The Black Thief

Strength is something that I have strived for since I was a child. Not strength of body but of emotions, if a person is strong then no one can see your vulnerability and therefore can’t hurt you and even if they did, you had the strength not to let it show. Tears wasted on anyone else were acceptable but tears spent on myself were a sign of weakness. If I did have to cry, I did it in private. Growing up, children were praised for being brave, “Oh my you were so brave, you didn’t even cry.”

I’m sure you have even heard, “If you are going to cry I will give you something to cry about.” There are also the words, “Why are you crying, it’s your fault.” People are not comfortable with tears and neither am I. In order to keep tears in check, sometimes you have to work at shutting off emotions. I have screamed out, “I don’t need you, I don’t need anyone!” By telling people I don’t care and that I didn’t need anyone was my strength. If practiced enough it can get easier and easier to say and believe.

I learned that there were times I might have to give something of myself in order to maintain that strength and control. Guys used me and in my mind I gave them what they wanted, that way I was still strong and in charge, if you give something, then it can’t be taken away from you. Men can be like vultures and when they were done picking though what was left, the part they left behind were tears. No one wanted to lay claim for them.

As I grew, I was looked at as pretty strong woman, if tears showed up, well that was nothing that they were prepared to see. A few times I would hear, “You always came across as such a strong woman.” I could excuse myself and go to the ladies room, collect myself and go back out. So to put it bluntly, it pisses me off to cry such wasted tears but no matter how I hold them back they still seep out.

I lay in my room for most of the day, curtains drawn, light out, the tears come and with them so many other things. Things from long ago and all the self-loathing I can handle. I wonder do these things haunt me still in rl or do I use them to give my tears focus.

Fucked up emotions can make you feel on top of the world and then throw you down to the murky waters below. I had a dream last night. I was going to climb the highest peak and I didn’t care how cold it was or the dangers there. I was going to do it alone, and I did! I made it. I stood on the highest peak, I was at the highest point of the whole world and I looked around, there was no room for anyone else. I was completely alone and I began to feel bad about being there and my thoughts were that I wanted down. I ended down in the murky swamps and as I looked up high, I realized how far I had gone but now it was all too insurmountable.

With mental illness comes the pity looks, so concerned looks, "do you want to be alone?" I never want to be looked at, and I don’t want pity, I do want someone to hold me and no words spoken and just let me cry. I don’t want to have to ask for it like that, I just want him to know.

Sometimes during those tears when my emotions are raw that I think how much or how little it would have to be to put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger, at what point does it become too difficult to squeeze the trigger. When pain is at its most thievery, I wonder what part of my heart do I cut out so I don’t feel and hurt? What part of my mind do I cut away so that I don’t have to know emptiness? What about my soul, what part and how much do I kill so that I am numb to all this sadness that I feel?



It is during these moments that I am of no use to anyone not even to myself. People like me happy and funny, it is the best part of who I am. It is whom people expect to see and to deal with and I always feel that I need to apologize in letting down everyone. I am just not that strong.

If I go away and hide for a few days, it has nothing to do with anyone. I am sparing them the ugly ride and trying to keep enough of my strength in check so that I can make it another day……………