James and Claire

They left, and Claire was alone. After she heard the car pull out of the driveway, she counted one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and opened the front door and sat on the first step leading into the house.
Claire’s skin tingled as she sat in the perfectly still afternoon air and felt the sun lightly warm her shoulders. She felt simply peaceful as she let the beauty of the day soak in through her pores. Her heart began to shed the layers of pain that had been building up over the summer. She felt like she was full of sunlight. She felt beautiful. She sat and breathed, her mind empty.
When the magenta tint of the evening had begun to seep out of the corners of the horizon and the sky had begun to turn into indigo, she was awakened out of her trance by the heat of a body sitting down next to her. She turned her head and saw James looking back at her.
“When did you get here?” she asked him.
“I just walked over. You didn’t see me coming?” he asked her.
“No, I wasn’t paying attention,” she said.
He smiled at her. “You look so…” he said.
“Yeah, that’s how I feel.”
“I’ve missed you,” he said, looking into the street.
While at any other time she probably would have laughed at him, today she said, “Me too. Well, me and you.”
He wrapped his arm around her waist and dragged her closer to him. She felt the heat from his body transferring into hers and she felt safe. Her body was suddenly exhausted that she felt like she might either fall asleep or cry. She laid her head against his chest. She could hear his heart thumping, rather quickly she noticed.
She suddenly was filled with remorse and a sense that there had been a huge misunderstanding. A tear trickled out of the eye that was pressed against his shirt that separated her from his skin that separated her from his heart.
James didn’t look down. He didn’t want to see her crying. Claire was his hero; she was brave and funny and perfect. He felt wholly responsible for her pain. He felt her lip quivering against his chest and his heart broke.
“I didn’t mean to, I don’t want to,” she said, shaking her head against him. She had never cried in front of him before. She didn’t want him to think she was weak. But the harder she tried to stem the flow of tears, the faster they came.
“I’m sorry,” he said. He didn’t know what to do. He felt selfish for not wanting to look at her.
“You’re my best friend,” she said. She felt stupid saying it. But she already felt stupid.
“Yeah,” he said, but his voice was forced and hoarse, “I know. I’m sorry.” His arms were pressing her into him as though he was trying to fuse her to him, but he had not realized. His mind was in a panic. He was wracked with guilt.
She felt the pressure of his arms and knew that he was feeling the pain of this summer too. She breathed in deeply, smelling him and calming herself.
“You are still my best friend,” she said when she had stopped crying.
“Thank you,” he said, “You, you…”
She knew what he meant. She didn’t want him to say it. She wanted him to be strong for her while she was falling apart. She didn’t want him to be emotional for her sake. He was a boy; he was her boy, her friend. She had never been and didn’t want to become one of those girls who force a boy to be something that he’s not.
“I know,” she said, “just be quiet.”
He was grateful. She understood him and he knew it. She had stopped crying and he was grateful for that as well. He felt so stupid.
She suddenly noticed how close she was to him and she ached and tingled. He had never held her like this before, but it didn’t seem like the first time to her. She felt like she had been in this position a thousand times before until she thought about it. Whenever they had been close before, she had seen his eyes the whole time, but like this, she felt like he was enveloping her.
“Amelie is at her show,” she said.
“I know,” he said, “but I came to see you. I told you, I’ve missed you.”
She pushed herself up so that she could look at him in the face, although she greatly regretted letting go of their current position.
“But I’ve been here the whole time,” she said.
“Not really,” he said, “you’ve been different ever since we got out of school.”
“I know,” she said. She couldn’t deny it, but she was surprised that he had pinpointed the date so exactly.
“Why did you do this?” he asked her. And he felt ashamed as soon as he said it. “That’s not what I meant. It was my fault.”
“I don’t know why I did it. I was wrong about things I guess. I thought I was smarter than I am,” she said.
“No, it was me,” he said, “I never do the right thing.”
“You always do the right thing,” she said.
“Now you are wrong,” he laughed.
“You do,” she said, “You’re always right.”
“No pressure,” he said and pushed her over with his shoulder.
She laughed and looked up at him. He was the same boy that she had met all those years ago, but he was different too. He was her friend, but there was something else now.
“You know,” he said quietly, “you’re just so… ugly.” He thought that at that moment she was the most beautiful he had ever seen her.
“Yeah, I know, you’ve told me before,” she said.
He was silent and he just looked at her. Even though she and Amelie were twins there was something about Claire that he found strangely more beautiful. He wanted to press himself against her and soak up some of her aura, but he couldn’t. She was his best friend, and even though he would never admit it out loud he had admitted it in his head a million times.
“Maybe,” she said, regretting what she was about to say before she said it, “you should go.”
“Why?” he said.
“Amelie,” she said, “unless you want to see her.”
“I want to see you, I told you already.”
“Right, so she’s coming home in a few minutes.”
“Can’t I just hide in your room?”
She laughed, but she felt infinitely guilty at the same time. “We have the same room.”
“Right.”
“Please just go,” Claire said.
“Alright,” he said, “but I want to see you. Soon.”
“I want to see you too. But not with her.”
“I know,” he said, “Bye.” And he got up and left her there on the porch. He looked back at her and wanted to turn around and sit back down with her, but he knew he couldn’t, so he kept walking.
She sat on the porch as if nothing had happened and stared up into the now blackening sky and smiled.