Brain Garbage

Sorry...I published it under the wrong title initially.

It is an extract from my journal but I have edited it because the original version may have been too confusing to understand.

As I begin to understand many things, so I realize that I don’t know anything. Is this important? Yes. No! Nothing matters and everything does. Should I stay or should I go? Woke up this morning talking to myself and that song came into my mind and now it is back again. If I stay it will be trouble, if I go it will be double.

Mind garbage

Gobbildy-gunk or gunk?

Rubbish – sewage – circulating non – stop.

When I am in acceptance of all – I breathe easily and nothing matters because all that I need is there all of the time at all moments.

Then doubt comes, where does it come from? Sometimes it sneaks in insidiously. Creeping in slowly, at first I don’t notice anything, then thoughts pop up as if from nowhere, like the irritating pop-ups on the web pages – they distract for a second or too as I click to toss them aside. Or sometimes it appears sneakily, slowly in small parts, bit by bit, like Alice in Wonderlands Chesire-cat.

Other times its jumps out of you and demands attention and screams in your face, like the dogs suddenly barking at an intruder.

Which is worse in this case – the sneaky snake or the barking dog? Does it matter?

Well yes, it matters because it means there is something much deeper that allows these distractions to penetrate a state of inner-peace so easily.

It matters because there are more moments spent doubting than spent being.

And why do I doubt? Because I am afraid! Of What? My shadow! That’s really what it is I am afraid of. My shadow. How can my shadow harm me? Why would it want to? Without me it cannot exist!

Am I afraid that it will take me to the dark side of myself? Yes! Why? Don’t know! Well unless you are an angel or other celestial being from the light, it is nigh on impossible to exist as human being without having a dark side! This is because the Source created humanities in duality. The Ying and the Yang – The Good and The Bad - The Light and the Dark!

So whatcha gonna do bout that? Nothing you can do is there? What do you want to do? Why do you keep torturing yourself with senseless questions? Why do you need to validate every feeling, every sensation with something you read in a book or find on the internet or with someone telling you it’s true?

If you saw pigs flying but it was not validated on the internet or you found no books to confirm this, would you say that pigs can’t fly? That’s not fair! We know pigs can’t fly so that’s a stupid analogy to use. Well you know what I mean so stop faffing around and making excuses.

Why don’t you just accept things as they are totally and just be/ you know what it feels like and you know what it is to be in that space! So what’s the problem?

Well, first off, it is all fair and well just BEING and living off prana! But it does not feed my kids. When there is no bread on the table and no food in the fridge – I find it real hard to just be and to sit there meditating.

Besides, I have been told that all is well and everything will be taken care of if I just trust in the universe since the universe will provide and look where that’s got me? For the last six months and over the last year my mind sets have really changed and I honestly believe that I am worthy, that I don’t have put myself down in order to be liked. That I can have spirituality and wealth or that I can be spiritual and wealthy at the same time I mean.

I just realized that since I have been in SA I have not earned a single penny – oh ok may be a tiny amount but I have been here almost 6 years and in those six years my money has come from selling stuff that I owned before I got here and from gifts and presents from other people – heeeeeyyyyy – just realized 1) that I really am good at real-estate and two that you guys have had my back since I arrived here and the how am I expected to survive questions just got answered, cos how have I been surviving since I got here considering that I have not had a regular salary at all for the last six years.

So what is my problem now? Crying cos there’s no milk in the fridge! No food for my baby – but feel guilty bout asking my 20 year old to give me the 200 bucks he owes on this months rent! Yes I do actually!

Ok what bout the fact that no-one seems to believe that I should be paid here – I am supposed to give all my stuff up for free? Whatsup with that? I don’t think I have been lazy or a bum. In fact I have worked real hard most of the time – yes it was not the same as working in Europe but there have been much more down days here than back there. What is the point in me being here? How have I contributed to my life or other peoples life? I have achieved nothing since I got to South Africa and it looks like I am going to leave without achieving anything. Why does my chest hurt and why are my GA’s so close right now? Greif – what grief, so what if I am releasing- oh love now is it? That wonderful burning sensation in my true heart which is spreading and spreading and feels wonderful though a little warm – hot flushes to do with old age, no its definitely lots of love from my angels and guardians and now I am all teary-eyed cos they are surrounding me and hugging me and I feel good, I knew that I would! So good, so good! I gotchu da da da da da  bammmmmm!

Amazing all the stuff you have running round your brain – just like cocaine running round my brain – rubbish, useless stuff that is constantly there. Doesn’t stop! No wonder half the world is crazy and I don’t even watch that much TV anymore. Plus I actually can’t write as fast as the thoughts are coming because even as I write I am thinking of other stuff and hearing and processing other stuff, like the kids playing on their playstations and wondering if I got that email I am waiting for and if my dad has planned anything for easter but all of this is going on simultaneously as I type these words – also I am not stopping to correct the mistakes because I am trying to get as much info as possible down but the green and red underlines highlighting the errors are irritating me too and so that thought keep coming as I say to myself, I willl have to go back and correct this styff before  I can add it to the rest of the stuff I an rwriting.

Wrote this in 40mins – the thoughts going round my head for 40 mins without censure or correction.