Lost hope and gained pain.

I have been in a relationship for a few years now with a girl who likes girls. For the longest time it did not bother me i told her it would be ok as long as some day it would lead to me and her with another girl, a niave hope on my part, a promise she never kept. there had been a few girls that i know of that she has been with and done sexual things. yet that at the time didnt bother me either becouse i didnt know these girls too well and wasnt around when it happend. ostrage with his head under the soil type thing.
One day i met a girl who my GF told me she liked at our collage. I started to hang out with her between classes and belived we had become friends eventully i told her that my GF liked her and they started to hang out and it lead to a relationship between them. the girl ill call her Vaja was kinda tomboyish but cute very spunky and a total lesbian. i still held out hope that somthing would happen with all three of us involved. one night she spent the night at my house with my GF and I. i thought that this would be it but they were in the other room playing around while i was in the bedroom hearing it all not invited or welcome. this broke my heart i was destroyed inside. not ashamed to say tears came to my eyes, i still held out hope they would come in to the room where there was a bigger bed. i didnt sleep well that night and when my GF came into the room finally alone. i was in a horrible state of mind. like nothing i had ever experianced i proceeded to rape her not really but i was not gentle i did not care about her in that moment i just wanted to make her feel the way i did. i didnt even cum inside her she left the room to go to the bathroom after she couldnt take it anymore i had been doing her for a long time which she doesnt like. i made myself cum when she was out of the room i hated her and didnt want to give her my seed.
the next day Vaja said somthing about her with my GF that night and i said " wow i missed out on all the fun." i was dead inside i started to hate them both i felt like my GF had cheated on me. couse she had promised that someday i would be involved and so far she had been with many girls beisdes Vaja but i wasnt there for the expeiance so those prior ones had not botherd me, but now they do. that night had changed me i was no longer tolerant of what she was doing with Vaja. i wasnt even allowed to watch. after a while she could tell somthing was up with me and asked if i wanted her to stop seeing Vaja i said i dont care what you do just dont let me see or hear anything about it for all i care she nolonger exists to me. ever since Vaja started seeing my GF i felt Vaja pushing me away like i didnt matter anymore i felt like we were not even friends anymore. and that hurt me alot becouse i dont have many friends and i decided to be more social and she was the first person in a long time i had liked and wanted to be friends with. a while had passed and everything kept reminding me of the night. i got very depressed and when my GF came home with hickies a few times it hurt me even more becouse i told her i didnt want to know about it i wanted to ingnore the fact but i couldnt escape it. i still felt like she was cheating on me and i felt i had been betrayed by both of them. i wrote a note explaining a few things that i felt and that i wasnt out to violate her or anything i just wanted to be involved if only to just watch. that didnt work and i got even more depressed. my GF was having so much fun while i was dieing slowly inside. after the three of us went out to a movie togather (28 Weeks Later) i created a work of art with inspiration from the movie i had artest block for a long time and was happy i had done somthing it was an Eye with bloody tears and a biohazard symbol look in the middle if youve seen the movie its ez to imagine. i hung it up and everyone who saw it loved it. exept for me it started to be a symbol of what i could not see what i was not allowed to be privy to and i started to hate it even tho i loved it becouse it was the first piece of art i had done in a long while.
when my GF saw how much i was really hurting and how depressed i had become she decided to break it off with Vaja before she did i told her to give this picture to Vaja i rolled it up with a note inside saying somthing like. " take this picture and do with it whatever you want burn it tear it up destroy it hand it on your wall i dont care take it before i destroy it. they both didnt know what i ment by that but to me it seemed obvious this picture was inspired by what i had gone through alone what was forbidden for me to watch i thought that once theyre relationship was over i would get over it but i never have. i quit my job and stayed at home did nothing and eventully got sick phisically and mentally i lost over 50 lps becouse i wouldnt eat, one reason i got sick. my GF left to visit her parents in CA for 2 weeks and i stayed with my grandma at her house eating good foods and stuff doctors put me on anti depressants which helped a little i got healthy again and feel like i used to not too depresssed but not happy either. a medium like ive always been.
after about a month i was doing ok and i just got a job my life seems to be comming back togather i am still with my GF but in my heart i still dont feel even. until i can have a girl all to myself and make my GF feel like i did she wont know the real me i dont think that will ever happen i dont think it will ever be even so i try not to think about it but if the chance ever came i would not hesitate to be with someone else. becouse she has been with many girls since we have been togather some i dont even know about. ive only been with one girl my whole life and ive been very good to her. but recently ive been thinking she hasnt been very good to me.

so all you single girls out there wanna help me out? no no im just kidding lol

-Red-