Is it Just Me? Part 1

  I really tried to not eavesdrop as I pretended to study in the student center, but the conversation was just too good.  Students were debating whether Clinton would be re-elected in 1996, and if Powell should run as a Republican or an Independent, if he runs at all, and what mischief Perot had been up to since he disappeared from the political circuit.

  Of course, it didn't take long for me to realize that the really important election is still a few years off.  Yes, I look forward to the elections of 2004.  In the year 2004, I will celebrate my thirty-fifth birthday by campaigning my way into the big, white mobile home up on the hill in D.C., and only then will I truly be able to effect a change on this country.  Now don't get me wrong.  This country is a great place, but it could use a few minor adjustments.

  For example, I'd eliminate the space program.  Whoa.  I bet I made a few thousand enemies with that statement.  But let's face it -- the space program is a hoax.  How do I know?  Well ask yourself this: have you or has anyone in your immediate family ever been to space?  I thought not.  Neither has anyone else.  Think about Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.  If Superman can fly among the skyscrapers of Metropolis, and Han Solo and Chewie can tag-team the Millenium Falcon through an asteroid belt at warp speed, then three guys off the street can "walk on the moon."  And the pictures sent back by Voyager?  Yeah, right.  I recognized Jupiter right off as a basketball painted by some lab rat and then photographed out of focus.  And those pictures of Saturn's rings looked an awful lot like highly magnified pictures of dust particles.

  Next, I think I'd head over to the Department of Defense.  I'd form a secret unit which I could use to conduct spot checks of various governmental agencies.  The members of this unit would pose as ordinary citizens, and then attempt to accomplish things through these agencies while following normal procedure.  If the agency workers start to give them the runaround, or if the "customer" feels the evil bureaucrat is displaying an unsatisfactory level of customer service orientation, then the worker will be taken outside and dealt with harshly, Desert Eagle style.  While the "attitude police" might make it difficult to continue providing federal workers with life insurance policies, I think there is no argument that such a unit would help get rid of our "kinder, gentler" image that bugs me so much.

  Next, the Secret Service agents would have to go.  I'm sorry, but a "happening" president, such as I am destined to be, just can't have a whole lot of fun while being followed by guys in dark suits.  I mean, I like the royal treatment as much as the next guy, but let's be real.  Being followed through the McDonald's drive-through every day would get on my nerves.  What?  Yes, I would still eat at McDonald's, wouldn't you?  They do have the best fries.

  Finally, I think I'd have to fire the entire Supreme Court.  As near as I can tell, they are just a bunch of really old lawyers and judges (who are all corrupt anyway) who are too lazy to get out of their bathrobes.  Besides, I'm sure I could get Judge Judy to fill in in a pinch, and at a fraction of the cost.

  "So what do you think, Calvin?"

  The question threw me, and it showed.  "I think Perot's going to stay out of it this time," I said trying to recover gracefully.  "Unless he wants to toss away a few more million..."

  "About the new blue rapberry Gatorade, Calvin..."

  "Oh, ummm...  It's okay."