Space Asylum Episode 1

Space Asylum.


"There is a place far beyond us, a place of wonder, a place where anything can happen, a place for people too crazy for this world" - Dr. T Loffler


The notes below are taken from Dr. Lofflers’ first log in his personal electronic diary aboard the starship Asylum - 1.

'Bastards, all of 'em, in that building there is not one room that contains less than 2 bastards, apart from the single cubicle toilets. All of my hard work, my research into various areas of science, my, my years of intuition and discoveries all thrown into disarray because of that one bloody explosion. So it killed 56 people, so over 150 more were either blinded or maimed, but at the trial they failed to mention what could have been! We could have had the universe’s first 1 second toaster! Think of the power! The youth! The...toast!
Never mind, its in the past, they threw me in jail; they took everything, my shoelaces, my watch even my collection of 20th century thimbles! Well, thimble...it was a collection in progress. Then they made me the offer, right there in my dank, pungent inhabitable cell. I turned the volume on my 42" plasma TV down and pulled my off-white leather sofa closer to the shrouded man sitting before me.
'We have an offer for you Loffler, an offer you can't refuse'
I wiped the sheen of sweat from my brow, and leaned in close; too close in fact, I slipped from the sofa and smashed through the coffee table.
I awoke 20 minutes later as he finished his proposal.
'Well, do you accept these terms?'
Looking back, it was strange that at that moment, the glass pricking my skin... my head, pounding from the collision into the table, I could see his lips move, but hear no sounds, and all I could think of was my favourite 20th century Prog-rock band, and there, lying in the remnants of an antique coffee table I mumbled the fateful name of that band.....
'Yes'

It was done, I was destined to be the first Admiral/ head physician of the worlds first (and last) SPACE ASYLUM.

Episode 1 - A Fire, a Father and a freezer


A Fire
Dr. Lofflers Intercom crackled into life, 'Dr. Loffler! Dr. Loffler!' Loffler awoke with a pounding headache, he rolled off his desk, sending whiskey bottles scattering over the thickly carpeted floor.
'What, what is it?' he mumbled as he fished in his lab coat for his always present bottle of head-eze.
'Its patient McQ (in the distance a voice echoed eerily through the ships corridors, 'Born on the sun, raised on the moon’) he has set fire to his curtains.'
'Janice, this is a 23rd century space craft, we don't have curtains.'
'I understand that Doctor, but he made them in his woodwork class'
Loffler turned and frowned as he took his seat behind his desk, 'He made wooden curtains?'
'Yes Doc, they're burning pretty fast, you'd better hurry!'
'Janice, if it’s so bad down there, why don't you douse the blaze yourself?'
'Well I'd have to fill in a RT-60 safety form'
'Do you have one there?'
'Yes, I've filled it in, but you need to sign it before I can touch any safety equipment'
Loffler let out a curse, grabbed his pen (the one he won in that pen raffle, that he entered, and started) and raced out of his office.

Loffler rushed through the corridors, down several levels in the turbo-lift stopping only for a breakfast of slow-roasted venison, garnished with whole wild onions, eventually bursting into McQ’s living quarters. Where they found a formidable blaze had spread.
'Right Janice, where's that form?' Loffler screamed over the deafening roar of the inferno, waving his pen.
'Its here' yelled Janice, handing over the form. Loffler signed it and handed it back for her records, 'Now where's the extinguisher?
'We don't have any doctor.'
'I see, why don't we have any fire extinguishers Janice?'
'Well, we lost them in that game you and Capt. Schaefer played...remember? That game of 'who can throw the most fire extinguishers out of the cargo bay doors in a minute' Remember, you won, because we only had one extinguisher and you went first.'
'Yes, yes I remember Janice, then I think its best we close the doors and pretend we were never here' he reached for the control panel and closed the doors, and walked slowly and purposefully back to his office.

Dr. Loffler sprawled himself out his leather futon, as he poured himself a generous amount of 'Old Kentucky' straight from the bottle, into his throat he called for the attention of the ships on-board computer, the Space Uplink Entity, or Sue.
'Sue, where is McQ right now on the ship?'
A lilting, soft female voice permeated from inbuilt speakers in the ships ceiling, 'Good morning Doctor, patient McQ is dead'
'What!?!' spluttered Loffler as he forced himself upright
'Wait....no he's just sleeping.'
'How could you make that mistake?'
'Well I do my life-checks on a breaths-per-minute capacity and I just happened to check patient McQ as he was in the middle of a breath-holding competition, he held his breath for so long a little bit of poo came out.
'I see, well as long as he didn't die in that fire, imagine the forms I'd have to fill out' said Loffler as he settled down again, 'I don't think I drink enough, how can I be expected (a swig from the bottle) to use my expertise aboard this ship surrounded by, by such bounders and cads'
Sue hummed into life, 'Sorry to interrupt your drunken self-pitying doctor but my sensors have picked up an un-identified object coming towards the ship'
'Shit! Daleks!' exclaimed Loffler as he scrambled to his feet, 'I know it’s them, I, I owe them money!'
Dr. Loffler thought back to that night, fuelled by gin where he had bet two Daleks 10,000 credits he could jump and touch the moon from his shed roof, needless to say he was now 30,000 credits in debt...double or quits.
'I don't think its Daleks Dr. Loffler' replied Sue.
'But how can you be so sure?' queried Loffler as he wrung his hands, gazing out the window looking for this worrisome new item
'Well we haven't obtained copyrights for them from the creators of doctor who.' buzzed the machines dulcet tones.
Doctor Loffler calmed himself, 'well perhaps I should make my way down to the docking bay and see what’s happening, its probably just something terribly monotonous like a chunk of rock or a bundle of twigs tied together with some bailers' twine, and at the very centre of the twigs there is perhaps a book on turnip preparation... or some such.
'I feel that may be highly unlikely Dr. Loffler; my scanners are picking up signs of life.'
Loffler stopped in his tracks on the way to the docking bay, 'It better not be someone I don't like....Like Ken Dodd.

The Docking Bay

Dr. Loffler pulled his face away from the docking bay window, his excitement barely contained at the prospect of who may lay in this spatial casket. Behind him stood Captain Schaefer, lighting another of his endless chain of cigarettes, as he blew a lungful of smoke towards Loffler he laughed, My god Doc, so you think Ken Dodd could be out there, I really liked his shows, and his teeth.'
Loffler turned around, then he turned around again, he then realised he had turned a full 360 degrees and had to turn again in order to face Schaefer, when he did this he felt dizzy and had to sit down.
'Well using my deductive reasoning and knowledge of science and medium I have narrowed down the possibilities of the inhabitant of the 'Space Podule' to several people.
'Schaefer cocked a perfectly coiffeured eyebrow, 'and they are?'
'Ken Dodd, Mike Ditka and the guy who did the voice-over narration for action films back in the 80's, I think his name was Don Fontaine.'
'Well I got drunk on Absinthe last night and I tripped on a jam sandwich and banged my head, when I woke up I had written three names on a piece of paper' rambled Schaefer.
'And they were?' Inquired Loffler boredly as he strained out the window trying in vain to see this interesting chunk of space debris
'Me, you and Pauly Shore.'
Loffler sighed and faced Schaefer, 'Look that sounds like a bad American sitcom, I want you to play a game where you be quiet and I carry on looking out this window.
'Well, replace the words 'I wrote' with 'I drew' and the words 'three names' with 'a willy'
'I see', Loffler sighed, 'So last night you got drunk on Absinthe, tripped and banged your head and when you came to you had drawn a willy on a piece of paper'
'Well, I didn't drink anything last night par se' and also I lied about something else, replace the words 'piece of paper' with the words 'the back of my hand.'
Loffler reached for his gun in an effort to end this idiocy, sadly he recollected he had never owned a gun, something he vowed to remedy.
'So you went to your cabin last night, sat on the end of your bed sober, and drew a willy on the back of your hand'
Schaefer held up his hand, surely enough there was a rudimentary etching of a male penis on it, complete with dangly testicles.
Loffler looked up and addressed SUE, 'SUE my darling can't you bring this thing in on the tractor beam yet?
'No doctor, we don't have a tractor beam, but I got the next best thing, I sent Old Gus the friendly Janitor out there to entice it in with biscuits.'
'Loffler looked at one of the screens on the wall and saw Gus trying to entice a six foot long metal box into the docking bay with a custard cream.
'I need a drink, 'muttered Loffler, 'I'm going upstairs to my cabin, call me when it’s inside, or whenever it eats the biscuit, whichever comes first.

A Father

Loffler sat behind his desk rubbing his temples, with the amount of sheer temple-rubbing he had done recently he was surprised he didn't have scars. Suddenly and without malice of forethought his watch alarm beeped, it was time for his weekly psyche session. As he contemplated on what he was doing that night, slipping on season 1 of his Cagney & Lacey DVD box set or simply re-ordering his collection of precious rocks by order of translucency. His office door slid open and in walked everyone's favourite psychiatrist/priest Father O Flannel.
'Sorry I'm late my boy but what with all the excitement of this new space-thingy and what with me staying up all night crying into my gin-flask I kinda lost track of time there for a sec
'Yes, you do like a drop of 'grandpa's cough medicine' don't you father O Flannel, 'chuckled Loffler.'
Father O Flannel suddenly sagged visibly, 'well thanks for bringing her up doc. That bitch, I...'
'Um, I didn't mention a woman.’
'She knew I was coming home early that Tuesday, she knew I had booked the day off to re-arrange my model train set, I mean its not as though I didn't love her...
(Loffler shifted uncomfortably)
'Why every second Wednesday I'd let her kiss me on the lips, without a balaclava on!
'Loffler smiled awkwardly, well, yes, it must have been’
'That WHORE! Father O Flannel fumbled a bottle of gin out of one of his voluminous pockets, 'I loved her so much and she took my heart and just, just weed on it.
Loffler snuck quietly out of the room, leaving Father O Flannel to his rants, as he made his way to the Ships bar he could hear the man of the cloth fading further into the distance with every step.
'I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SUSPICIOUS FROM THE WORD GO, I MEAN 16 PINTS OF MILK HE DELIVERED A DAY AND WE WERE BOTH LACTOSE INTOLERENT, I HOPE SHE FALLS, AWKWARDLY! I NEVER LOVED HER. WE WOULD HOLD HANDS, NEAR THE POND, THEN THEY WOULD ASK US TO LEAVE, I LOVED HER SO. BITCH.'

A Freezer

'Doctor, we have obtained the mystery box, if you would make your way to the docking bay for the grand box opening....’
'Grand Box Opening? Isn't that a bit full-on, remarked Loffler
'Well we don't really get many events going on this ship doctor so I thought it would be nice to make an occasion of it, if you remember the last real event of any merit was when we found that racy pack of playing cards, the crew was very excited indeed until, upon closer inspection they turned out to be pictures of popular fishing destinations in Putney.'
'Well, I'll grant you that SUE, 'conceded Loffler, 'anyway I'll make my way there now, any idea what’s inside yet?'
'Well I have no real evidence to back this up doctor, not even on a circumstantial basis but I think it may be Roy Hattersley.'
'Splendid'

Upon arriving at the site of the foreign object, Dr. Loffler approached the metal casing and furrowed his brow, 'It’s a bloody freezer isn't it.'
Capt. Schaefer stepped forward, cigarette in hand, 'Well let’s not be hasty Doc'
'I can see where it says bloody Hotpoint for Christ sake! This is ridiculous, it’s no wonder I cry myself awake...
Suddenly there was a cracking sound, as the few crew members gathered around this mystery of science, this epic slab of the unknown, this metallic sealed tomb of the past, they all felt, both individually and as a collective mind, that they were witnessing something both unique and defined in a different time, on a different unknown level, as if somewhere down the time-lines this was pre-determined, this had to happen in order for the human race to move forward as a collective whole, this...was fate.
Loffler cleared his throat,
'Sorry to interrupt everyone, but you do realise, this is a freezer, and therefore probably no doubt contains minced lamb, scampi and some forgotten parsnips, basically what I am trying to say is, when this thing opens, there will be no Ken Dodd in sight, let alone any hint of Roy Hattersley, now if anyone needs me, I'll be in my room, practising being by myself without anyone knocking my door and being very successful at that. Anyway, if there was a sentient being in that iron casket it would have opened by now.' Loffler turned and was mentally selecting the specific Cagney & Lacey episode when as if on cue, the steel-based juxtaposition to physical science recently subverted to the docking bay of the spacecraft Asylum-1 began to open...
...and out stepped everyone's favourite Doctor, Dr. Professor-Colonel Baube.
(Everyone stepped back in wide eyed shock, well, everyone apart from Loffler, who looked defeated and mumbled, “aw…shit”)
'Well, did it work?' enquired the good doctor, eyes darting beadily around the bay.
Loffler stepped closer to Baube and prodded him carefully with his finger,' umm...did what work exactly?'
Dr. Baube stepped out of his rudimentary cryogenic receptacle, seemingly unfazed by his apparent nakedness. 'Well it was like this...'
He looked around at all the interested faces, each set of peering eyes...'I cant remember, I think I must have banged my head, possibly on some sort of marble statue in a landscape garden or perhaps reaching for a can of beans in a supermarket and slipped off the rickety step ladder, maybe I was painting my roof and got struck by lightning. or....'
'I'm going to have to stop you there, interrupted Loffler as he placed his hands in front of his face in an attempt to block out the view of Baube's 'witches finger'
'Father O Flannel' Continued Loffler,' Would you be so kind as to take this man and put some damn clothes on him, then we can discuss this further. Janice, Schaefer and Old Gus the friendly janitor meet in my office ASAP.' Loffler strutted off up the stairs, mumbling under his breath as he went.
'Well,' said Schaefer, lighting another cigarette, 'ASAP fellas, you heard the man, lets uh, ASAP'
Old Gus the friendly janitor looked up from his mopping,' You don't know what ASAP means do ya cap'n'
'Well of course I do' spluttered Schaefer' How do think I got to the rank of captain? By lying on that paper and giving money to that man?'
'I think it means Animals Should Always Ponder' Mused Gus,' I think that’s something we can all think about when we cross the street'
The ships intercom flared into life and Lofflers voice could be heard echoing through the docking bay, 'Every time I say 'Purple' and knock on my desk three times, it means I am angry...Purple! (knock, knock, knock) DID YOU HEAR WHAT I DID, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I DID!?!
As everyone shuffled off towards Loffler’s office, Father O Flannel ushered the bemused Dr. Baube into his office.

Well tell me what you remember, shouted Father O Flannel through the toilet door where Baube was getting dressed
'Well, I remember not remembering anything...then I woke up here.'
'I see, that’s pretty vague, maybe your memory will come back with time...She didn't come back with time' muttered Father O Flannel' as he took a deep drag on his pipe, he sat down on his futon, pipe smoke billowing past him as he walked, ever mumbling.
Baube came out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him; he was now wearing a fine linen suit purged from the depths of Father O Flannel’s wardrobe, to be precise, the disco section.
Baube took a seat opposite the mumbling preacher as he had the feeling that Father O Flannel may be in his own little world for a while.
'That bitch' slurred Father O Flannel two hours later as he drained the last drop of whiskey from his hip-flask.
“I hate to interrupt your inane ramblings Father, but you’ve been talking for two hours and drinking heavily for roughly the same amount of time and I am still no closer to regaining my memory. I don’t even know what my profession was, maybe I was some sort of world renowned architect specialising in gothic cathedrals, maybe I was a world class athlete adored by women and worshipped by hunky men…perhaps though, I was the guy that put the tops on Tomato Ketchup bottles as they came down a conveyor belt, a small yet crucial role in the fast-moving world of condiment supplication I could even have just been on the dole, no that can’t be correct, I have dignity, hope and self-worth.”
Father O Flannel fumbled himself upright in his seat, “I hate to interrupt you dear boy but I think your profession is quite clear”
Baube’s eye brows were raised in interest, ‘Do go on.’
‘Well’ continued the good Father, ‘You are a doctor, your name is DR. Baube’
Dr. Baube looked up at the priest, ‘Mere trivialities my boy, I could be a serial killer under an assumed name sent to this ship to kill you all for some vague reason in a series of disgusting ways, like making you watch all ten series of Friends in one go without giving you a bucket to be sick in.
Father O Flannel blearily looked up from his hip-flask, ‘I preferred it when you put tops on ketchup bottles’

“I say we kill him” stated Loffler as he slammed his hands on his desk, “What do you think Schaefer?”
Schaefer leaned back on his chair and thoughtfully blew out a series of rings of smoke. “I say we put him in a chair with a little desk-lamp shining in his face, and then offer him a cigarette, and when he takes it, light it up…and smack it out of his mouth. Then ask him some questions.”
Loffler was sitting behind his desk, rubbing his temples, “Dare I ask, what Kind of questions Schaefer?”
“Hard ones!” Yelled Schaefer as he slammed his hands down on Lofflers desk, “Like, what’s the capital of Hungaria and… who am I thinking of right now?”
“Sorry to interrupt you Schafer but I’m going to have to stop you there, because A) you’re not helping, and B) what your saying isn’t making any sense.” Said Loffler…wearily.
Gus looked up from his mopping, “I think we should give the guy a chance, give him some time to get his memory back.”
Loffler leaned back on his chair and put his hands behind his head with a smug expression on his face, “Well, obviously I have taken all of your opinions on board, but as the senior ranking member on this ship I get the final call…I have decided to give him some nice new clothes, a packed lunch and boost him off into space.”
Janice looked at the doctor with shock in her eyes, “But you’re a doctor, you’re supposed to help people!”
“Indeed.” Said Loffler, “and right now, I am helping myself.” He stood up and clapped his hands, “Right, now that’s sorted, I’ll go and pack the sandwiches. Schaefer, you go and ready the escape pod for our soon-to-be ex-guest.”
“But doctor we only have one escape-pod, what if someone gets drunk and tries to overload the engine core?” Loffler chuckled, “I learned my lesson the first time… plus I’ve ran out of absinth.” Gus looked up from mopping and looked intently at Loffler, “Why are you so desperate to get rid of him doc?” “no reason” said Loffler off handedly as he buttered the bread for Dr. Baube’s sandwiches. S.U.E buzzed into life above their heads, “I found out something interesting in my historic files.” she hummed.
“No you haven’t!” screamed Loffler, “off! OFF! Everybody out, I’m suddenly very tired… I need to sleep!”
“I have correlated some files.” S.U.E continued, “It turns out that Dr. Baube and our very own Dr. Loffler were room-mates during their time in Metro-City University”.
Everyone in the room was stood in a stunned silence… well everyone except Schaefer who was coughing uncontrollably as he had inevitably swallowed his cigarette, all eyes were on Loffler; who’s mind was working faster than it had ever worked before, even faster than that time it had worked really fast, and that was relatively quick. In just under 4 seconds Loffler had come up with a full proof plan, “There is something I’ve been meaning to tell everyone.” said Loffler as he sat down behind his desk and clasped his hands seriously in front of him. He looked at each of the crew members gathered in front of him in turn, “I feel its time to come clean…Baube and I were room-mates during our time at Metro-City University, there, I said it.”
The entire room of people looked at Loffler in confusion, Gus voiced the question on their collective minds in his distinctive nasal, southern drawl, “But, SUE just told us that Doc, a few seconds ago”
“Oh, did she? I wasn’t paying attention, I just picked that exact moment to come clean, it’s a coincidence and nothing more….anyway….”
Loffler stood up whilst stroking his chin and walked over to his office window, he raised his palm and pressed it to the glass and traced the outline of a light-purple gaseous planet they were passing, he turned around to face the gathered crew members in his office,
“Look, I know I may seem to have some sort of…um…issue with our new guest but its just that I have difficulty with meeting new people, I find it so hard to adjust” Loffler turned and gestured towards Schaefer, “Schaefer remember when we first met aboard this ship? How many times did I pull pranks and japes on you before we became acquainted and I accepted you into my decidedly small circle of friends? How many times did I put laxatives in your coffee, or invite you to play hide and seek but not come looking for you or douse your bed in gin and set it alight?”
Schaefer looked sheepishly at the floor, pursing his lips, “Yeah, that did happen a few times I suppose, it’s just your way of meeting people, I guess.” He cocked an eyebrow in thought, “Actually that happened quite a few times, in fact, you set my bed on fire last night, and you slipped sleeping tablets in my glass of milk, I barely woke up in time to beat out the flames!”
Loffler looked around at the enquiring faces, “Well, just a little joke between friends Schaefer!” He laughed nervously and wrung his hands.
“Anyway I don’t want you to think I am being nasty to the honourable Dr. Baube for no reason at all, I wouldn’t want you to think for example that I harbour some insane jealousy of Baube from an experiment we both did in university in which he got better results and was put on a special advanced science program and that’s why he was more successful than me and I used him as an excuse for every subsequent failure in my career. I think the only way for him to earn my hard-fought trust would be to…say…oooh I don’t know, sit in the escape pod with a packed lunch, a flask of sweet tea and a map of this star-system. Unless anyone can see anything wrong with my innocent little trial?”

Baube was in a total confusion as he was fumbled into the emergency escape pod by a rather excitable Dr. Loffler.
“But, I, What’s happening, why are you giving me a postman-Pat lunchbox? Loffler, some of my memories are coming back to me, is this because of that…”
His speech was cut short by Loffler slamming the escape pod door.
“Right, now lets just give him ten minutes alone in there and I am sure I will trust him when he comes out, for some tenuous reason.”
As the crew stood round awkwardly awaiting the end of this strange trial, they failed to notice Loffler creeping ever closer to the escape pod release switch and rapidly pushing the button, Dr. Baube was startled as the safety straps clicked into place across his chest and he was jettisoned onto outer space at such a speed he spilt his tea.
As the crew watched the pod boost into the outer regions of space, Loffler rubbed his hands together with sheer glee,
“Oh my goodness I must have slipped on this highly polished floor that I recently polished and grasped at the pod release switch in order to keep my footing. Ah well, life moves on! I am going to sleep, today has been very event filled, if anyone needs me, pretend you don’t until at least midday tomorrow, ‘night all.”
The crew watched Loffler as he cheerfully whistled his way up the corridor, pausing only to jump and click his heels together. Old Gus the friendly janitor picked up his mop and began to clean the corridor, shaking his head slowly, Janice was still wide-eyed with shock at what she had just witnessed. Schaefer took a long, thoughtful drag on his filterless cigarette, as he blew out the smoke he cleared his throat and muttered, “What a complete bastard.”

They all dispersed and went back to their stations, and the Starship Asylum-1 continued drifting silently through space, its only crew a bunch of mishaps clumsily thrown together by fate on one of its off days, its only cargo, prisoners who are quite simply too crazy for this world.

Somewhere, deep in the blackness of space, there was the sound of someone clicking open a Postman Pat lunchbox only to find, not sandwiches but a note, a note that read,
‘Fuck you Baube, Love Loffler’

message ends.