THE MERGING IMAGES

THE MERGING IMAGES




As the evening was coming to a close, the clouds had turned into variations of crimson color with dark shades of gray. Since Martin’s death, Lisa always found the evenings, a difficult part of the day, to pass. She had accepted his departure from the Earth, but he was alive in her memories and every evening, after the chores, she would relive them like viewig a rerun of a romantic movie, whose ending is known. In a way, she look forward to this hour of solitude when she would finally sit down at the bay window of her living room, and looks at the clouds, and let the thoughts float freely. It was almost like a ritual, she did this, except when her children came to visit.. Every evening at this ritual, in her retrospection, something new and long forgotten facts will come to the surface and will make her feel warm and mushy, like a candle flickering and melting in its own warmth - a woman all alone but glowing with the warm romantic memories. Tears had dried out but the sensitivity was there underneath. A flood of tears could be released, at a moment's notice, by scratching the tender surface.

Rev. Schultz, her pastor, told her earlier, that the first year of bereavement was slow recall of the last years happenings, as the same dates and days come and create a vivid reliving of the past year. Around these days of fall; Martin was diagnosed of lung cancer. Lisa knew the chill, which went through her spine.

They both cried and laughed too - but the laughter was more to hide the pain than express. Martin never said, but Lisa felt guilty that she nagged him so many years to quit smoking. It did not help him in his life but may be now gnawing him that he did not heed her insistence. She had learned now that life takes its own course and our exertion beyond our efforts, are meaningless.

Martin and Lisa were very close in life and had done few things of fun, when the other was not around. They had shared the joy and pain of raising the children and stretching the budgeted dollars but above all they had always enjoyed cuddling together, when the day had ended and kids were in bed and visitors, if any, had left. Their pastime was holding hands and recalling the silly and sweet things of their lives together, their old jokes and blunders in their relationship. It is amazing how past life looks sweet, when your loved one is around you, in life or in memory, Lisa thought, and smiled to herself.

Around this time, six months ago, as Martin‘s cancer developed unabated, there were marked cracks in their closeness. There were signs of stress and while Lisa went out of her way to warm the relationship, Marty was aloof and mostly lost in his thoughts. Lisa did not like this chill and often cried in her bathroom, when bathwater was running. It was too unbearable to feel coldness and also the thought of loosing Martin. Martin still went to work and when he was away, she could think of his suffering and justified his aloofness. Lisa wanted to feel how a dying man feels and had no grasp of it. She wanted to talk to Martin but could not reach him. She tried to start writing a journal, but stopped thinking Martin may see it and that may hurt him to feel her inner pain. So she became numb in her expression of thoughts.

Life is full of contradictions, in her desperate need to express her choked feelings; she found solace in talking to other men on the Internet and gradually narrowed the conversation with one guy. He came in her life, and was so full of understanding that Lisa cried talking to him over the MS Messenger. Lisa wanted to hold on to this man, who came to her life as a straw to a drowning person. He was thoughtful and full of sound advices and Lisa depended on him to face her evening with Martin. He told Lisa to give space to Martin. At first Lisa had a suspicion that he was just another man on the net, eager to play male games with her and was trying to detach her from her husband. But slowly and gently, by his compassionate talk and by his thoughtful suggestions to handle her crisis, Andrew gained the confidence of Lisa. She remembered him saying at the very beginning, “ Liz we are all terminal cases in this world,” and how right he was.

As she set down beside the bay widow, with a cup of coffee, she was overwhelmed by the kindness of Andy, who suggested that in place of talking to Marty, she should just sit quietly with him, and let the time take its course. Yes it was then she and Martin, started watching the sunset every day after the supper. How sometimes non-verbal communication, speaks more than words. To Lisa, and as far she could feel, to Marty, those evenings became a soothing affect in a turbulent life of theirs. Lisa could recall how even when Martin was feeling awful with chemotherapy, he would stagger to sit in that couch and then try to sleep in her lap. Yes she was thankful to Andrew for his insightful suggestion; her agitated self has suddenly heard a tragic but melodious song to let her feel the inner peace.

It was Martin, who remarked once, as they were sitting together, “Lisa! There is beauty in the sunset and may be there is a hidden beauty in human sunset too. Alas, we are too frightened by pain and suffering to notice that.”

Lisa did not answer to that. She knew now that those moments he was talking as much to himself as to her. And now she was agreeing and answering it six months later, “Yes, Martin, you were right. I have seen your sunset and it was beautiful. - painful in the beginning but peaceful and serene at the end.”

Lisa knew Martin was a powerful soul, who orchestrated his life’s ups and down. He was like a skillful surfer, who rides the waves as they come and take him, but maintains his balance. She even told Andrew about this quality of Martin. She did not like when Andrew told her, “ Liz, do not be so sure of your husband’s strength, even Titan have hidden weak spots.” But that was just one disagreement she had with Andy, during their long and friendly conversations together. He was helpful like a big brother, whose shoulder she needed to cry, but then he was sensual in his talks also. No one had called her Liz before, but he picked it and used it as if he had the right to speak to her in an intimate way. She did not mind that but was just surprised by his straightforward approach. As time went, Andrew’s intimacy with Lisa grew. She was at times felt awkward and frightened as to what was happening in her life. Martin was still alive, as her husband and occupied her mind and soul but during the day when Martin was at work, she always looked forward to talking with Andy. Something was growing between them and she did not know how to stop that. At times she felt as if she was unfaithful to her sick husband but then the attraction toward Andy was also magnetic that it was almost like an affair, she waited for her chat with Andrew. She was not sure weather he was aggressively pursuing her or it was her subjective awareness. Andy often called her Babe or Sweetheart and she never discouraged him, because deep down she liked his addressing her in these intimate ways. It was only later on when either Martin or Andrew was around that a feeling of guilt would overtake her. She often wondered how Martin will be hurt, if he ever found out what she was doing with Andrew. But the impulse of the cyber age used to take hold of her, when the time to chat with Andrew arrived. She discussed her dilemma with Andrew and they both agreed that whenever Martin was at home she would never talk to him. Her guilt never disappeared after the agreement but was just compartmentalized or gave her a feeling of not cheating her husband at his hour of need.

The two men in her life, one real and suffering, and the other so vague and yet so romantic and understanding, had taken over her life. She had read how women, during war often get involved with persons, while their husbands were away, fighting war. Like a woman in trance, she pursued her life between these two men and in a sardonic way wanted it to last indefinitely. She was making sure to have flowers beside Marty’s bed - he had started sleeping in the den because he did not want to disturb Lisa at night and she had yielded to his wish. He was having his painkillers going in his blood stream, almost constantly, through an attached pump; he was administering the dosage himself. The doctors have moved from treatment to more or less palliative care and Lisa prayed to the God for his peaceful, pain free last days. There was no time to talk with Andy, Martin was the one who needed her attention and was getting it. Andy had faded in the background but made his presence noted from time to time by her thoughtful e-cards, which she received in her email. Andy was like all the other out of down relatives, who kept in touch with Lisa by writing short thoughtful notes, which permeated his affection and direct concern for her health and well being. But slowly and steadily, She could see that Andy was loosing interest or had found another cyber friend to communicate. It bothered her not in a sense of woman’s possessiveness but more as a loss of a dear friend, who had stood by her in times of need and had provided empathy and a certain kind of humor in a turbulent time.

Now that Martin was gone her thoughts freely went to Andy. She tried to contact him by email and MS Messenger but had never received a direct contact with him. It bothered her and she was occasionally getting a feeling of jealousy that he may be chatting and busy with some other person. She often thought and wished that if only, she had asked for his postal address, then that she could have met him or would have reached him by phone. It puzzled him that while so silent; he did from time to time dropped an e-card via email to her. Her other thought was an ominous feeling that it may be he is himself terminally sick and she wanted to help him as he did in her hour of need

The sun had almost gone down and Lisa was suddenly feeling sad of loosing not one but the two men of her life, who had given her something a woman always wants in life - an understanding that touches heart and a closeness that gives the warmth in life. It had stirred her feelings today because she had received a birthday card, in email, from Andy. Somewhere the man is thinking of her, at this very moment, made her smile and sad too. She moved from the living room’s window, to her bedroom. She wanted to think of Martin and Andrew, both of them in uninhibited sensual way. She wanted to be caressed by both men in a daring adventure, never before imagined. She would let out the deep feelings for those two men and let them take her as far they want to take her.

Like an expectant woman in love, she went to her wardrobe, and pulled out the nigh tie, a favorite of Martin and put on herself, and she walked to the den to meet Marty, she was going to think openly and make love, in her imagination to both of the men. She put on the Mendelssohn’s violin concerto favorite of Martin and her too How many times they had heard it to together, in each others arms, she was thinking. Then with a daring move she went to Marty’s desktop and put it on. She wanted to view Andy’s E-card also and relax and enjoy their presence in her life. The hard disk whirled, with a little humming noise and the window was going to appear soon and then she would connect to Telus and pull out the Birthday card, Andy had sent to her.

She was starring at the desktop window. The wallpaper of the desktop was her picture with LIZ MY LOVE overlaid on it. It did not click to her that Martin never called her Liz, no one except Andrew called her by that name. She was too much occupied to see Andy’s e-card again. She without any thought opened Martin’s Telus e-mail file as his password was automatically recorded and she saw in the Martin’s IN BOX, an acknowledgment that your card has been delivered to lisa1@ telus.net.

Sudden realization of the duel identity of Andy and Marty, made a tears flow from Lisa’s eyes and she was feeling warm embrace from Marty or Andy, she did not care. Tears were blurring her images of the two men and merging them into one solid one and leading her to move forward in time.

Word count: 2293