Poetry from Freshman Year

Just an introduction to this... I was doing laundry this evening and while I was waiting, I came across a lot of the poetry I wrote last year. Some of it is so foreign to me I hardly know what they are about, but I felt like they were powerful enough to post up here. A lot of it surrounds my relationship with my first real love. The poems make it seem as if it was a bad relationship, but it really wasn't. The break-up, however, was not so pretty. It's all in one file due to my lack of storage space, I apologize. Thanks for taking the time to read :)


Forever Girl

I have been a January girl,
Ignorant and new,
Falling into the arms of a friend.

I have been a February girl,
With my heart broken by
The end of January.

I have been a March girl,
Kissing girls in alleyways
For a good time.

I have been an April girl,
Yearning for something new
Like the spring flowers blooming.

I have been a May girl,
Willingly giving myself away
To a boy.

I have been a June girl,
Roaming the streets with
The intention of flirtation.

I have been a July girl,
Meeting with others
For another night of lust.

I have been an August girl,
Making the best of the rest
Of summer nights.

I have been a September girl,
Saying goodbye to the hot times
Of summer.

I have been an October girl,
Relentlessly pursued
By another.

I have been a November girl,
Wishing for something more,
For something real.

I have been a December girl,
Going after what I want,
And getting it.

I have never been a forever girl.


untitled 1
You are him.
You beautiful being,
With your loving heart and good intentions.
And him, beautiful enough to fool
His foul pretension.
You are him, yet care more,
You don’t ignore my needs.
You won’t let him hurt me anymore.


untitled 2
I sit here and I see you,
There you are.
Laying, lying, drowning
In your own despair.
Brought upon yourself by you.
You won’t talk. You won’t move.
You refuse to live.

Each look brings me
Into my own gloom.
It’s not your fault that this brings me down.
I never told you that
Our hearts are attached,
Yours holds my strings.
You know the ones…
They determine my mood.


untitled 3
You go down so easy
Sliding down the path to childhood,
The path to darkness,
The path to the unknown.

You bring out another me.

Happy, bubbly, fun.
Let’s do this, let’s do that.

Depressed, self-injuring, suicidal.
Look, you made her cry again.
Horrible girlfriend.

Now you made me cry.
I’m sure you know why I’m crying,
But I don’t.

I get dark, you put a scarf over my eyes.
You’ve replaced my blood with molasses.
I cut.

Hidden.
Can’t let her see, she’ll only cry again.
That’s the norm.


untitled 4
How dare you put that burden on me
Heavy on my shoulders
One after another,
Each longer, stronger,
heavier.
Like the layers that you cut into my hair.
There. One after the other.
How dare!
                   How dare!
No hope you say?
Okay. As long as your bulimia
(induced by my lies)
Mimics my will to live.
Ever weaker, ever meeker.
Yet strong as all of
The broken promises that you have had,
Mine included. Never letting
                                                 Go.
I’m sorry! I’m sorry!

NO.
That won’t do, that
Just won’t do.
How dare!
                   How dare!
You put up your hair!
You planned my demise,
So it’s you I despise.
So I will never let go…

Not fair, how dare!

How dare
My hope, my demise, your hair.
How dare!


untitled5
The cold wind strikes me
As I walk to where you once were,
Or are, to possibly be
Who I once was when you were.
I live as if you are here.
I love as if you are gone.
I mourn late at night
When the birds stop singing
And the owls watch me close.
To think that I was alone.


untitled 6
It seems there is something that is
Always there, somewhere,
Far away, lingering. Something just out
Of reach of my grasp,
Of my understanding.

Every night, every morning,
Every now and then I reach out for it,
Out into the unknown,
Reluctantly reaching my fingers into
Uncharted territory.

Maybe it’s lost and forgotten
Emotion. Tears that were so swiftly
Wiped away and swallowed back
Long, long ago.


the prose...
I never knew falling out of love was as easy as falling into it. You fell into it pretty easily, I suppose. It took me a bit longer. That love that we had was great; words cannot describe and experiences cannot compare. Ten and a half months, and it meant a lot to me. Did it mean anything to you? I have my doubts. You fell out of love just as quickly and easily as you fell into it. It took me a bit longer. In fact, it is taking me a lot longer. My heart broke into pieces, and the pieces are scrambled around. Maybe if I look into a broken mirror, it will reflect all the pieces back together. And maybe a thread and needle will keep them in their place. But neither thread nor mirror can make a person happy.