I'll type and you can read

I'm sitting in Josh's basement on his laptop and I've got some thoughts I need to type.  As some of you know I left my house the other day.  I came home after being at Zack's house to a note and missing computer.  I won't say what the note said, in all honesty it didn't say anything about me leaving.  In fact it's intention was nothing of the sort.  It was a final attempt.  It upset me more than I can explain.  It was the truth that I choose to not face.  It said everything I knew in a scribbled almost unlegible script.  That is what upset me.  I packed my clothes and bathroom supplies and left.  I took the note and left one of my own.  "Bye.  I'll be back for anything I have forgotten."  Words that probably sent her into tears.  Every time I read the note I want to cry, but over the years I've lost that ability.  The only thing that happens is my throat hurts as if I had been crying for eternity.  Maybe I have been.  I know I have been.  My emotions are hidden by the facade I seem to play so well.  I did exactly as the note proclaimed I had been doing for many years, ran.  I had my past and feelings hidden so far that they only came out in dreams.  Dreams I have had more frequently than ever before these past weeks.  I am terrified to return.  To admit what seems to be defeat and help is something I have never done freely.  The note ends with this "Sorry this is difficult to read but writing has gotten hard for me and I know my English sucks.        Love Mom".  That makes me want to cry the most.  I still deny her disease and she knows I hate grammatical and spelling errors.  Even with anger she still thinks of what I want.  I hate her for that.  Stop being so selfless, I'm tired of being the selfish son.  Someone tell me to turn around and walk in the opposite direction.  Tell me the things I know but hate to say or read.  Tell me I'm not lost quite yet.  Someone have some faith in me, I can have the hope if you can have the faith.