who own the place where I live leave cheese out on mousetraps all over the joint for me. So, I gets me a good running start, do a back flip over the trap, and, while I’m in the air, I grab the cheese, eat it in midair, then slide under the arm of the trap before it snaps shut.”
    “Whoa!” exclaim the other two.
    “Then, while I’m under the pincher, I do a hundred or so bench presses with the damn thing—just to keep myself in good shape.” This draws gasps of incredulity and applause from the other two mice.
    Finally, the third mouse throws some money for the tab onto the bar and stands up to leave. “Aren’t you gonna tell us how bad you are?” ask the first and second mice of him.
    “I’d like to stick around and chat with you guys, but I’ve gotta get home and screw the cat before he gets too riled up.”