Fallback Girl

Chapter 2

"Damn, so this is what it's like to be lonely."
Tonya looked at me from the corner of her eyes.  I knew she was only kidding. She was always on me for not having a man.
"I'm not actually lonely." I dipped my spoon in the quart of cookies n' cream ice cream we were sharing."I'm just enjoying my single life."
Now we both know that was a lie, for sure! I was kinda lonely but damned if I'd ever admit that to anyone. Yea, there were times when I wish I had someone to come home to, and spend my time with.  Sure as hell would beat sitting at home eating ice cream talking about my love life. Exactly, I don't have one.
Really,it's not my fault. Guys just don't know how to treat a woman. But they want to come home to a home cooked meal, body rubs and the best sex they ever had. They cheat and tell lies, sleep with your family members, and make your hair fall out. I'm twenty six years which means I'm too old for that!
Like my ex boyfriend Chris. Great cook and cleaner, good sense of humor, big, bright smile with dimples to die for. Practically every women's dream man. The only thing missing is his will to commit. He was afriad of commitment. Soon as the relationship hit the rocks, he was gone with the wind. And I mean that literally.There were times I wanted to run but I didn't just pack my bags and move out while he was at work like he did me. Only left a note saying he had to find himself and an old photo of us on our very first picnic nine years ago.
I cried my heart out for months. He'd left town at that! Haven't seen or heard from him in almost 2 two years.
Well, that was just one experience. You didn't miss much. The others I tried dating were far worst then that.
"I swear you be off into another world", my friend rolls her eyes. Guess I did leave earth for a while.
"What were you saying?"
"I was asking why don't you start dating again."
She was kidding, right?
"Its been almost a year now. Time to move on now."
Now I rolled my eyes.
"One year two months and....three days." I saw that she was staring at me in disbelief.
" What"
"Hell nah! Now you know you desperate as hell if you can count the days of you being single." She shook her head at that notion. "That's sad girl. Real sad."
"I'm not ready for another relationship. My heart's still mending from Chris's heartbreak." That was my defense. A weak one but I had to think of some thing or she would be riding my back on that one topic. I also knew she hated me talking about Chris partly because I cried. That wasn't completely a lie because deep inside I was still hurting and whether I like it or not, I missed him.
"You keep holding out like that and your coochie gon really be dusty!" No she didn't! She needs to stop! You see what I have to deal with on a regular basis? She aint even have to go there.
"Whatever beat-up coochie!"
"You got that right! My man does his job every day. And he does it well!"
"Your nasty behind! I aint want to know all that!" Great, now I'm gonna have a that nasty image stuck in my head.
"So, Tonya went back to our oh-so-serious conversation, are you really happy?
I thought about that question deeply. Have I been as happy as I should and deserve to be? Am I happy being alone at home and at heart? Am I as happy as I want to be? I pondered these questions as my mind drifted back to those times with me and Chris. I did miss his touch, his laughter, his love, his presence. I am not happy as I want and should be.
I looked at my friend now stretched out on my sofa. No, our sofa. Me and Chris had purchased that couch set after we moved in this condo. It was just to valuable to throw out.
"I'm not entirely lonely. I just miss Chris like crazy! I thought we had something special. I can't find that connection with anyone else. I've looked for love again and again only to end up disappointed. I really do want to be happy." I began sobbing into my Raulph Lauren toss pillows. Damn I'm so sensitive! I just couldn't help it! I don't get it! I should have a husband and a home filled with love. I should be loved. I deserved to be love!
"I just want you to be happy, Niy." She patted my back and tried to console me as I continued to cry my heart out.