The Outsider

Boredom. That’s how my life began, seventeen years ago. In this small seaside town. The sun may be shining but the people were all dead inside. Every single day. They went on with their tired boring lives. Desperate. These people wanted freedom, but they won’t take it. If they gave up their tired boring lives what would they do? What’s left? I was going to be different thought. I wouldn’t die boring.

I woke up late. Again. School started in ten minutes, I knew I wouldn’t make it on time. Dreary I climbed from my bed. Cold. My room was chilly. The windows were all open, I couldn’t sleep with them closed. Who was I trying to kid? I couldn’t sleep. Period. Sleep was never within my reach until morning had arrived. I knew today I would have to go in. To hell on Earth. I picked some clothes out from the wardrobe. Black jeans. A red t-shirt with a slogan. Live Fast. Die Young. It was my favourite saying. Finishing the outfit off with a black studded belt I began to work on my hair. Bed head. Ten minutes later I was finally ready. Launching myself down the stairs, I grabbed my bag and left the house. She was probably in there at the moment, looking for the next bottle she could drown herself in. Alcoholic. I knew that when I got home she would be passed out on the sofa, bottle in hand. Waiting. Abusive Mother. School was within sight, the grounds empty. Now was my final chance. Turn round and leave. Willing. It didn’t happen thought, I went to the reception when they signed me in. Fourth time in two weeks. Mr Harrison. Such a terrible person. Math first lesson. English after break. Then who cares. No-one.

There’s this guy. Math class. Two seats behind. He always looked so sad. His eyes. I didn’t know a lot about him. He gets bullied. He stands out. There are bruises. He was different. Around here different was not appreciated, this quite little town liked to keep everything the way that it was. Even if the way it was is wrong. I wanted so much to turn round and talk to him, ask him if he was ok but I couldn’t there was something stopping me. Coward. I knew the reason, if I talked to him then it would seem as though I supported him, in the eyes of the small minded I would be as bad as he is. I would become a target like he was. I didn’t want to be a target. Instead of turning round to him and trying to reassure him I lowered my eyes and returned to my work. Hearing the taunts behind me. Freak. Fag. Emo. The bell rang to signal the break. He was being pushed. The books and papers in his hand flung to the floor. Do it now.

There’s this girl. Math class. Two seats in front. I’ve seen the way she looks at me. Pity. School was hell and I was here to stay. The taunting started just before the bell rang. I had put up with it for so long I didn’t let it get to me. For now. Pushing. Shoving. Bending down to retrieve the books shoved from my arms. The girl. She bent down with me, handing me my books. When we finished she looked. Into my eyes. I don’t know how long we stared at each other for. It felt like forever. Would you like to join me? We could sit by the tree and talk. I didn’t know what to say. Sure. She was the first person who had taken an interest in me in this school. It scared me. We sat. We talked. I watched as her dark hair fell around her shoulders. Curled. Her big green eyes watching me. She looked beautiful. She would never go for anyone like me. It’s a warm day today. She took off the jacket she was wearing. I couldn’t stop thinking thought. Why was she talking to me? Was it some kind of cruel joke they had come up with to torment me further?

He didn’t speak much. I found myself filling the silence with stupid things. The weather. Who cares about the weather? I wanted to ask him so many things. But I couldn’t. The words just wouldn’t come out. A guy came towards us. Dressed like him. A stranger. He indicated for him to come over to him. He got up and left me. They walked a distance away. So I couldn’t hear them. He was speaking harshly to the stranger. Pointing in my direction. Hoping I wouldn’t notice. They were talking about me. I desperately wanted to hear what they were saying. They would have noticed if I got up and went over to them. I tried to watch and understand what they were saying. Trying to lip read.

I don’t know why he was here. He never brings good news. I had met him years ago in a seaside town. He had introduced me to life. He was everything I wanted to be. Not now though. I hated everything about him. The way he dressed. The way he talked. He was evil. And he was dragging me down with him. Everything things were starting to look up for me he turned up. To ruin my life. I had finally found someone in this school who treated me like a human. He came to mess things up for me. And my chances with her. I knew this would happen I broke the rules and I would have to pay for it. In those few seconds, I watched his mouth move, not really understanding the things that he was saying, I realised. They couldn’t do anything to me. Nothing they could do to me would compare to what they had already done, because of them I lived isolated, a half life. Death was welcoming. Live fast. Die young. I looked towards him as he lit up a cigarette and offered it to me, I accepted, only because I didn’t know how to refuse. I had never been able to refuse. Whatever you’re going to do to me, do it now. I said to him, as he took a long drag on a freshly lit cigarette, I could smell the smoke as it made wisps in the air. Boss wants to see you tonight, usual place. I said I could deal with you myself, but he insisted you saw him. So it was bad news, the worst he could bring, the boss. Fine I’ll be there. I turned my back on him, stubbed the cigarette out on the ground and when back to my spot next to the girl. I could see she was curious, from the look on her face. I didn’t want to tell her just yet. Afraid this would finish before it even started. Instead I smiled and asked her to continue what she was saying. But I couldn’t hear what she was saying.

Who was that man? Ever since he had spoken to the stranger, he had been distant from me. I was talking to myself. The bell would ring for class soon. Although this was a one sided conversation, I felt comforted by his presence. Next class, English. And I sat next to him. No longer afraid. I could hear the taunts at the back. No longer solely directed at him. Why are you sitting with me? He asked me, looking me straight in the eye. I’m nothing but trouble. I didn’t understand what he meant by that, did he mean by sitting with him in class. Or that stranger. I stayed with him throughout the whole lesson. He didn’t talk a lot. But then he’s never really had anyone to talk to before. I winced as a paper ball hit the back of his head, and then another landed on his desk. He opened the ball up and laid it out on the table, something was written on it. You Think Your New Little Girlfriend Will Stop Us? She’s Next. Remember. Usual Place. And Don’t Keep Him Waiting. J. He sat up in his chair looking around the room. There was no one in the class whose name started with J. I could see the agonizing worry in his eyes. He looked at me, leaned in closely. You need to stay away from me. He whispered. I didn’t know what to say, there were so many questions that I wanted to ask him. What was he involved in? That was what I really needed to know. You need to stay away from me. He said again, getting up from his chair and leaving the classroom. Leaving me sitting here. I could hear them. Sitting in the back Had an argument with you new boyfriend? Until I couldn't take it anymore, stood up and followed.