Trying to move forward

Dear Ron,

I have always been able to process and move forward easily with all internal conflicts that have come to me in my life. So why has it been so hard for me to move forward from losing you forever?

I have moved forward from all outside appearances but it is a lie to others and to myself. My mind is idle when it comes to you and love. I spend so much time thinking of you and how right you felt for me. As I continue to date others no one has come close to you. I continue to be in internal conflict because I thought the feeling was the same for you. The pieces to the puzzle still do not add up to me. Let me tell you why.

How can you hold, caress and kiss someone you don't have feelings for? You preach honesty, but you couldn't be honest with yourself or me for that matter. You played a game with me. You were so inconsistent with me in the end. You freaked out. You let me figure out that you weren't ready for love and then you cowered and made me air out and take care of your dirty laundry. I let myself be vulnerable with you and I was ready to love you and I thought I saw a glimpse of that from you too. I wanted you to be a man, but apparently you were not ready. Instead I was left hurt and reacted in an obsessive way that has left your vision of me flawed. Please don't see our time together as flawed - it was way to special for me to be able to deal with that reality.

My thoughts on your obsession with a brain reaction vs. a feeling:
I am also waiting for the right feeling and not a brain reaction. I too believe in true love and holding out for true love even if it means waiting years. This is where the conflict for us begins. You see I have felt the feeling a couple of times before. So I recognize a feeling when I feel it, you wouldn't know a feeling if a feeling was an object that hit you in the face. That is where you are and I am not at this time in life.

I can assure you that you will find another feeling and I know I will too. It just makes me sentimental to know that it won't be something that we share together ever again. That's it; our time has come and gone. Feelings don't come along often it usually takes years. That is why you have to be careful with a feeling when it comes along - it will come and it will go just as quickly if you don't recognize it and nurture it.

I have meet and communicated with many others over the summer and I have liked them all, but there was very little or no feeling. The more people that I meet the more REAL I know our time together was. I am thankful for the experience that I had with you because I do know that it exists and I will hold out to find it again.

The love you managed to elude,
Leilani