Murder by Bustline

Why can’t someone make a sexy but supportive bra for a woman with a plus-size bust? I don’t understand why this has to be an either-or proposition. There is beautiful lace-covered lingerie that unfortunately disintegrates under the first sign of strain… and then there are “foundation garments” that use more steel than the Brooklyn Bridge but are certainly not something you’d be proud to display in the heat of passion. There doesn’t seem to be anything that achieves true femininity and solid support.

I recently went to one of our finer department stores and said, “Do you have a push-up bra in a DD-cup?” And the saleswoman, who is supposed to be specially trained in the delicate art of selling brassieres, said, “Honey they figure a girl as big as you doesn’t need any help.”

Well I am here to say, that’s not true. Just because they’re bigger, doesn’t mean they automatically create cleavage. I don’t see a single reason why the same principles of physics that were used to design and build the Wonder Bra for the A-cup crowd can’t be applied to a larger bit of fabric and a four-hook closure.

And, while you’re at it, how about finding a way to keep that damn underwire from poking through the fabric and stabbing me repeatedly like an ice pick??

I realize not everyone’s familiar with the components and construction methods used in making modern-day tit-hangers, so here’s a quick lesson: The most sinister element is a piece of curved wire that’s run along the underside of the cup to create shape and support. The wires are then encased in fabric to make them invisible. Some manufacturers put little hard plastic tips on the ends of the wires… others dip them in some sort of quick-dry latex so they get a rubberized coating on the end… and still others put NOTHING on the ends, so it’s just bare metal.

But no matter how or whether the ends are treated, they ALWAYS poke through the fabric and into tender flesh. Hell one time I had an underwire poke up and out through the bra, and creep its way out through the collar of my blouse. I’m sitting there at work and I look down and there’s this WIRE sticking up out of my neckline, just about to puncture my jugular. Terrifying.

So there’s a project for someone - find a way to combine the ultra-feminine cleavage you get with a push-up bra, the support of good ol’ cross-your-heart technology, and perhaps even that cone-shaped look they had going in the early 60’s. When you figure it out, sign me up for the beta-test.